O.K. Joke time

[Kodiak Kid]

For all you pun impaired types out there, here's a thread for your favorite jokes. Good, bad or ugly. Themed or not, I don't care. Innuendo is o.k. but watch the language.
My offering for the day follows:
Frog shopping

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company.

So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her
interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked
at her...... He whispered,
"IM LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."

The old lady figured....WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else so she bought the
frog and put him in the car.
Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY".
So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young
handsome prince. The Prince then kissed the old lady back, and guess what the old lady

turned into????????



oooooooooooooohhhhhhhh come on and guess!!

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Come on - guess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Okay, here it comes........................

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She turned into the first MOTEL she could find. She was old...not dead!!

[Soldier]

An insanely drunk man tries to leave the bar one night, and falls on his face. He tries to get up, but fails.

Thinking all he needs is a little air, he drags himself outside and again tries to stand - but falls on his face in the mud. "Screw it," he thinks, and crawls home.

The next morning his wife opens the door to find him asleep on the step. "Honey, were you out drinking again last night?"

"Umm...yeah. How could you tell?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

[Saber-Psycho]

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Jack Thomas Jr., taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Then it's the minister's turn. He stands up tall and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's Church, for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man before me was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.
Why, How can this be?"

Saint Peter, looks to the preacher and says,

"Up here, we work by results,"

"While you preached, people slept. While Jack drove, people prayed."

[Craig]

A skeleton walked into a bar

ordered a beer and a mop

[rukovsoft]

here are 3 poorly translated french jokes:

here s the grossest joke i know:

a couple sleeping in a bed. the woman slowly puts her hand in the man's underwear:
- mmmm, oh darling you re getting hard...
- heu... no, i m just crapping....


here s the silliest (7th degree joke...actually 1 out of 10 people actually laughs at it):


a lion is walking down the Champs Elysee avenue in Paris. After a few minutes he asks himself:
- damn, i thought there would be more people on the Champs Elysee


here s a last one
how do you call a guy with a bloody knife in the middle of a corn field?


a ce-real killer....

[Wizardly]

I'll probably ruin this in the retelling but here goes:

A guy walks into a bar, and after sitting down and ordering a beer, he sees a big glass jar filled with cash behind the bar. He calls the bartender over and asks, "what's with the money?"

"That's a little contest we have going. You drink a dozen beers, put in fifty dollars, and perform three tasks. It's been going for a good five years now, and nobody's won. If you do all three, you win the entire jar." Looking over, the bartender reflects,"there must be a good five grand in there."

"No kidding? I'll try!" The man slaps the money on the table and proceeds to drink down all dozen beers. Completely drunk, the man asks, "what're the three tasks?"

"First, you see that huge bouncer over by the door? That's Louie. You have to win a fight with him." The man looks over and replies, "no sweat." "Second, there's a pitbull in the back named Lucy. You have to go back there and pull out a tooth. Finally, upstairs is a seventy year old hooker named Chloe who hasn't been laid in a good ten years. You have to sleep with her."

The man stands up, and after righting himself a few moments, staggers over to the bouncer. "You Louie?" he asks? "Who's asking?" he asks and begins to turn around, and the man smashes him over the head with a chair. Louie is on the ground, passed out.

The man then staggers into the back store room. After a deafening racket of howling and growling and bloody screams, the room falls silent. Then yelping is heard coming from the back. Finally, after a half hour, the man emerges, his clothes torn and bloody, and he staggers to the bar and says, "alright, now where's the hooker who needs her tooth pulled?"

[Capt. Slo-mo]

Man gets up from his table in the bar and walks over to the bartender. "I'll bet you a hundred bucks I can touch my eye with my tongue."

The bartender looks at him and says: "No one can reach their own eye with their tongue. You're on!" The man pulls out his glass eye and licks it. The bartender sighs and slips him a hundred bucks.

The man slaps the $100 bill back on the bar and says, "Tell you what...double or nothing...bet you I can bite my own ear." The bartender frowns and says: "No one can bite their own ear!"

The man takes out his false teeth and clamps them on his ear. The bartender shakes his head and gets out 200 more dollars. "Tell you what," says the man, sliding over a shot glass. "I'll bet you a cool thousand that I can stand on that table over there, and pee into this shotglass without spilling a single drop." The bartender looks at the table, which is sitting over 50 feet from the bar. He can't think of a single trick that will fool him this time. "You're on!" exclaims the bartender.

The man walks over to the table, and climbs up on it. He holds up a finger, tests the wind, whips it out and lets fly. His aim is atrocious. Urine flies everywhere, the patrons are screaming and running for cover.

The bartender laughs out loud, and rubs his hands together. He runs over to the man, who has a gigantic smile on his face. The bartender is confused. "Why are you so happy? You just lost the bet and a thousand bucks!"

The man points at his table and says, "Yeah but I bet those guys $10,000 that I could pee all over your bar, and you'd laugh about it!"

[Millamber]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two, shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

[Indy4ever]

A man is driving along the motorway when he comes accross a man bent on all fours, chewing grass. The man stops his car, leaps out and cries 'What are you doing? Don't do that! It is full of glass and dog crap!' The man, still on all fours and chewing, turns to him and says 'I am just a poor immigrant with no money. I am hungry so I am eating grass.' The man replies, 'Well hop in then and I can get you something to eat!'
'But,' says the immigant, 'I have a wife.'
'No problem,' says the man, 'bring them too.'
'I also have two children.'
'Bring them as well.'
'I also have four grandparents, eight uncles, six aunts, ten brothers and sisters and many, many cousins.'
'Whoa!' cries the man, leaping into is car, 'just how bloody big do you think my lawn is?'

[Nusy]

Eintein dies and goes to the Heaven. Saint Peter starts to apologize:
- Oh, my son, I'm really sorry, but your private room isn't finished now, so you have to be in a room of 5 at first.
Einstein says he didn't deserve the private room, of course it will be good for him, etc. He meets his first roommate, a shabbily dressed man.
- Good morning! My IQ is 180.
- Great! We can talk about Metaphysical problems!
Comes the second one, a bit better dressed.
- Hello, my IQ is 160.
- Great, we will talk about mathematical problems.
The third arrives, smartly dressed.
- Hi, my IQ is 120.
- OK, we can talk about theatre performances.
The last roommate arrives, dressed in an extravagant suit, wearing tons of jewelery. Shakes Einstein's hand so hard that he thinks it will fall out, and says:
- OOOOH, I'm REALLY sorry, but my IQ is only 60.
- And what do you think, how is the NASDAQ?

[Inquartata]

Staying with that theme...

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. He finds himself in line outside the Pearly Gates, right behind the Pope.

St. Peter checks his book for the Pope, and assigns him quarters, pointing him in the direction of what looks like a modest apartment complex. The Pope trudges off across the clouds.

The lawyer steps up. St. Peter checks his book and assigns him quarters---pointing him toward an area of huge, lavish palaces. The lawyer strides away toward his estate.

The next guy in line steps forward, and says, "Pardon me, I have to ask: why does a lawyer rate a better eternal residence than the Pope?!"

St. Peter replies, "Son, we've got 265 Popes here. That was our first lawyer."

[Iwant2bafencer]

Capt. Don't you love Wadie Mitchell?

mk here's one. It's not exactly on the pure side so you're forewarned.

A woman goes to see her son and daughter-in-law. She knocks on the door to their house and the daughterinlaw says to come in. So she walks in, and sees the daugher in law lieing on the couch completely in the nude. In shock she says "You've got nothing on!" the daughterinlaw replies "I have my love dress on." the motherinlaw says "no, you have Nother on!" the daughter inlaw replies "noo I'm in my love dress, my husband likes my love dress." They argue about it for a little while longer, then the motherinlaw leaves. After thinking on it for a while, when she gets home, the motherinlaw takes a shower and puts smell good stuff on, then sits on her couch in the nude. Her husband comes home, looks at her and says "what are you doing?" she replies "I'm in my lovedress." He looks at her again then says.
"It's wrinkled, where's my dinner?"


Two penuts were walking down a street, one of them got asalted (hehe couldn't resist)

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Carpe Diem
Ad Astra

[NJP3]

What do you call a cow with no legs?

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Ground beef!


What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

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lean beef!

[annacattiva]

So this thief breaks into a house late late one night, and is stealthily looking for things to take when he hears a voice.

"Jesus is watching you."

He gets really frightened; he had been sure that everyone was asleep, he was being as quiet as he could. He looks around furtively and doesn't see anyone, so he starts moving again.

"Jesus is watching you."

Again, he freezes and peers around into the dark corners of the room.

"Jesus is watching you."

He finally sees in one corner is a cage, and in the cage is a parrot.

"Jesus is watching you."

He sighs a huge sigh of relief and says to the parrot. "Oh, hi. Just a parrot. A talking parrot. OK. What's your name, parrot?"

The parrot says "Moses."

"What kind of people name a parrot Moses?" he asks it.

And the parrot replies, "Same kind of people that name their rottweiler Jesus."

[AndrewH]

A big bear and a little bear are sitting in the bathtub. The big bear says to the little bear "pass the soap please." The little bear says:

"No soap, RADIO!"

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Two muffins are in the oven. One says to the other "wow, it's hot in here." The other says "holy crap, a talking muffin!"



And I'm done.

[Capt. Slo-mo]

In honor of the upcoming monsoon season in the Pacific NW:

Q: What did the Oregonian say when he met the Pillsbury Doughboy?

A: "Dude! *****in' tan!"

[Saber-Psycho]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

[Iwant2bafencer]

(I dont know if anyone's done this one yet, but here ya go)

A man goes up to Heaven, and is being shown around. On his 'tour' he gets shown a room with countless clocks of all different shapes, sizes, color, etc.
"What are all of these?" he asks. The mans howing him around replies
"Oh each living person has a clock, and whenever they tell a lie the hands move, the more lies they tell the faster the hand moves."
So the guide showed him a few different clocks including Mother Terisas which hadn't moved. As they were leaving, as an after thought, the man asked. "Say where's Bill Clinton's clock?"
"Oh didn't I tell you?" the guide replied. "We use his as a ceiling fan."

[Iwant2bafencer]

It was late at night, and a mother was in her kitchen cleaning. She turned to her son who wasn't yet seven and asked him to go out to the back porch and get the broom for her. Her son replies.
"But mom, I'm scared of the dark."
"Don't worry honey, Jesus is there, he'll protect you." she comforted. The boy walks to the back door, stares at it for a second and then carefull opens it. He pokes his head out a little ways then looks back in at his mom.
"You're sure Jesus is there?" he asked.
"Yes" she answered.
So the boy poked his head back outside and said.
"Jesus, if you're out there could you hand me the broom?"

[Wizardly]

Three strings head out to a bar, one string walks up to the bartender and orders three beers. The bartender angrily replies, "didn't you read the sign on the door? We don't serve strings here!" The string walks back to his buddies and tells them what the bartender says. "Screw that!" one of them replies. "I'm thirsty, I want a beer." The second string walks up to the bartender and says, "what gives? I've got money, I want to buy a beer." The bartender responds, "like I told your buddy, we don't serve strings here. Take your friends and get out of here before I get the bouncers." Backing down, the second string walks back to his buddies and says, "he's not going to give us any beers, let's get out of here." "Wait here," the third string says and goes into the bathroom. First he unravels his end, messes it up and tosses it around, then ties himself into a knot. After checking himself in the mirror, he walks out of the bathroom and up to the bartender. "Bartender, I want a beer," he says. "Hey, aren't you one of those strings that were just in here?" he asks. The string innocently responds...
...
...
...
"No, I'm a frayed knot."



(if you don't get it, repeat it out loud a few times)