10-01-2003, 05:20 PM
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#21 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 1999 Location: Grand Rapids, MI, USA
Posts: 2,993
| A lawyer dies of a heart attack.
When he appears at the Pearly Gates, Peter asks his name and consults a big book. "My," Peter says as he looks the lawyer up and down, "you seem to be in pretty good shape for a man of 97."
"97?" the lawyer answers, confused. "There must be some mistake. I was only 52."
Peter looks again in the big book, and then turns to the lawyer.
"No, I'm sure there's no mistake. We added up all your billed hours."
__________________
Nothing is more frightening than ignorance in action.
Last edited by lochinvar; 10-01-2003 at 05:23 PM.
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10-01-2003, 09:11 PM
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#22 | | Curmudgeon-in-Chief
Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Somewhere in your nightmares!
Posts: 23,534
| Seen on a tombstone:
"See how God works his glorious plan:
Here lies a lawyer, and an honest man."
Every week the state gets outraged calls from members of the public demanding that the cemetery be investigated for burying two people in one grave. | |
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10-06-2003, 09:40 PM
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#23 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: USA
Posts: 138
| Two lawyers go into a diner and begin to eat sandwhichs that they brought.
The owner comes over and says, "you cant eat your own sandwhiches here"
The lawyers both nodded and exchanged sandwhiches. | |
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10-07-2003, 02:26 PM
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#24 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2000 Location: Michigan
Posts: 606
| How many good lawyer jokes are there?
One, the rest are true stories! | |
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07-23-2004, 12:54 AM
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#25 | | Just Joined
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 15
| with what does a galaxy holds its pants up? with an asteroid belt!
I got a other one. what's an astronaut's favorite meal? lunch! | |
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07-23-2004, 04:12 AM
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#26 | | Immortal
Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Heidelberg, GE
Posts: 5,452
| Why won't a shark bite a lawyer?
Professional courtesy.
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Why sabre? Because you don't take heads with the point.
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07-23-2004, 07:43 PM
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#27 | | Curmudgeon-in-Chief
Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Somewhere in your nightmares!
Posts: 23,534
| A lawyer dies and finds himself standing in line waiting to get into Heaven. Right in front of him is the Pope, and when that worthy reaches St. Peter the latter assigns him quarters in what looks very much like a modest apartment complex off in the distance. Then the lawyer's turn comes, and St. Peter sends him off toward what seems to be a large palatial estate on its own cloud...and there are angels waiting with a golden coach to conduct him thither.
The next person in line, a good Catholic matron, cannot contain her outrage.
"Sir", she says, "what is the meaning of this ridiculous preferential treatment? I mean, the POPE...and a LAWYER...!"
"Madam," replies St. Peter, "we have 265 Popes up here. That was our first lawyer." | |
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07-23-2004, 11:14 PM
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#28 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Oklahoma, USA
Posts: 474
| A Preacher was on his death bed and he sent for his lawyer and Real Estate agent.
They both arrived sitting on either side of his bed and asked the Preacher what they could do for him.
The Preacher wispered,
"Christ died between 2 thieves and I want to go the same way."
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Benjamin Franklin when asked by a woman, "What kind of government have you given us?" Replied, "A Republic Madam, if you can keep it!"
"The Dude Abides"
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07-25-2004, 06:52 PM
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#29 | | Senior Member
Join Date: May 2004 Location: U.S. of F-ing A.
Posts: 1,926
| How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?
It matters how thinly you slice them
*Cue: Obnoxious laughtrack*
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thetheory.tk
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07-25-2004, 07:32 PM
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#30 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: West coast
Posts: 815
| Marriage Made In Heaven
A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.
St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.
Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.
He says, "I'm still working on it."
Two years pass by and no marriage.
St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.
Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.
The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.
"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.
St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?!! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"
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"You can honestly say that you can settle for a life full of repression and denial?" "And the dinner parties. You can never forget the dinner parties."
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07-26-2004, 05:41 PM
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#31 | | Senior Member
Join Date: May 2004 Location: U.S. of F-ing A.
Posts: 1,926
| ^ahahahaha 
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thetheory.tk
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07-27-2004, 01:09 AM
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#32 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: West coast
Posts: 815
| Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?
A: A perfect setup for skeet shooting.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha..................new thread, I'm running out of jokes.......
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"You can honestly say that you can settle for a life full of repression and denial?" "And the dinner parties. You can never forget the dinner parties."
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07-29-2004, 11:29 AM
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#33 | | Senior Member
Join Date: May 2003 Location: Gainesville, FL
Posts: 393
| What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He stands up.
__________________
If you see my little red rooster, please drag him home
If you see my little red rooster, please drag him home
There ain't no peace in the barnyard,
Since the little red rooster been gone
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07-29-2004, 11:51 AM
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#34 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 273
| Moving on to the political road
Eyes Wide Shut
George w. Bush is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?"
The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."
George W. laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"
"Republicans," the child says.
"Oh that's cute," George W. says and he runs off.
A couple of days later George is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.
George W. says to Dick, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to the boy with the box. George W. says, "Look in the box Dick, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are."
The boy replies, "They're Democrats."
"Whoa!", George W. says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What's up?"
"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now" | |
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07-29-2004, 11:54 AM
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#35 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 273
| Artificial Intelligence
I couldnt resist a second entry. They are so good!
A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.
"Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"
She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.
She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying "On The Road Again" when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attention to the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.
"Idiot!" she yelled and, from the radio, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States." | |
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07-29-2004, 11:57 AM
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#36 | | Senior Member
Join Date: May 2001
Posts: 698
| No way that first joke of yours could be true.
I mean, come on. Cheney, out on a jog, surviving it?
__________________
It is the soldier, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press. It is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech. It is the soldier, not the campus organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate. It is the soldier who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protestor to burn the flag. - Father Dennis Edward O'Brien, USMC
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07-29-2004, 11:57 AM
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#37 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 4,091
| No way that first joke of yours could be true.
I mean, come on. Cheney, out on a jog, surviving it? | |
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07-29-2004, 12:07 PM
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#38 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 273
| Quote: |
Originally Posted by Soldier No way that first joke of yours could be true.
I mean, come on. Cheney, out on a jog, surviving it? | That is exactly what I thought when I read it too. I almost changed it to Colin or even Rummy just to make it more believable.
But they were good jokes, for sure!! | |
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07-29-2004, 08:48 PM
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#39 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2000 Location: Chicago
Posts: 461
| A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim,the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued...and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. | |
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07-29-2004, 09:53 PM
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#40 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 321
| Quote: |
Originally Posted by MHS Fencer A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim,the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued...and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. | http://www.snopes.com/crime/clever/cigarson.asp | |
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