Fencing in Fiction II

[qzsoo]

Dear Fencers,

Your replies to my original post of 12/04 (Fencing in Fiction) have been enlightening, fun, and most helpful. Thank you all for your suggestions and ideas.

Because several of you requested it, I hereby paste three "fencing" excerpts from the book which precede the one previously posted, and again look forward to your feedback. This is how we learn.

Best regards,
Qz

__________________________________________________

Excerpt from Chapter 5

It was the first day in many years that she had run without him [Abu, Cali's horse, who's recovering from a leg injury]. She felt empty-handed and a little silly at first, but her body craved the exercise, and she ended up going farther than they had usually gone together. She stopped at the mailbox on the way home, and among the bills found a Russian River College Summer Catalog. "Beginning Foil Fencing" caught her eye--a six-week course on Tuesday and Thursday evenings.

She'd always had a certain fascination for fencing--the dance, the art, the frenzy of clashing steel--and it looked like a fun, sexy way to play with Tom. She would ask him at dinner if he was game. She imagined leaping across the bed at him, ching, ching, ching, backing him out the bedroom door, clang, clang, clang, through the guestroom, pant, pant, pinning him to the wall of her office, then, both of them breathless, making good use of the window seat beneath the bay window.

Abu was waiting for her at the corner of the paddock and nickered when she came into view. “Oh, sweetie,” she said running a hand down his blaze, “You didn’t miss a thing. You’ve seen it all before, and I promise you, it wasn’t a bit of fun without you.”

* * *


Excerpt from Chapter 8


Tom had agreed to the fencing classes, but missed the first one due to a power cut and the second because of an unexpected run to the airport for a counter-to-counter delivery from Chicago. Cali went without him and paired up with a young college student named Liza, a tall brunette with dark snappy eyes and a pixie haircut. She had a contagious smile and dreams of becoming a screen writer, and she and Cali were a good team, as they both proved to be serious fencing students—Cali, because she was that way, and Liza, because she needed the credits.

Classic Italian Foil Fencing was a mental challenge as well as a strenuous workout. Cali described it to Tom as “donning gear that’s hot and heavy, shuffling from one end of the gym to the other in a squatting position with both arms held in the air, while playing a mental game of chess.” She suspected that he’d not been terribly disappointed to have missed it, but for her it was a stimulating way to keep fit during Abu’s hiatus.

She also swam fifty laps three times a week and continued to run each morning, stretching the distance out to two miles daily. These athletics kept her occupied, fit, and trim, but what she really hungered for was a long, fast gallop.

* * *


Excerpt from Chapter 12
(working on the roof)

Cali smiled and wiped her forehead with the back of her glove. It was blistering hot, and she was grateful for her fencing experience. She’d fenced in the heat for an hour and a half twice a week all summer beneath a heavy jacket and mask, where even her eyelids had sweat, like they did now behind her sunglasses. She looked down and saw why roofers only worked in the morning on days such as these—it wasn’t just to beat the heat; their shoes were starting to leave impressions on the shingles softening in the sun.

[Sildar]

The amount of information I get about the story from these brief passages speaks well of the writing. How long is this book now, anyway?

I can't comment on the accuracy of the fencing references, since they are only passing remarks, or her mental image. One thing I would suggest, however, is to be aware that modifiers which don't add much information often weaken the sentence. You might consider "she felt empty handed and silly" rather than "empty handed and a little silly," "She'd always had a fascination for fencing" vs. "certain fascination," "It was hot" vs. "It was blistering hot," and so on. Try removing any modifiers that don't add a lot to the sentence and you may find it reads better.

The part that reads "-Cali, because she was that way," struck me as awkward. Perhaps it might sound better to say "because that was her way?"

And plotwise, I would strongly recommend that she dump Tom--his lack of enthusiasm for fencing demonstrates that he lacks character

Any chance of a third helping?

[Inquartata]

I on the other hand love rich, dense writing---phooey on the terse structuring Hemingway and his imitators spawned! Give me Jack Vance and E.R.R Eddison and Stephen Donaldson any day...