Trump Dis

Discussion in 'Water Cooler' started by jjefferies, Sep 6, 2018.

  1. jjefferies

    jjefferies Podium

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    When Trump was elected I knew there was the start of a new industry. And standup comedians were going to have new material for the next several years. And here are some rip-offs from Quora:

    Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton made a joint visit to a bakery while campaigning. While in the bakery, Hillary sneaks three pastries into her pocket. and whispers to Trump, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I didn't need to lie. That's why I'm going to win the election." Trump says to Hillary, "That's so typical of you: trickery, deceit and theft. Now I'm going to show you how to get the same result honestly."

    Trump says to the bakery owner. "Give me three pastries and I'll show you a magic trick." The baker gives Trump three pastries and he eats one after the other. The baker is wondering what the magic trick is and asks Trump. "So? Where did they go?" Trump says, "Look in Hillary's pocket."
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    So an airplane is going to crash. There were 4 passengers on board - but only 3 parachutes!

    The 1st passenger said, 'I’m Jeff Bezos! Amazon needs me to deliver useless stuff to the world! I can’t die! .' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

    The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, ' Sad! I bet this plane was made in Mexico! I am the smartest President in American history, I tell you. In fact, when it comes to parachuting, I’m so great. Let me tell you something - when I parachute out, people will be saying for years they have never seen something so good as me at parachuting. He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

    The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, 'My son, I have lived a long and happy life. I’ll be with God soon. You take the parachute.’

    The schoolboy said, 'That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag...

    *********************************************************************
    Rick Smith, Pharmacy Technician (Ret.) & Polyglot Interpreter
    Updated Jan 1

    One day President Trump decided that his picture should be on all US postage stamps, and issued a detailed executive order.

    It specified that the finest paper, inks, adhesives, and printing methods were to be used. The President personally chose several flattering engravings of himself to be reproduced on the stamps, with an American flag fluttering bigly in the background.

    A few weeks later, he asked for a report on how the public liked the new stamps, and sat back in his chair while Vice President Mike Pence briefed him.

    “Mr President,” he said, “I’m afraid the new stamps turned out to be impractical because they won’t stay glued to the envelopes.”

    Trump became very angry, and demanded to know why the stamps hadn’t been a yuge success.

    Pence fidgeted a bit before telling him, “well, Mr. President, it seems that people keep spitting on the wrong side of the stamps.”
    *************************************************************
    Bill Hazelton, PhD from University of Melbourne (1992)
    Updated Apr 11
    At a meeting of world leaders, a bomb goes off, and Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Recep Erdogan are all killed. They arrive at the Pearly Gates together. St. Peter says “We’ve been expecting you. Come this way, gentlemen.”

    St. Peter walks them beside a massive wall, with a series of iron doors in the base. St. Peter stops at one of the doors, unlocks and open it, and motions for Erdogan to go inside. The others get a glimpse inside, and it’s a bare cell, with just a bed. Sitting on the bed is an incredibly ugly old hag, naked and smiling at Erdogan. As he enters, a voice booms down “Recep, I have given you every opportunity and advantage in life, and you have let me down. Here is your reward.” And St. Peter closes and locks the door.

    The two rather nervous presidents continue walking along the wall with St. Peter, who stops, unlocks and opens another door, and motions Putin to enter. Inside is the same kind of cell and bed, but with an even more hideous hag on the bed, naked and smiling at Putin. The voice booms down “Vladimir, I have given you every opportunity and advantage in life, and you have let me down. Here is your reward.” And St. Peter closes and locks the door.

    Trump is getting pretty nervous now, as St. Peter leads him along the wall. They stop, St. Peter unlocks and opens the door, and motions Trump to enter. Inside is the same kind of cell and bed, but sitting on the bed is a very attractive young blonde woman, sitting naked on the bed. Looking closer, he sees that it’s Scarlett Johansson. The voice booms down “Scarlett, I have given you every opportunity and advantage in life, and you have let me down. Here is your reward.” And St. Peter closes and locks the door.

    ***************************************************************
    Jay King

    Japan’s Prime Minister Abe wanted to make certain that Trump’s stay would make an impression, hoping that this tactic would keep relations warm. Noting how the Russians handled him, Prime Minister Abe sent an escort to Trump’s suite.

    Trump regaled his prior foreign conquest and went to town with Prime Minister Abe’s offering. All throughout the late night romp, Trump noted his companion seemed excitable and occasionally would squeal out a phrase with heightened audibility. He seemed satisfied with his accomplishment.

    To entice Trump further, Prime Minister Abe took him golfing the next day. Both men were scoring well, but on the 18th hole Trump teed off and sent his ball straight away to the green. It bounced a few times then rolled into the cup, a rare hole-in-one. Certainly securing him victory.

    Remembering his previous evenings pleasurable encounter, Trump leapt skyward pumping his fist and shouted the only Japanese phrase of excitement he knew.

    Prime Minister Abe and the Japanese caddies look at each other in utter confusion.

    Abe leaned into the newly appointed American President and commented, “I would hate to contradict you, Mr. President, but that IS the right hole.”

    Edit: Thanks for the upvotes and comments! I’ve edited the post to reflect the formal title change from President to Prime Minister. Thanks for the correction.
    ************************************************

    Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

    "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

    Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

    The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."

    The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?"

    Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

    The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

    Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me."

    "Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

    Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence.

    "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

    "I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one."

    Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall.

    Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?

    General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

    Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump.

    "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster."

    Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
     
  2. Inquartata

    Inquartata Podium

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    That second one at least is of hoary age. When I first heard it it had Henry Kissinger in the place of Trump.
     
  3. jjefferies

    jjefferies Podium

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    But Inq that's the beauty of it all. Trump's now the focus.
     
  4. Inquartata

    Inquartata Podium

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    Well, he seems to like being the focus. Of everything.

    So you see you're just enabling. ;)
     

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