Political Laughs...

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Thought as things heat up we all could use some leavening sooo...

From Jay Leno (Tuesday Night):

‘Palling Around With Terrorists’
jay leno

Aired Tuesday night on NBC: As you know, the debates were held earlier tonight. A little awkward at the beginning of the debate when Barack Obama took a page from Sarah Palin’s book when he walked over to John McCain and said, “Can I call you old?”

No, tonight’s presidential debate took place in Nashville, Tennessee, which is perfect because the economy right now is kind of like a bad country song, isn’t it?

Tonight’s presidential debate was actually what they called town hall style, which means instead of ignoring the moderator’s questions, the candidates can ignore the voters directly.

No, it’s a town hall format, which is John McCain’s favorite way to speak to crowds, as opposed to Barack Obama’s favorite way, a Sermon on the Mount.

In Boca Raton, Florida, yesterday, a woman who looked like Sarah Palin caused a near riot when she walked into a diner for breakfast. But after a minute or two, people finally realized it wasn’t her when she started answering questions.

Sarah Palin attacking Barack Obama for “palling around” with terrorists, like this William Ayers guy. Apparently, Ayers was a ’60s radical who allegedly once set off a bomb in a men’s room. When he heard about the bombing, Sen. Larry Craig said, “The guy’s an animal!”

John McCain’s wife, Cindy McCain, has won the Family Circle magazine presidential cookie contest. Cindy won with a recipe for oatmeal butterscotch cookies — narrowly beating out Michelle Obama with her recipe for macadamia nut cookies filled with hope.

In fact, John McCain says his wife’s cookies are so soft, he can eat them without even putting his teeth in.

Well, with all of the excitement about the election, it’s easy to forget about President Bush. But next year, he’ll be unemployed and he’ll be at that awkward age — too young to retire, yet too old to decimate another nation’s economy.

A woman in Australia has a rare medical condition that causes her eyes to clamp shut for three days at a time. Yeah, kind of like banking regulators in this country.

President Bush’s response to this economic crisis was to meet with some small business owners at a soda shop in San Antonio, Texas, this week. Well, the bad news, the small business owners are now General Motors, General Electric, and Century 21.

Do you think President Bush even understands what’s going on? Like, today, they asked about the credit crunch — he said it was his favorite candy bar.

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From David Letterman:

‘Even Donald Trump is Hurting’
david letterman

Aired Tuesday night on CBS: Welcome to “The Late Show.” I’m your host, Dave Sixpack.

Even Donald Trump is hurting because of the economy. Today, Donald trump took that thing on his head to the pound.

But here in the depressing economy, the real winner is O.J. Simpson. He’s got 25-to-life of free room and board.

Did you folks see the second presidential debate? It got off to an awkward start when a confused John McCain said to Barack Obama, “May I call you Joe?”

But this was what they call the town hall format. And that means that the candidates get to walk around on stage. And it was pretty successful because John McCain only wandered off twice.

McCain was on stage with a hand microphone, but you could tell he was confused when he started singing “Sweet Caroline.”

I like John McCain. He looks like the guy who thinks he’s the neighborhood sheriff, you know? One of those guys. “You better tie up those trash bags or we’re going to get raccoons. Come on. Get ‘em! We’re going to get the raccoons.”

But this presidential debate was held in Nashville, Tennessee, and I think according to Sarah Palin that borders Iraq.

Like I said, this was the second presidential debate for John McCain and Barack Obama. I’m telling you, ladies and gentlemen, things are really starting to look bad for Hillary.

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Finally from Conan O'Brien:

Latest Monologues »
‘Wizards and Warlocks’
conan o'brien

Aired Tuesday night on NBC: The second presidential debate was tonight. And beforehand, John McCain said, “The gloves are coming off.” Yeah, then McCain said, “But don’t worry, the diaper is staying on.”

Some of the questions for tonight’s debate were submitted by people on the Internet. When faced with the Internet questions, John McCain said he refuses to engage with wizards or warlocks. None of that crazy Internet magic for him.

In a recent speech, Sarah Palin referred to Afghanistan as “our neighboring country.” Yeah, yeah. Then she promised to find Osama bin Laden in the mountains of Toronto.

President Bush gave a speech today about the economy. And he said he believed — this is his quote — he said, “Anyone who makes bad decisions should fail.” Yeah, then Bush looked around the room and said, “Hey, why did it get so quiet in here?”

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‘I Don’t Want to Say the Debate Was Boring …’
jay leno

Aired Wednesday night on NBC: All the networks had their own spin on last night’s debate between Barack Obama and John McCain. Like, ABC called it “Dancing Around the Questions,” while MTV billed it as “Ebony and History.”

And it was broadcast live from Nashville. You know, I don’t want to say the debate was boring. But I never thought a political event in Tennessee could be that dull without the help of Al Gore.

I guess this time they went with the town hall format. They use that because they say it demonstrates the next president’s ability to think and talk at the same time, or as President Bush calls that, “showing off.”

It got a little heated at one point during the debate. McCain talked about experience and he said, “We don’t have time for on-the-job training.” Then why did you pick Sarah Palin?

Of course, Barack Obama criticized John McCain for singing, “Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran.” Remember that? Ironically, now the No. 1 song in Israel.

And the only really new proposal last night came from John McCain, who proposed buying up bad homeowner mortgages. Not to save the middle class. You know, McCain, he just likes buying houses.

Sarah Palin has vowed to do only a few interviews between now and the election. Katie Couric’s interview, she called it “gotcha journalism.” Palin is not doing any more of those, just doing friendly interviews now, which she calls “you betcha journalism.”

You know, you see a lot of these financial experts on the news the last couple of weeks. And isn’t the very fact they’re in this mess proof there’s no such thing as a financial expert? Huh, huh? Anyway, the good news, Secretary Treasurer Henry Paulson called for calm today. The bad news, he made the call from the Cayman Islands.

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‘That One’
conan o'brien

Aired Wednesday night on NBC: During last night’s debate, John McCain sparked a bit of a controversy when he referred to Barack Obama as “that one.” Yeah, afterwards, McCain said, “What? Like I’m supposed to remember everybody’s name now?”

Well, because of all the international focus on the election, last night’s debate was broadcast in foreign countries all across Europe, Asia, and South America, or, as Sarah Palin calls them, Russia.

People looking into Barack Obama’s campaign contributions say that Obama may have received $3.3 million from abroad. Yeah. It turns out that broad is Oprah Winfrey.

Possible controversy for the Obama campaign. Republicans are now accusing Barack Obama’s campaign of voter fraud, because some of the people they’ve registered sound like they have fake names. Apparently, the fakest-sounding name is Barack Obama.

Time magazine says that the winner of the presidential election in Florida will be determined by voters under the age of 30. In case you’re wondering, the Florida voters under 30 are named Kyle and Stacy.

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‘Isn’t as Bad as the Great Depression’

More of your “late night” jokes (send via the comment link below):

John McCain has suggested the C.E.O. of eBay, Meg Whitman, for Secretary of the Treasury. This will work. She’ll help convert our economy from the free-market system to flea-market system. – Jim Rose

The new Neiman Marcus Christmas catalog is out. The average American doesn’t have the money to shop there. Only the extremely bailed out could afford most of their items. – Alan Ray, Stockton, Calif.

This crisis isn’t as bad as the Great Depression. Sure, folks in offices are being laid off, but their computers are still working. – Gil Stern

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From Funny or Die:


McCain's Brain #1: The Truth Behind Sarah Palin

McCain's Brain #2: Cindy & The View

McCain's Brain #3: The First Debate with Obama

McCain's Brain #4: The Second Debate



ABC News about Obama's parents

YouTube Video

[jeff]

From the MANITOBA HERALD, Canada

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada
has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols
to stop the illegal immigration. The possibility of a McCain/Palin
election is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear
they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of
sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing
their fields at night. 'I went out to milk the cows the other day, and
there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,' said Manitoba
farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota . The
producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare
a latte and some free-range chicken.

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers
that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. 'Not real effective,' he
said. 'The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so
much they wouldn't give milk.'

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals
near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive
them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. 'A lot
of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,' an Ontario
border patrolman said. 'I found one carload without a drop of drinking
water.' They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though.'

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often
wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors
have been circulating about the McCain administration establishing
re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to shoot wolves
from airplanes, deny evolution, and act out drills preparing them for
the Rapture.

In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of
crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on
bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a
half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian
immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed
senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to
prove they were alive in the '50s. 'If they can't identify the
accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about
their age,' an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan
Sarandon movies. 'I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian
economy just can't support them,' an Ottawa resident said. 'How many
art history and English majors does one country need?'

[Author Unknown]

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‘Didn’t We Buy This Company?’
jay leno

Aired Thursday night on NBC: I see all the big Halloween stores opening up all across the country. Retailers say the big costume this year, pirate. All you need is a briefcase, Brooks Brothers suit, Wall Street business cards.

Everybody’s still talking about the presidential debate the other night. How boring it was! Experts say neither candidate scored a knockout punch. But I don’t know about that. I mean, after about 10 minutes, I was out like a light.

And McCain criticized Barack Obama for saying he would invade Pakistan to go after bin Laden. McCain said he would never telegraph his punches. Well, telegraph, maybe, e-mail, no.

And Obama says there is nothing to the accusations of a friendship with ’60s radical Bill Ayers. He says Ayers is a person he knew early in his career but now plays no role in his campaign. You know, kind of like the Clintons.

And in describing her beautiful Alaskan home, Sarah Palin said that when she stands on her porch, she can see the moon. You know what that means? She is now qualified to be an astronaut.

Hey, how many are worried about Iran’s nuclear enrichment program? How many are worried about that? How many more worried about our C.E.O. enrichment program?

Remember last week after Congress grilled those A.I.G. executives after taking our $85 billion in bailout money and spending a half million of it at that fancy resort? Well, this week, they asked for and got another $37.5 billion. And earlier this week, they announced they’re going on another retreat, this time with golf and massages at the Ritz-Carlton Hotel at Half Moon Bay here in California. You know, instead of a bailout, how about locking these guys up with no bail? Wouldn’t that be better?

Let me ask you something. Didn’t we buy this company? Don’t we own it now? Huh? Why don’t we all show up at the Ritz-Carlton next week? “Hey, where’s our massage?”

I’ll tell you, the economy is not looking good. Not looking good at all. I tell ya, I went to the bank to ask for a loan, the guy said, “We were just going to ask you the same thing.”

The economy is so bad, today I saw Bill Maher praying.

The economy is so bad now, pigs can no longer afford lipstick.

But there is some good news. The price of oil has dropped from $145 a barrel to just $85 a barrel. The price has dropped almost in half. But don’t worry, the oil companies will pass these savings on to you just as soon as hell freezes over.

And Google has now developed a new feature on Gmail that would force users to take an online sobriety test in order to send an e-mail. It’s supposed to prevent people from e-mailing drunk or sending something you would later regret. So, to log on, to you have answer five simple math questions. And if you can’t do it, you’re either drunk or you went to public school.

And “W” hits the theaters Oct. 17. This is the movie about the Bush Administration. You know, the stock market’s collapsed, houses are being foreclosed on, unemployment at an all time high. They should wait until Halloween and release it as a horror movie.

According to the National Enquirer, Britney Spears’ younger sister Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant again. But, the good news is, Sarah Palin has named her an honorary Alaskan.

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The Barack Obama/John McCain Crank-Call Generator:



http://www.slate.com/id/2202493/?GT1=38001

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Some one-liners from NYT readers:

The Republican National Committee admits buying McCain’s suit at Burlington Coat Factory for $119.95. The Democratic committee says no way they’re paying for Obama’s Armani.

Colin Powell, Barry Goldwater’s granddaughter and Scotty McClellan all endorse Obama — it’s the McCain Mutiny.

John McCain, going into overdrive, introduces the Village People: Craig the Fireman, Chris the Carpenter, Maurice the Hard Hat, Francis the Cop, and Harry the Indian. – Michael Feldman

The election is one week away. Sarah Palin will donate her $150,000 wardrobe to a social service that helps unwed mothers. And Bristol says “thanks.”

Halloween is Friday. It’s where you put on fake hair and go door to door. Or, as Joe Biden would call it, “Friday.” – Alan Ray, Stockton, Calif.

Still can’t figure out who these undecideds are or what they’re waiting for: McCain to get younger or Obama to get whiter? – Will Durst

There is no truth to the rumor that Alan Greenspan has been ordered to change his name to Alan Redspan. – Charles Almon

Sarah Palin has the sweetest environmental policy. A vote for her is a vote for a baked Alaska. – Tulla Brendingulo

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[Inquartata]

I hae no idea how to post the actual cartoon, but I liked this one:


http://blog.nola.com/stevekelley/200...ober_2008.html

[jeff]

http://xkcd.com/500/