Keys to Greatness

[PisteOff]

If you really want to achieve true mediocrity within the artful sport of fencing, you must dedicate yourself to the ideals and practices of PisteOff. I will dispense my wisdom now:

Do not get more than 6 hours of sleep per night. Too much sleep makes you energetic and dangerously overconfident.

Fruit and vegetables in the diet cause excessive regularity, and you'll have to stop fencing every 40 minutes or so to use the latrine. Too much water also causes excessive urination. This is embarrassing. I recommend a strict diet of heavy Italian and Mexican food, non-diet soda, candy, and maintaining a marginal level of dehydration at all times. When your urine is a dark, golden brown color, you're on the right track...

Start smoking: nothing's cooler than coughing up a cancerous lung while waiting on deck. If the lung seems agreeable, give it a name and tell others its your pet lung. Here Lungy! Good BOY!

Stretching and warming up causes fatigue before you even begin fencing. By warming up, you are also giving up the ability to say "Hey, I may have lost 5-0, but I wasn't warmed up!"

By never washing your uniform, you can emit a naturally repulsive cloud of stink that can both stifle your opponent and reduce the amount of people waiting in line near you for a strip. It works for skunks, it can work for you. Never discount the power of mother nature, fool.

Never put on the one ring, lest Sauron's ring wraiths be drawn to its power.

Don't bother keeping your electrical equipment in good working order. By experiencing a myriad of malfunctions (nice alliteration, eh?) and attempting to fix it on the strip, you can impress your fencing buddies with your knowledge of gadgetry and troubleshooting. For extra-credit, attempt to re-wire an entire foil on the strip between halts.

Fence against everyone you can, so that when you finally find the six-fingered man you can avenge your father's death!

When given a yellow card, take it from the director and put it down the front of your knickers, smile broadly, and say "I never did mind the little things..."

These points should suffice for now. I trust you will take these words to heart and pursue the elements above in which you are the most lacking. And remember: Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off right now.

PisteOff, Patron Saint of Unrated Fencers

[KShan5[PrFC]]

I must say that this is one of the best posts I have seen in a while, well done.