funny jokes?

[deadly lefty]

anyone know any gutbusters? please share. my personal favorite is a naked man walks into a phsychiatrists and the phsychiatrists says "i can see your nuts!"

[Tireur]

Is that "your" or "you're"? Completely changes the meaning..........

[Almightynoitall]

bad jokes, here I come...

How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Oh forget about it, I'll just sit here in the dark because my son is too lazy to change a bulb!

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb really has to want to change itself.

How many kids with A.D.D. does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
LET'S GO RIDE BICYCLES!!!

Where can you find Batman, Spiderman, Superman, and the Incredible Hulk all in the same place? Michael Jackson's underwear drawer.

(on the subject of 'superman', this one is in bad taste, but try and keep yourself from laughing)
'Apparently, in the last few weeks, Christopher Reeve (known best for his role as Superman in the late 70's/80's) has expressed serious disfavor towards OJ Simpson, aparently he's upset that he got the electric chair while OJ walked...'

Two blondes walk into a bar, you'd think the second one would've seen it.

[deadly lefty]

Originally posted by Tireur
Is that "your" or "you're"? Completely changes the meaning..........

..........hey give me a break

[KShan5[PrFC]]

Originally posted by Tireur
Is that "your" or "you're"? Completely changes the meaning..........

duh....hence the joke

[KShan5[PrFC]]

Originally posted by Almightynoitall
Where can you find Batman, Spiderman, Superman, and the Incredible Hulk all in the same place? Michael Jackson's underwear drawer.

That was on Leno a few monthes ago...He rides Jackson for all he's worth and sometimes has some funny stuff.

[Tireur]

duh....hence the joke

OK OK OK, so you can't see deadpan on this........

[KShan5[PrFC]]

hahahaha nope not at all...lol, sorry.

[The0ne]

I know a couple jokes, here goes. . .

One day this guy was making blueberry muffins. He mixed all the batter, put it in the muffin pan thing, then in the oven. He put the oven on to 250 degrees then went to do something more masculine like posing in a mirror. The oven gradually heated up until one of the muffins said
"Hey, is it just me or is it getting hot in here?"
the other muffin replied
"Holy crap! A talking muffin!"

What did the lesbian vampire say to a lesbian?
See you next month.

The rest of the jokes I know are lame and suck (not that those weren't lame and didn't suck. . .)

[frenzl]

what do you call a cow with no legs- ground beef!

i have more but i'm have a mental block right now.

[Saber-Psycho]

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

[Saber-Psycho]

Bad Car Day

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.

The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"




Accidental Bonding

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."










A Nun? Drinking!?

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."

So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to ****!"



Sorry Craig....

[telkanuru]

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One's a scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other's a fish.

(Lovecraftian fans only)
Now, tell me, said the linguist, does this line go 'HAStur, HAStur' or 'hasTUR'?

What did Bill say when Hilary said that she would not leave him, despite his affairs?
"I'm starting to give up hope."

[Louweasel]

Originally posted by Tireur
Is that "your" or "you're"? Completely changes the meaning..........

That being the whole point of the joke, you muppet!

The version I know runs "a man walks into a doctor's surgery wearing cling film trousers - the doctor says "I can clearly see your nuts""

[Louweasel]

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fish.

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only two, but the problem is gtting them in there in the first place.

This one is lame but it makes me laugh like a drain:

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?"



Quasimodo is getting a bit tired ringing the bells at Notre Dame day and night, and decides to hire an assistant. So he advertises, and after days with no replies, a chap turns up to audition. Quasimodo, says, "Ok, no time to exchange pleasantries, let me show you the ropes [no that's not the joke!] straightaway because I woul love to have the afternoon off if you can take over - come with me." He takes him up to the bell tower and says "right, here's what you've got to do. You take a short run up, leap towards this big bell, and hit it as hard as you can with your forehead". Quasimodo shoes him how it's done and invites the man to have a go. The brave would-be assistant takes a deep breath, makes a flying leap, hits the bell with his forehead but then loses his balance, falling through a stained glass window with a crash and plummeting to the square below. Quasimodo rushes down and finds that a crowd has gathered, all asking what has happened and who this man is. Quasimodo scratches his head and says "Well, I don't know his name but his face rings a bell..."

*groan*