The Ten Commandments for Fencing Parents

[Thierry]

My dad is so annoying.

Every time I do well, it's because, "I was there to coach you!" Everytime I don't do well it's because ,"You weren't listening to me!" My dad seriously needs to see this.

Every time before a comp it's, "Don't foul up now!" "Don't you screw up!" He gives me all sortsa rubbish advice like "Score maximum points in poule! You have to win everything!" (Umm. I didn't know that?) And he goes on telling me to do the opposite of what my coach asks me to do. He does not have any fencing background whatsoever, and he has never fenced before, but somehow he claims that he knows more about the game than my coach.

He says I should be grateful that he goes to my competitions, which is true to a certain extent, but he just puts more pressure on me. I got bronze in the National Cadets, and instead of getting a congrats, I get to hear some guy who doesn't know what he is talking about whine about how I lost in the Semis the whole day. There was once I lost a match in this Senior competition in Hong Kong, to a coach, and he scolded me the whole day for being a loser, because some random guy told him that the coach wasn't a good fencer. There was this other time when I fenced this Senior National team fencer from Malaysia, going head to head with him, until the last 30 seconds, it was 10-8, and I sorta lost it, trying to get the points back. The guy only had 10 years more of experience than me (Literally, I've only fenced for 2 years) was way larger and way larger. I really tried my best but my dad scolded me after that match

Ever since I started fencing, all he talks about is fencing, we never had a topic to talk about before to begin with, and it's driving me crazy. If he's not talking about how I have to get my rank up higher, he's talking about me beating some other guy, or how I lost to this guy, or how my attacks are too obvious. In his own spare time, he makes up new fencing philosophy's like Fencing is like Golf blah blah blah, or fencing is like tennis blah blah blah.

I hate it when my dad scolds me after I lost a competition, I'm already feeling extremely low and I know I've messed up, and I have some complete goon who knows nuts about the sport going around scolding me about how I "Should have moved more unorthodox so as to distract my opponent" or "I should have kept my hand up higher" I have issues, lol. What should I do?

[Inquartata]

Fire your dad.

Seriously...some sports parents are like this. He's living vicariously through you or something.

IIWY, I'd rewrite your rant, toning down the language ( eg less about how he doesn't know what he's talking about and is a goon )a bit and just focusing just on how he is affecting your performance negatively. You might hint that it's starting to rob you of your enjoyment of fencing and you think it it goes on much longer you may just decide to quit the sport. Then arrange for him to see it, "accidentally".

And be prepared for that to make it worse, 'cause with guys like this, you can never be sure which way they'll go: self-realization or defensiveness...

[pillow]

Fire your dad.

Seriously...some sports parents are like this. He's living vicariously through you or something.

IIWY, I'd rewrite your rant, toning down the language ( eg less about how he doesn't know what he's talking about and is a goon )a bit and just focusing just on how he is affecting your performance negatively. You might hint that it's starting to rob you of your enjoyment of fencing and you think it it goes on much longer you may just decide to quit the sport. Then arrange for him to see it, "accidentally".

And be prepared for that to make it worse, 'cause with guys like this, you can never be sure which way they'll go: self-realization or defensiveness...

It may be my inner cynic, but I suspect the post by Thierry is a put-on. I think it's a bit too cleverly written....

[Phincer]

It may be my inner cynic, but I suspect the post by Thierry is a put-on. I think it's a bit too cleverly written....

Maybe so, but I know a fencing mom who is exactly like this.

[pillow]

Maybe so, but I know a fencing mom who is exactly like this.

That's why it's a clever piece of writing.

[Thierry]

It's real, I just wrote it as nice as I could because my dad occasionally views the forum, on really really rare occasions.

[Inquartata]

THAT was "as nice as you could"? Eeek! I'd hate to see your "mean"!

[occasionalfencer]

If all of this is true, it is not going to be solved or even helped by an online suggestion or two. Really, seriously, ask your father to go to family counseling with you.

[LeeRain]

Somewhere, Graham Chapman is smiling.LOL

[Inquartata]

I think you meant "smelling".

[PretAllez]

Thierry, if I were you, I'd insist my father start fencing himself ... or shut up.

That said, be careful that you are not inadvertently inviting your father to state his opinion. I have a child (not the fencing one), who often asks for my opinion of her performance in her chosen sport (how she did, how did this look, etc.) and if I don't give her the opinion she is looking for, she jumps all over me. (I have re-learned the old adage "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all".)

However, if I read you correctly, this does not seem to be your situation. What you really need to understand is what your father's intentions are: is he pestering you because he feels this is his way of supporting you? Or is he hell bent on producing a "winner" in whose glory he can bask? The only way to really discover this is to have a heart-to-heart talk at a non-fencing, non-confrontational time. Counselling may be preferable, but it may not be an option.

If not, I suggest that you spell out your rules and why you insist on them: you appreciate his support but his comments are distracting, demoralizing, or whatever. Give specific examples and be as clear and unemotional as possible. Use "I" statements: "When you say this, I feel like this" so that he understands the impact of his statements/actions. If possible, provide alternatives and examples of ways in which he could help, i.e. "I need you to leave me alone for 1/2 an hour after a defeat to emotionally process this disappointment" or "I would like you to videotape my bouts so I can go over them with my coach".

I'm curious; does he control other aspects of your life? Is this perhaps his way of maintaining a connection with you? A frank, adult, respectful conversation is only the beginning, but it's an important first step in improving your relationship (fencing and otherwise). I doubt he's trying to sabotage your performance; it's just that his efforts to help you are ineffective and counterproductive, which is something you can work on.

OTOH, if he is using you as a proxy for his own ambitions, then the only thing you can do is insist that he start fencing for himself; in doing so, you will dispell his illusions since he will no longer be able to equate your success/failure with his own.

[redheaded_sabreuse]

It may be my inner cynic, but I suspect the post by Thierry is a put-on. I think it's a bit too cleverly written....

So the kid's reasonably good at expressing himself in writing -- kids aren't all totally illiterate. I think it's completely believable that this is a real experience as written by an intelligent teenager, not in the least because he's written a terrifyingly accurate portrayal of what my father would have been like if he was ever a fencing parent.

I don't have any good advice for how to manage an unreasonable, controlling parent, alas -- most fathers of this sort will NEVER admit to any faults of their own. Mine sure couldn't.

However, Thierry, allow me to offer some words of comfort. From your writing level, I'd place your age somewhere between 15 and 18, and you appear to be a very talented fencer. So remember this -- soon you will be off to college, and once you are no longer living with your parents, you can start the process of setting some boundaries of how much they are allowed into your life.

In the meantime, please try to distance yourself emotionally from your father's criticisms and put them in perspective -- "Yeah, it's just Dad doing his aggro thing again, whatever" -- and don't let it sour you on the sport itself.

Regards,
Red

[pillow]

It may be my inner cynic, but I suspect the post by Thierry is a put-on. I think it's a bit too cleverly written....

So the kid's reasonably good at expressing himself in writing -- kids aren't all totally illiterate. I think it's completely believable that this is a real experience as written by an intelligent teenager, not in the least because he's written a terrifyingly accurate portrayal of what my father would have been like if he was ever a fencing parent.

I don't have any good advice for how to manage an unreasonable, controlling parent, alas -- most fathers of this sort will NEVER admit to any faults of their own. Mine sure couldn't.

However, Thierry, allow me to offer some words of comfort. From your writing level, I'd place your age somewhere between 15 and 18, and you appear to be a very talented fencer. So remember this -- soon you will be off to college, and once you are no longer living with your parents, you can start the process of setting some boundaries of how much they are allowed into your life.

In the meantime, please try to distance yourself emotionally from your father's criticisms and put them in perspective -- "Yeah, it's just Dad doing his aggro thing again, whatever" -- and don't let it sour you on the sport itself.

Regards,
Red

Ok, so the kid writes well. Is he an American? If so, do we have many fencers going to Senior World Cups with only two years of fencing experience? My inner cynic is not satisfied.

[redheaded_sabreuse]

Ok, so the kid writes well. Is he an American? If so, do we have many fencers going to Senior World Cups with only two years of fencing experience? My inner cynic is not satisfied.

I know a fencer who's only been at it for three years who has a D rating and goes to national competitions, but he was a hardcore soccer player for several years and was already in great shape when he started.

Also -- why else would anyone observe an irritating sports parent so closely, if s/he wasn't related to that person and forced to deal with him on a daily basis?

And who else would be motivated to write such a keenly observed character sketch of an irritating sports parent than a kid who badly needs a place to vent? It's not like irritating sports parents of this type are so durned fascinating and charismatic to the disinterested observer, after all.

[kalivor]

Ok, so the kid writes well. Is he an American? If so, do we have many fencers going to Senior World Cups with only two years of fencing experience? My inner cynic is not satisfied.

Your inner cynic is not reading what Thierry wrote. Where does he mention Senior World Cups? He only mentions senior competitions and cadet nationals. Not all senior competitions are World Cups, and Hong Kong hasn't hosted any world cups during the period of time that Thierry claims to have been fencing.

Based on this, I would guess that he is not American. Simply because American fencers rarely attend random competitions in Hong Kong, and other random competitions against Malaysians. This suggests that Thierry lives somewhere in Asia.

[pillow]

Your inner cynic is not reading what Thierry wrote. Where does he mention Senior World Cups? He only mentions senior competitions and cadet nationals. Not all senior competitions are World Cups, and Hong Kong hasn't hosted any world cups during the period of time that Thierry claims to have been fencing.

Based on this, I would guess that he is not American. Simply because American fencers rarely attend random competitions in Hong Kong, and other random competitions against Malaysians. This suggests that Thierry lives somewhere in Asia.

Good points. Now all I have to do is figure which Asian countries have a championship called "Cadet Nationals." English would still seem to be the first language, regardless of location. I consider the OP a put-on unless I get a PM proving otherwise. If the problems are real, family therapy is the answer, I just am unclear about the veracity of the OP.

[Inquartata]

I'm guessing Singapore.

[warlordkenobi]

From a different thread

Man we could use such a coach in Singapore xD