Dear Fencergrl

[Fencergrl]

There seems to be a lot of people around here looking for advice. So in the flavour of "Dear Abby" (alright perhaps a lustier, less appropriate version). I am starting an advice column on F-net until this either is of no interest to anyone or I get bored.

Here are some examples of some of the fine advice you can expect:

I got my taxes done, and I'm expecting a decent return this year. Should I blow it on the name change first, or the motorcycle?

Dear Bikerboy, Why don't you change your name to "Harley Davidson"? Just think of what a great pick-up line it would be! "Hi there. Every rode a Harley?" You'll be so busy giving "rides" you wouldn't miss not having a motorcycle.

Okay this person wasn't asking for advice...

When did this become the "Let's s*** on men" thread?

But it didn't stop me from giving advice anyway!

Dear Nervous.
At times like this, it is always wise to have chocolate in your pockets (should a thread turn ugly). Just toss a few chocolates into the thread and run to the next one, soon things will calm down shortly and it would be safe to return once the women have calmed down a little (alternatively you'll have no idea what they're saying with their mouths stuffed with chocolate and you can make up conversations in your head).

[Got_Fenced_In]

Bu--wha--I mean--uh--you shouldn't--I already--


I GIVE BETTER ADVICE =*( Harley Davidson isn't as good as... I have an even better one, heh heh... Uh, nevermind.

[Fencergrl]

Dear Got-Tongue-Tied

The trick to dealing with getting tongue tied on the Internet is to not have a keyboard in your hands. So follow these instructions very carefully.
1) Go to the Start button.
2) Choose Log-off
3) If it asks you "Are you sure?" Select Ok or Yes

[Beloit Fencer of Old]

Dear Fencergrl,

Sometimes I just don't care. Other times I do. Can you help me? Specifically, I really like chocolate chip cookies. But not the ones which come out of a box. No. For me, only a sock which I don't have to pull up all day will do. And I have a really hard time drinking enough water.

Thanks! I'm really counting on you more than you could ever know!!!

Mad in Maine

[D'Art]

Dear FG,

An, erm, acquaintance of mine has recently been involved in a relationship which I, erm, they shouldn't have been involved in. Now she wants to get back with me, him again. Another ex of my friend has gotten in touch also wanting to meet up again. Thoughts? And no threesomes - they know each other and don't get on.


C Lyffe-Sentre

[Fencergrl]

Originally Posted by Beloit Fencer of Old

Dear Fencergrl,
Sometimes I just don't care. <snip> blah, blah blah... just read it if you care
Mad in Maine

Dear Mad,

I can understand why you don't care. I got half-way through your letter and neither did I.

Eat cookies.... lots of them. Learn to talk with your mouth full that way no one will know what you are saying. The rest of us will assume you have something worthwhile to say... When we just make up witty intelligent conversations to your cookie muffled words... just nod your head.

Try not to get the cookies caught in your throat while doing this causing you to spew cookies.

[Beloit Fencer of Old]

Originally Posted by D'Art

And no threesomes

C Lyffe-Sentre

Wow...you just eliminated the first five or six ideas I would have come up with...

[Fencergrl]

Originally Posted by D'Art

Dear FG,

An, erm, acquaintance of mine has recently been involved in a relationship which I, erm, they shouldn't have been involved in. Now she wants to get back with me, him again. Another ex of my friend has gotten in touch also wanting to meet up again. Thoughts? And no threesomes - they know each other and don't get on.


C Lyffe-Sentre

Dear C,

You obviously need to discourage this chicky. I suggest that you tell her that your relationship with her was so traumatic that you have gone to the "other team." Tell her you couldn't help yourself as you find the smell of hot nuts drove you to distraction. This excuse is the hottest rage these days and she's sure to buy it!

[Fencergrl]

Originally Posted by Beloit Fencer of Old

Wow...you just eliminated the first five or six ideas I would have come up with...

That's why D'art goes to the professionals when he's in need.

[D'Art]

Originally Posted by Fencergrl

That's why D'art goes to the professionals when he's in need.

Oi! I've only done that once. And she assured me it was discreet.

[App13]

Dear Fencergrl,

I am having girl trouble (big suprise). There seems to be 3 choices:

Senior Girl aka SR (I'm freshmen btw).

Slutty but hot and fun girl(SBHG).

Or Awesome Guitar plying girl that will take a lot to get (AGPGTWTALTG).

How should I choose?

Sincerly,
Confused App

[Fencergrl]

Dear Confused,

I'll do my best to explain this in a language you'll understand... the rest of you just hum show tunes in your head.

Ap

U R y'ng & hv yrs B4 U

d8 all but be br'f, not git tI'd dn.

[Downtown]

Dear Fencergrl:

This girl I know temps me into reading her blog with suggestive titles.

Once my strength was that of ten for my heart was pure. Alas, now I am weak and putty in the hands of a devilish minx.

How can I regain the will to resist.


Downtown

[Fencergrl]

Dear Minx Bait,

You show remarkable taste, and I can't see how this is a problem.

None the less... I will part with my wisdom.

I suggest the best way to cure yourself is to fence. Stay away from Canadian pistes as the women there are even more tempting and suggestive than any blog title.

Yes... work up a good sweat fencing. Stop when you are distracted by the smell of hot nuts.... this should distract you from tempting blogs (you might even lose consciousness if you fence sabre). I also suggest at this point, have a shower (a cold one if you didn't take my advice about Canadian pistes).

[App13]

U R y'ng & hv yrs B4 U

d8 all but be br'f, not git tI'd dn

Huh?

[Fencergrl]

LOL.... I was attempting to use as many shortened words as I can, as you seem to have a love of acronyms.

Translated: You are young and have years before you. Date all but be brief and don't get tied down.

What I'm saying is you're at a time in your life where it doesn't matter a whole lot who you date. Everyone will give you a different experience and information about yourself that you can use later in life to make good dating decisions.

Even if it turns out disastrous, you'll learn from it. Just try and stay away from having to make decisions that will alter the course of your life, so don't be a dumb a$$.

[Shi no Tenshi]

Originally Posted by App13

U R y'ng & hv yrs B4 U

d8 all but be br'f, not git tI'd dn

Huh?

Sadly, I was able to decode that mess. Come on now, use that brain of yours! heh heh.

You are young and have years before you. Date them all but be (I say careful works better here) not to get tied down.

[Fencergrl]

Let this be a lesson to all of you! Old people should not attempt to use anything but full sentences with proper punctuation and grammar. Not only is it painful to do (for anyone over 40) but painful to read for everyone.

[matt9476]

Dear Fencergrl,

The f.net community, one girl in particular, has the idea that I am some sort of internet pimp. How can I shed this image, since nobody wants to believe that I am no such thing?

Misunderstood in Buffalo