O.K. Joke time

[mollusk]

My son (11 years old) told me this one yesterday:

A woman finds her parrot completely listless and thinks that it might be dead. She wraps it in a towel and takes it to her vet. The vet looks at it and says, "I think your parrot is dead."

The woman then asks, "How can we be sure?"

The vet tells her to wait and calls in a black labrador. The dog approaches the parrot, sniffs it twice, and looks balefully at the vet and walks slowly out the door. The vet turns to the woman and says, "It looks very likely that your parrot is indeed dead."

The woman then asks, "Is there any way that we can be absolutely sure?"

The vet thinks for a minute and calls in a cat. The cat bounds up on the examining table and looks the parrot over. The cat then looks at the vet and shakes its head back and forth. The vet then pronounces the parrot dead and the woman leaves.

A week later the woman gets a bill from the vet for $3000! She calls the vet and asks why the bill is so high and he says, "My examination is $50 and the rest is for the lab work and the cat scan."

You may now groan.

[Capt. Slo-mo]

Originally posted by Saber-Psycho
but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

Omigod! That joke is disgustingly ROFL funny.

Got any more?

[Nusy]

Substituting teacher to a student:
- Are you chewing gum???
- No, I'm Billy Anderson.

-----------------

- Doc, doc, I feel like a pair of curtains!!!
- For heaven's sake, pull yourself together!

[Saber-Psycho]

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk to his office. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while saying, "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than $1 million. Yes. The appeals court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument, and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while, the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.

"I'm sorry for the delay," he said, "but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."

[Saber-Psycho]

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

[Saber-Psycho]

A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse.

The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn.

Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief.

A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn.

This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.

[Saber-Psycho]

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says: "Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You've had too good of a life, so now you can't come in here."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer is dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there! Send him back up here, now."

Satan shouts back, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right... and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"

[Saber-Psycho]

A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road.

As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.

"I'll give you a lift."

The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."

The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."

[Saber-Psycho]

chemist, a biologist, and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting for the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first.

"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.

"No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch, and nothing happened.

Under state law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner has to be released, so the chemist was released.

Then the biologist was brought forward.

"Do you have anything you want to say?"

"No, just get on with it."

The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released.

Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.

"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.

"Yes," replied the engineer. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."

[Saber-Psycho]

A woman three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.

"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."

"Oh ****, not by brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"

"Denise," the doctor replies.

Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks, "And what did he call the boy?"

The doctor answers, "Denephew."

[Nusy]

The fireman, the smoker and the sadist are in prison, in the same roo. The smoker says:
- Oh, I'd like to smoke only one cigarette...
- It causes fire danger! I'd put it out... - replies the fireman
- ...on your forehead... - says the sadist...

Hahaha... come on, laugh!!!

[Philistine]

A big-city Philadelphia lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck, and it fell into this field, and I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you're not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S., and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you for everything you've got."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times. And so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He said, "Sure, we can do things your way."

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The lawyer was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. He said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"

The old farmer smiled and said, "No, that's OK; I give up. You can have the duck!"

--Philistine

[Saber-Psycho]

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.

Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal.

I'll take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word it's ten dollars! "


Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.

He does all his tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."



Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but like Martha always said, ten dollars is ten dollars."

[Saber-Psycho]

Moses and Jesus are part
of a Threesome
playing golf one day.
Moses pulls up to the tee
and drives a long one.
The ball lands on the fairway,
but rolls directly toward a water trap.
Quickly, Moses raises his club,
the water parts,
and the ball rolls to the other side,
safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee
and hits a nice long one
directly toward the same water trap.
It lands right in the center of the pond
and kind of hovers over the water.
Jesus casually walks out on the water
and chips the ball
right up onto the green.

Then, the third guy gets up
and sort of randomly whacks the ball.
It heads out over the fence
and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street.
It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree.
From there, it bounces onto the roof
of a shack close by
and rolls down into the gutter,
down the drain spout,
out onto the fairway and straight
toward the fore mentioned pond.

On the way to the pond,
the ball hits a little stone
and bounces out over the water
and onto a lily pad,
where it comes quietly to rest.
Suddenly, a very large bullfrog
jumps on the lily pad
and snatches the ball into his mouth.
Just then, an eagle swoops down,
grabs the frog and flies away.
As they pass over the green,
the frog squeals with fright
and drops the ball,
which bounces right into the hole
for a beautiful hole in one.

Moses leans over toward Jesus and whispers,
"Do you think your Dad would teach me that shot?"

[KShan5[PrFC]]

What do you call it when two feminists drive off a cliff?


A waste you could have easiy fit 3 more in the back.

[arcon]

Dont know any jokes except for a few
people.

[2Sirius]

For all you medical people:

Four doctors go duck hunting. One is a general practitioner, one is an internal medicine specialist, one is a surgeon, and one is a pathologist.

Last year, the doctors shot every flying thing in the area, so the park ranger told them this year to make sure that anything they shoot at is a duck.

They decide to take turns. The general practitioner goes first. He sees a bird come over the horizon. "Well, it looks like a duck, it sounds like a duck, it flies like a duck. But I'm still not sure, so I better refer to a duck specialist." By this time the duck is gone and he missed his shot.

The internist goes next. A bird comes over the horizon. "Well, it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, flies like a duck. But I read in last year's Obscure Flying Birds Journal that in .0001% of the cases, it could be a Purple Bug Eyed Floppadoodle. I better wait and make sure." The duck flew by and was gone.

The surgeon goes next. As soon as a flying object clears the horizon, the surgeon lets loose with an enormous volley of shotgun blasts, blowing away everything in sight. He turns to the pathologist and says "Make sure it's a duck".

[2Sirius]

A man dies. Being an evil b****rd, he goes to hell. When he gets there, Satan says he can have a choice of where he spends eternity.

In the first room, naked people are standing on their heads in sub-zero temperatures, forced to drink large quantities of iced sodas with no bathroom in sight.

In the second room, naked people are standing on their heads in blistering heat, forced to drink large quantities of hot coffee with no bathroom in sight.

In the third room, fully clothed people are walking around in knee deep cow manure. They are talking and laughing.

The man thinks, "This doesn't look so bad." He tells Satan that this is where he wants to spend eternity.

As soon as he steps into the room, the demon in the corner shouts "OK, break's over -- everyone back on their heads!"

[KShan5[PrFC]]

A bus full of ugly people crashes on the way home from a concert. When all the ugly people arrive in Heaven God says, "I will grant you one wish and one wish only, so think hard about your decision."

The first women in line from the bus shouts out, "God I wish to be beautiful." And thus the wish was granted.

The next member of the bus steps up and says,"God I wish to be beautiful." And thus the wish was granted.

At this point the next man in line is starting to laugh particularly hard. So God gives him time to regain his composure.

So God goes on to the next member and she says, "God I wish to be beautiful." And thus the wish was granted.

At this point the man is rolling in the ground with tears streaming down his face so God continues down the line.

The rest of the members all wish to be made beautiful, so God comes back to the man who was laughing. God asks the man what he would like to wish for. The man looks up, takes a deap breath and says...."Make 'em all ugly again."