Lawyer Jokes

[Saber-Psycho]

I know this subject has been beaten with in an inch of it's miserable life, but what the heck.



Why are lawyers buried 10 feet underground?

Because deep down, they're really not that bad.



What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a pig?

Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.

[R. Exnicios]

Who do you call whe you get in trouble?

[Inquartata]

The police?

[Philistine]

Originally posted by Inquartata
The police?

Wait, wait, I know.

Ghostbusters!

--Philistine

[Peach]

My mom.

[Zelda]

What sort of trouble??
Men trouble - my auntie Margie
Money Trouble - My mum
any other sort of trouble - My dad.

[akishier]

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to heaven.
St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question.

To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"

The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That must be the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.

Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn’t really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question harder. "How many people died on the ship?"

The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That correct. Go ahead."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"

[Saber-Psycho]

::Gasp::

You mean someone actually posted a joke instead of sarcasm?
I can't believe it......




A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional.
The doctor said, "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman?"

"No," said the rabbi. ''It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world."

"Wait," said the engineer, "The world was created in six days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized, civilized place from utter chaos?"

"Yes, but who created the chaos?" asked the lawyer...

[npkeith]

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?

A: There will be skid marks in front of the skunk


Q: What do you cal 20,000 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean?

A: Well, its a good start...

[JEC]

Originally posted by R. Exnicios
Who do you call whe you get in trouble?

Sorry, Richard, but the reputation is well deserved. Ask about proposition 12 in Texas, which passed few weeks ago. Incidently, my brother is also an attorney who went to Tulane years ago.
Regards,
JEC

[darius]

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

One's a scum-sucking bottom dweller, and the other one is a fish.

-darius

[Philistine]

I already posted this in the regular joke threat a while ago--but as it's my favorite lawyer joke, here it is again
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A big-city Philadelphia lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck, and it fell into this field, and I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you're not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S., and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you for everything you've got."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times. And so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He said, "Sure, we can do things your way."

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The lawyer was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. He said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"

The old farmer smiled and said, "No, that's OK; I give up. You can have the duck!"

--Philistine

[Capt. Slo-mo]

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, also known as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (light bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1. The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (light bulb), notwithstanding the aformentioned failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (lawyer) throughout.
2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (light bulb) becomes seperated from the party of the third part ('receptacle'), the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (light bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.
3. Once seperation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part ('new light bulb'). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part (new light bulb) becomes snug in the party of the third part (receptacle) and in fact becomes the party of the second part (light bulb).
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (lawyer), by said party of the first part (lawyer), or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do som the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.

[Capt. Slo-mo]

A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.
"That will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it," said the proprietor. The man said, "Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story." He purchased the brass rat and left the store.
As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked, the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, all the rats drowned.
He returned to the store shortly. "Ah-ha!" said the proprietor. "You've come back for the story, right?"
"Nope," said the man. "You have any brass lawyers?"

[Saber-Psycho]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

[Saber-Psycho]

A dying man gathered his best friends - a lawyer, doctor and clergyman - at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.
A week later the man died. At the wake, the lawyer and doctor and clergyman each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell.

By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness.

The doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.

By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept my promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount.

The other men looked down in embarrassment and the lawyer continued, "Indeed, only I honored the deathbed wishes of our great friend. My envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000."

[Saber-Psycho]

A man is at his laywer's funeral and and is suprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. “Why are you all at this man's funeral?”
A man turns towards him and says, “We're all clients.”
“And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching.”
“No, we came to make sure he was dead.”



Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.'' Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.'' Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable

[Saber-Psycho]

What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer?

You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

[akishier]

A lawyer, who was quite wealthy, had a summer cabin to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him, and the friend, eager to get something free from a lawyer, agreed.

Early one morning the lawyer and his Czech friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, along came two huge bears - a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast as he could, and got the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the MALE, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, levelled his gun, took careful aim and SHOT THE FEMALE.

"Why did you do that?" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"

[Philistine]

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him a half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am."

The man below says, "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be a lawyer," the balloonist says.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "I assume that everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I still am lost."

The lawyer responds, "You must be a client."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know that?"

"Well," replies the lawyer, "you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have made a promise that you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is that you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

--Philistine