The Wierdness of English

[lochinvar]

This is a bit of crazyness that I found in my inbox. I don't know where it originated, but I thought I'd share it with you all.
(I don't know if any of this originated with George Carlin, but some definitely sound like him!)

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) It was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) The oarsmen were having a row about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
- There is no egg in eggplant.
- There is no ham in hamburger.
- There are neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
- English muffins weren't invented in England.
- French fries weren’t invented in France.
- Sweetmeats are candies, but sweetbreads (which aren't sweet) are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that:
- quicksand can work slowly,
- boxing rings are square,
- a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but:
- fingers don't fing,
- grocers don't groce,
- hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
If the plural of mouse is mice, why isn’t the plural of house hice? One goose, 2 geese, so shouldn’t it be one moose, 2 meese?
One index, 2 indices? What’s with that?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can:
- make amends but not one amend,
- wear pants but not one pant?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same?
How is a wise man different from a wise guy?
Why is worthless the opposite of priceless?
Why do we say something is ‘out of whack’? What's a whack, anyway?
Why do ‘flammable’ and ‘inflammable’ mean the same thing, but ‘soluble’ and ‘insoluble’ mean opposite things?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people:
- Recite at a play and play at a recital?
- Ship by truck?
- Have noses that run and feet that smell?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which:
- your house can burn up as it burns down,
- you fill in a form by filling it out,
- an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race--which, of course, is not a race at all.

So that’s why:
- when the stars are out they are visible, but
- when the lights are out they are invisible.

One final puzzler:
Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

[ 02-07-2002: Message edited by: lochinvar ]</p>

[its_me_mango]

this was great! i really like it, especially about the hockey-pokey, and now i wonder, is that how hockey-puke's evolved.

[Iwant2bafencer]

lol good stuff Loch!! <img src="graemlins/jester.gif" border="0" alt="[Jester]" />

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Carpe Diem

[Munqi]

If Flies Fly, Oranges are Orange and Cars carry, why isn't water wet?

[Fencing Angel]

hmm.. good question.. and i am glad to see that i'm not the only one who thinks that the english lanuage is TOTALY Frinked up...

oh well..

[RachKnight]

Very funny, glad I learned english as a first language. <img src="graemlins/dunce.gif" border="0" alt="[Dunce]" />

[Iwant2bafencer]

lol yea, but the funny thing is that most people from other countries pronounce our words better then we do. For instance here in Utah it's not mounTain it's mounin. We don't pronounce our T's. Not to mention the fact that we can understand some foreigners better then we can understand our friends at school. hehe I just though that was funny.
Oh! Welcome aboard Knight!

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Carpe Diem

[Munqi]

In case you're wondering, it was a trick question... Water IS wet.

[Rayen]

Thanks for that tid-bit of info, Munqi.

[its_me_mango]

i found the same message in my mailbox too, we must have some friends in commmon, i almost posted them, i thought they were good too. thanks.