How to Bathe a Cat

[Mo]

This is for you Vorpal and Eroo and anyone else who really likes to laugh.
It is from the best of Craig's list.

1. Know that although the kitty cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, we recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

2. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. We recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

3. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)

4. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have now begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

5. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

6. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.

7. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better.


It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

[Inquartata]

With regard to the affixed-to-your-leg part, I must suggest from experience that canvas overalls will NOT suffice. I recommend that you look into bomb-squad Kevlar, or possibly 16th century cuisses, greaves and poleyns. Replicas will do; seek out an SCA armorer. Be sure to specify armor for foot combat, as the entire limb must be encased, and armor for riding protects only the outside of the leg...

All in all it may be easier to insert the cat into the washing machine and sit on the lid throughout the gentle cycle.

[Fencergrl]

Hubby had a great solution. I didn't believe it until I saw it in action. He takes an old pair of pantyhose, and stuffs the cat in them (bum first) bring the pantyhose up to the neck and tighten (but not enough to choke). As he put it "Now you have a bag-o-cat and you can wash him/her through the nylons."

Personally, I've never had a problem. Putting your hand down on their back firmly keeps them still while you bath them.

One of the things I have learned is to wash the cat, then the dog. If you do it in reverse, the cat will disappear as soon as he sees the dog wet. The dog on the other hand, will get all happy that we're torturing the cat and forget (until it's too late) that he's next.

I must admit, I like Inq's solution. Cats have a weird interest in dryers. There's a good chance the washing machine solution is possible... other than the drowning issue, which I suspect Inq considers to be a benefit rather than an issue.

[Inquartata]

You can still wash them 8 times this way.

[Lady Quindecim]

You people are weird. I thought they were self cleaning. Like fencing gloves.

[parryDoh]

http://www.indyfoil.com/sleepingcat.jpg

Gettem while they sleep

[whiteandbluefencer]

When we used to have cats, I would put them in the kitchen sink and hold them by the back of the neck. I would then use the sprayer and have someone else (one of my siblings) come by and squirt them with the soap. This way I always had at least one hand on the cat. My mom wasn't too thrilled with me using the kitchen sink, so this usually meant that afterwards I got stuck scrubbing out the sink...

All of this usually involved a great deal of hissing, evil looks , and other such displays of temper from both the cat and myself.

[Purple Fencer]

2. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. We recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a FENCING MASK, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

Fixed it....when Sandy and I were doing cat rescue, I actually DID use my mask once when we had to trim the clawn on a feral...good thing, too, as she DID catch me aroundone of my cheeks!

[Mo]

I only have had to bathe a cat once. He was a long hair and had a bottom issue.
Thank goodness for hand held showers.

I thought that those instructions were hysterical so had to print them. The four cats I have now, sigh, are pretty much self cleaning. They do really like to be brushed and they look so purdy after...


The Momster

[whiteandbluefencer]

Yeah, thanks for posting the instructions! They were very funny after the long and very crappy day I had today!

[Elendae]

Hubby had a great solution. I didn't believe it until I saw it in action. He takes an old pair of pantyhose, and stuffs the cat in them (bum first) bring the pantyhose up to the neck and tighten (but not enough to choke). As he put it "Now you have a bag-o-cat and you can wash him/her through the nylons."

Add a muzzle to this and you may be able to bathe my sweet, loving Nadia...

[Fencergrl]

The Hudderites in my brother-in-law's community have a "interesting" way of castrating the male cats. They'll do your barn for a bottle of whiskey.

First they shove the cat headfirst into a rubber boot, with just their nether regions exposed. A quick snip, swab with a bit of the whiskey and let it go and on to the next one.

* for those concerned about the cruelties of this... the vet typically just uses a local anaesthetic and doesn't put a male cat out. Females are different, they are put out and given painkillers afterwards.

[lindajdunn]

Our cats have generally been self-cleaning but when we adopted Ming the Merciless from a rescue organization, we decided we needed to shampoo her. Note she received her name AFTER the shampooing.

The result is here:

http://www.lindajdunn.com/cats/pics/shampoo.jpg

[dharmaqueen]

Too cute!

[Mo]

Our cats have generally been self-cleaning but when we adopted Ming the Merciless from a rescue organization, we decided we needed to shampoo her. Note she received her name AFTER the shampooing.

The result is here:

http://www.lindajdunn.com/cats/pics/shampoo.jpg

Ming is so cute!!!
My cats are: Mr Bigglesworth, Twink, Boris and Barbara Jean.
I really enjoy my kitties. My kids tell me I am well on my way to being a crazy cat lady.
Goody...
The Momster

[Nolano]

my cat is named Yoda. I wouldn't dare try to bathe him. Luckily he smells fine for being 900 years old.
(dork joke, he's really about 4.)

[Purple Fencer]

my cat is named Yoda. I wouldn't dare try to bathe him. Luckily he smells fine for being 900 years old.
(dork joke, he's really about 4.)

When 900 year old YOU reach, smell as good YOU will not!

[Inquartata]

When 900 year old YOU reach, smell as good YOU will not!

I resent that intimation!

[Purple Fencer]

I resent that intimation!

Heh....I'll make sure to put on my respirator mask when you come to the armor table for mask check at the Linkmeyer next month, then!