Fencing in Fiction

[qzsoo]

Fencing Friends,

In 1998, I took a college semester of Classic Foil Fencing, with the idea that I might one day want to write about the sport. I am now completing a novel, and have pasted a first draft of a fencing scene below. Would anyone be willing to look it over and let me know if anything doesn't make sense--if any terms are incorrectly used or otherwise amiss.

You know what they say about writing . . .”Make one mistake and the reader who knows better won't trust you from then on." Or something like that.

In gratitude,

Qz

P.S. This is my first post, and I'm having trouble with italics. Bear with me.

Background: Our protagonist is an equestrian and poet, delving into the art of fencing while her horse is recouping from an injury.


* * *


Liza and Cali were a good match that evening, neither understanding fully what they were doing. One thing was sure: It wasn’t as easy as it looked. You didn’t just get out there and “sword fight.” Good fencers made it look like an elegant dance, but there was so much to remember that it seemed impossible they’d ever be able to relax and let it flow.

They both excelled in the technical drills however, knowing “more about the foil than was healthy,” as Liza put it, rattling off the three elements of the blade, the six elements of the guard, the weapon’s length, its weight; the six hand positions, the three placements, and the positions of invitation. Then there were the attacks—simple and compound—the counterattacks, parries, ripostes, and actions of concealment. Their heads were swimming with facts, little wonder they couldn’t think of a decent move.

“Like I really need to know the ricasso from the tang,” Liza whispered to Cali as they stood side by side in en guard position for three-going-for-five minutes.

Cali’s heart pounded, pumping blood to the tensed muscles of her arms and legs. “Or an appuntata from an imbroccata,” she snickered, just as the instructor tapped her on the back with button of his blade.

“You, me . . . on the strip. Let’s fence.”

Liza bit her lip and arched an eyebrow exaggeratedly. Cali turned to face the provost, then followed him to the marked off area where he had, over the weeks and one by one, masterfully outstripped her classmates.

“You know, this is really hard for me . . .” she pleaded through her mask while facing her master, “to keep banging away at something I don’t really understand—”

“Masks off,” he ordered, preparing for the salute, then whipped through the movements like an eggbeater, his foil a silver blur. “Masks on. En guard!”

Cali was out of her element and adrift in his sport. Give her a thousand pounds of horsepower with a will of its own and she could manage it quite nicely with four fingers, but this . . .

He was obviously waiting for her to make a move. Easy enough. Advance. Lunge. Straight thrust (skillfully parried by him, of course). What now? Her mind scrambled for the next appropriate action. Never mind—he disarmed her, sending her foil flying halfway across the gym, scattering students in all directions.

“Geeze,” she said, gawking at her empty hand. “Someone could get hurt here.”

“Don’t let that happen again,” he warned.

But it did, and Cali marched after her weapon, returned to the strip, and fought back with verve, if not skill. Fifteen minutes into the match she somehow managed to execute a feint direct by disengagement that surprised them both, and scored a point. It was then that she began enjoying herself. Her opponent seemed nettled at first, as might be expected when a green but exuberant pupil throws form to the wind and plows through a rule-laden procedure with a not much more than a playful spirit. That was the key for Cali—play, relax, and let it flow.

She enjoyed the sensuous undercurrent of the sparring—a bona fide “battle of the sexes” it was—and the warm handshake after the match told her that he, too, had enjoyed the interaction.

* * *

[JEC]

That's neat!

[Manjusri]

Very nice, enjoyed that. Certainly more authentic than anything I've encountered in print.

Since you asked for nitpicks:
sparing = sparring
enguard = en garde or on guard

If by six hand positions, you mean the parries...there are 8 in foil and epee (prime, seconde, tierce, quarte, quinte, sixte, septime, octave). Nowadays, it is common for instructors to limit instruction to four: quarte, sixte, septime, octave.

I'm not sure what " the three placements" or "actions of concealment" are. Not necessarily wrong, I just havent heard the term. You might mean deception, as in deceiving a blade, or not.

"feint direct by disengagement" sounds wrong to me, since a direct attack is one without a disengage. I would phrase it: "feint direct, followed by disengagement" or "feint direct, disengage".

Regards

[Inquartata]

Nothing in it would put me off particularly. I take it the story is not set in a modern fencing salle, from the number of 'archaic' terms
( imbrocatta, provost, ricasso ), correct?

[Purple Fencer]

Actually, it sounded more like classical fencing to me...

["Fence like a Cat"]

Pretty good. Nice and visual. Now I want to know about the principals and the setting. Feedback already provided technically is good;p standard foil obviously. It would make a good start to a screenplay - I'd like to know the central plot line though. At the end I am not sure if there is going to be sex at some point or a friendly rivalry between coach and student with some sort of unspoken mutual attraction. Please give us more to read.

Marty

[D'Artagnan1673]

Well, if you ask my opinion, then you will get it.

My first suggestion would be to pick up The Three Musketeers and turn to around page 40 where Dumas describes the duel between myself and Jussac. Dumas does not go into great detail but rather satisfies his readers by explaining the pace, tone and mental disposition of the two swordsmen. There are also passages regarding duels in Twenty Years After and Le Vicomte de Bragelonne.

I, as a fencer, found your detailed description of the bout easy to read since I know the terminology and have actually applied that terminology. However, a lay reader may read that scene in the same way that I drudgingly read all the natural history descriptions in 20,000 Leagues Under the Seas. If you do not know what I mean, then count yourself lucky.

What is the setting of this novel? If your characters are riding horses, then I would assume pre-20th century. Was the word gym used back then? I feel that the word gym gives too modern a feel to the text. As soon as I read the word, I was brought back to the modern word. Perhaps simply use the word Salle'.

I also noticed that the term ricasso is used. I assume then that we are fencing more the Italian school vs. French. If fencing with the Italian handle, then it is much harder to be disarmed than if fencing with a French handle.

[D'Artagnan1673]

In my critique, I forgot to mention that I enjoyed readng what you have written. Very nice flow and feel to it.

[Philistine]

As a fencer, the only thing that really jarred me a little was the part: "Fifteen minutes into the match she somehow managed..." {my itatlics}

I found it a bit jarring that an experienced fencer would have a match against a beginner lasting fifteen minutes. Might I suggest being a little vague--e.g. "ln the middle of the match", "late in the match" or some such?

You might also want to try something like that when describing various arcane bits of knowledge, e.g. something like knowing "all" of the hand positions and "each" of the guards, rather than using a number which may or may not be correct, depending upon the background of the reader.

FWIW, I thought it pretty clear from the tone of the dialogue that it was a modern setting--but doubtless the rest of the story would cement the timeframe.

--Philistine

[D'Artagnan1673]

Originally posted by Philistine
As a fencer, the only thing that really jarred me a little was the part: "Fifteen minutes into the match she somehow managed..." {my itatlics}

I found it a bit jarring that an experienced fencer would have a match against a beginner lasting fifteen minutes. Might I suggest being a little vague--e.g. "ln the middle of the match", "late in the match" or some such?

Allow me to disagree because as a beginner, I remember free bouts where score was not kept. Therefore, this bout may last as long as the two care to fence without implying anything in regards to the score. Also, since this story is more interested in the fencing and not the results, I think that it makes sense. Also, the text did not imply either way as to if this were a free bout or a bout in the sense that touches were tallied.

[Sildar]

I enjoyed it, both in terms of the writing itself and the description of the fencing. The reference to the ricasso is consistant with the Italian terminology and classical style implied. Apparently this is a Scuola Magistrale salle, based on your description (ie Gaugler's tradition). The six hand positions being first, second, third, fourth, second in third, and third in fourth; the three placements being invitation, engagement, and blade in line. Nothing wrong with that, but people trained in a different system might think it was incorrect simply because they weren't trained that way.

And a beginner using an Italian grip can certainly be disarmed with the proper action.

The only thing I think needs changing is the word "sparring;" this is a boxing term, borrowed by Eastern martial arts, which is sometimes incorrectly applied to fencing. Unless we're talking fisticuffs, people fencing could be described as having a bout or match, if the score is kept; if not one would say they were free fencing, or having an "assault at arms" if you want to use the more classical term (which would be in keeping with the rest of the passage).

Stylistically, the passage is very good.