Of Cats

[jjefferies]

Having one, or rather being kept by one I thought I might contribute a couple of notes:

A man was sitting on the settee watching TV when he heard his wife's
voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner, Love ? Chicken, beef or lamb ??"
He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."
"Shut up. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."

[jjefferies]

And then of course if you haven't seen it before there's the treadmill cats:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVjzd320gew

[jjefferies]

I think this was submitted to my in-box by a cat
In general I think they like bad poetry with dark meanings

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most
romanticfirst line but least romantic second
line:.............................



Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
but I only slept with you, because I was pissed
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar
bowl's empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you, could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
two parts vodka, one part lime

You should try living with one.

[jjefferies]

HOW BLONDE WAS SHE?

She was sooooooooooBlonde...

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She thought GeneralMotors was in the Army.

She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

[jjefferies]

The priest, rabbi, preacher and the bear as told by Cat


A priest, a rabbi and a Pentecostal preacher all served as chaplains to the
students of the University of Minnesota, Duluth Branch. They would get
together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk "shop".


One day someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that
hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. Well, one thing led to
another and before it was over, they decided to do a 7 day experiment. They
would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.... It's now

7 days later and they're all together to discuss the experience.


Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
various bandages, goes first. "Wellll," he says in a fine Irish brouge, "Ey
wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began
to rread to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Welll, thet bear wanted naught
to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water
and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he becam as gintle as a lamb. The bishop is
cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."


Reverend Billy Bob speaks next. He's in a wheel chair, with an arm and both
legs in casts and an I. V. drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he
proclaims, "WELL brothers.... you KNOW that we don't sprinkle... WE DUNK! I
went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's
HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted
NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We
rassled down one hill, UPanother and DOWN


another until we come to a crick. So'se I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his
hairy soul. An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest
of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."


They both look down at the rabbi who's lying in a hospital bed. He's in a
body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. The
rabbi looks up and says "Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to
circumcise one of those creatures."
******
This had nothing to do with Cats. Just wanted to know if you would read it.
Time Wastrel

[jjefferies]

For all you dog and/or cat lovers

The Question: "How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?"

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not
up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me!

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb!
Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please,
please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from
the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one
more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of
the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the
walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a
light bulb?

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the
dark.

11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.....

13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little
circle...

15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.
By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light
bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can
expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE
STAFF.

[jjefferies]

I was just thinking that when people see our cats' litter box, they always
say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for
company!"

[jjefferies]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

Ok, that's it for now. I'm bored time to go stab somebody.

[jjefferies]

Ok, That worked for a while. But when I got to the salle there was a dance instructor doing jazzercise/aerobics. Nice way to start the session. But now I'm home exhausted and ready for food. And the cat wasn't into sharing the prosciutto so I'm off again. But before I did I thought to add a few more of these idiot posts I get from the cat. So here's another:

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of
toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'
He declined. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this
Viagra,' he says 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'
At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something . . . . . 'a bowl of
soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'
He declined. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'
Come dinnertime, she asked if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a
juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken
or tasty stir fry?'
He declined again. . . . . 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra. I'm
still not hungry.' . . ..
'Well,' she said, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'

[jjefferies]

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You
have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the
asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm
and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to
sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to
Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that
He made to the cat.

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats,
dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller
skates, we would not have to run again.'

God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller
skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound
asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is
everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my
life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have
been sending over are delicious!'
*******************

[jjefferies]

*****************
A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life? '
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her .

There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
'I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.'

[jjefferies]

An older gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

'Yes, Dad, what is it? '

'Don't be nervous, son; do your best
and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother is going to come and
live with you and your wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[jjefferies]

Boy, what a way to get my posting numbers up.

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is
amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,' how do you stay in such
great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in
such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down
the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more
to it. How old was your Father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's
still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with
me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had
a little vino and that's why he's still alive.. He's Italian and he's
a golfer, too..'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it
than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nono's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfath
er's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer..

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why
would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'
His Daddy made him! (this last line came from an old friend John McCutcheon)