Dear Fencergrl

[Fencergrl]

Originally Posted by Go? Fencing?

Dear Fencergrl, I have a lot of papers to write this week, but I'm really tired. Should I try to write them anyway, even though it's hard to focus when I'm so tired, or should I take a nap and hope I'll be able to focus when I wake up?

Love and kisses,
Go? Naptime?

Dear Go? Naptime?

Yes, you are feeling very sleepy... very sleepy. You need to relax in some nice hot water... here sit on that potato and relax while I add spices. Drool... squirrel stew..

[Fencergrl]

Originally Posted by Musicfencer

Dear fencergrl,
My back has been causing me tons of pain for almost a week, i think you should fix it

Muzak

Dear Musak,

Yoga is the best way to deal with back pain. Alternatively, I think you should work out more. You can start by cleaning my house. I'll expect you here by tomorrow morning 8 am sharp.

[Fencergrl]

Originally Posted by Nolano

Dear Fencergrl,

I'm fencing in the Leon Auriole Open next weekend, which is a huge, and fairly difficult tournament. How can I prepare to do my best?

Me

Dear Me,

It's really is all about me, so I suggest topless yardwork. You can start with my lawn, then move on to tree trimming, then ypu can tidy up my gardens. Fortunately Leon Auriole is a not too far away, but far enough to keep your competitors from spying on your special training.

[lindajdunn]

Dear Fencergrl,

As you are no doubt aware, those of us in the USA are engaged in our every-four-year sport of electing a new Fearless Leader. At the moment, one of the candidates is alleged to be hunting Moose and Squirrel near Frostbite Falls, which is (I believe) not that far from Canada. I have heard that she is a better shot than Dick Chenney (current VP who once shot an attorney -- out of season), but while I admire her markmanship, I am an ardent supporter of Jay Ward Productions (the creater of Rocky and Bullwinkle - a.k.a. Moose and Squirrel) and do not agree with Gov. Palin (Alaska)'s policies.

Gov. Palin has stated in an interview with CBS that she has foreign experience based on "trade missions" with Russia and Canada.

Have you ever traded with her?

And yet one more question: I'm a reformed Red Party member now trying to turn my red state blue by knocking on doors and calling people. Do you know of any good remedies for smashed fingers?

[Fencergrl]

Originally Posted by magic_moose

Dear FG,
Does this seem useful in the general context of the recent discussion?
Nature gives you the face you have at twenty. Life shapes the face you have at thirty. But at fifty you get the face you deserve. - Coco Chanel

I would be a fool to disagree, as my skin is still wrinkle-free and flawless as I near 50. And yes... I deserve this by eating well, taking care of myself, and cougaring on f-net.

[D'Art]

Dear FG,

How would a walrus theoretically go about losing some weight without sacrificing his erm, insulation?

Yours chubbily,
Ringo Starr-ved

[Fencergrl]

Originally Posted by lindajdunn

Have you ever traded with her?

And yet one more question: I'm a reformed Red Party member now trying to turn my red state blue by knocking on doors and calling people. Do you know of any good remedies for smashed fingers?

Smashed,

First off, I admire your former choice in politics. I think becoming more "red" and embracing communism would ensure less corporate greed. This would also help you become Southern Canadians, thus a good move towards normalizing the continent.

Although having a more "blue" America would also be interesting, as it currently seems rather sexually repressed and would benefit greatly by more nudity.

I must admit I admire any politician who keeps their marksmanship up for shooting lawyers (or vise-versa). However, I think you misheard "Trade Missions". She must have said "Raid Missions", as American politicians seem rather fond of our resources, and "trade" implies Canadians got something in return.

So whatever America chooses Red or Blue, I think they should remember to play nice with others.

[Fencergrl]

Originally Posted by D'Art

Dear FG,

How would a walrus theoretically go about losing some weight without sacrificing his erm, insulation?

Yours chubbily,
Ringo Starr-ved

Dear Ringo,

The key to having shade in the summer and warmth in the winter is a well padded female walrus.

[Musicfencer]

Dear fencergrl

i think you should givez me valium

muzak

[Fencergrl]

Originally Posted by Musicfencer

Dear fencergrl

i think you should givez me valium

muzak

Sorry, your spelling and lack of punctuation & capitals indicates you are already over-medicated. Off to re-hab for you!

[Musicfencer]

oh Dang



.

[Immelmann]

Dear Fencergrl,

I have become greatly disillusioned with my nation's election of a new Fearless Leader (name stolen from above post). I recall seeing in a local paper that during the Canadian Imperium's last election, a straw poll at a Canadian military base in Ontario between the 2 front-runners and "Stewie from Family Guy" ended with Stewie taking 90% of the vote. I feel very much in that same vein.

So, do you have any advice for another tired Red Party member? And switching to Blue Team isn't an option for 2 reasons: 1) the "vote-Blue Team-or-you're-a-retard-asshole" fanboys/fangirls on my college campus have pushed me within an inch of sanity, and 2) my role model in fencing is Sarge from Red vs. Blue, and as he would say, Blue is the color of evil.

Thanks fg.

Sincerely,
Monarchy for America in '08

[Fencergrl]

Dear Monarchy,

The truth is, it doesn't matter who you vote for because the bureaucrats run everything so nothing really changes. The thing to remember during the election process is to have fun. This fun-filled time comes only once every 3-4 years, so enjoy it.

Torment co-workers, friends, spouses, strangers by saying you're supporting the underdog. In Canada, the Marijuana, or Communist, Green Party (or even the Liberal Party these days) are good choices. Make it silly, but believable (with politics this usually isn't too hard).

Step One: Visit party website for obscure (even bizarre) information on selected party to help with the fun little debates that will follow.

Step Two: (this is easy) Get into a political debate on why your friend/ co-worker/ street beggar/ cashier should support your preferred party.

Step Three: Realize that this is fun and steal (or request) signs for your front lawn. Don't be afraid to put up signs from different obscure political parties.

Step Four: Realize where this great advice came from and shower Fencergrl with money or rep.

[Empty Wallet]

Dear FG

I was reviewing my weekly feed of news websites from around the world and found a story that was headlined "canadians hate Australians."

Indeed, the story seemed to say that they situation was so bad that at Whistler the locals have taken to having black bears eat unsuspecting Australian tourists (then in the great neighboring state of international relations -- Alaska is right next door -- shooting the bears).

I always thought that Australians were rather cite and inoffensive people, even if their little Mr Howard thought he was deputy sherif to W.

So, how did this situation come about? What can be done to improve the commonwealth relationships so important to the 2010 games?

Commonwealthian loyalist.

[Fencergrl]

Originally Posted by Empty Wallet

Dear FG

I was reviewing my weekly feed of news websites from around the world and found a story that was headlined "canadians hate Australians."

Indeed, the story seemed to say that they situation was so bad that at Whistler the locals have taken to having black bears eat unsuspecting Australian tourists (then in the great neighboring state of international relations -- Alaska is right next door -- shooting the bears).

I always thought that Australians were rather cite and inoffensive people, even if their little Mr Howard thought he was deputy sherif to W.

So, how did this situation come about? What can be done to improve the commonwealth relationships so important to the 2010 games?

Commonwealthian loyalist.

Dear fellow Commonwealthian,

Canadians get miffed when their Australian friends drink their last beer or tries to cook cook their short friends by "putting another shrimp on the barbie" other than that we like Aussies just fine as friends and lovers (as they know their way down under).

As for the bears... they have simple tastes. They like beer, fish and chocolate. That's why it's always good to take the Swiss fishing with you on hot summer days in BC. They'll happily drink your beer, gut your fish and be your bear bait. When someone Swiss isn't around, Aussie's are usually nicely marinated (after drinking your last beer) and do nicely as well.

So remember, when it comes to bears it's important that the people you are with are a more appealing meal than you are. Should you happen to be hungry... bears meat is very good made into bratwurst sausages and the chunk of meat between the should blades is a nice sized roast. Hmmm... cooked well with new potatoes and a little gravy, perhaps a tossed salad and homemade buns.... <drool>...oh excuse me I digress... where was I?

Yeah Aussies... they are loved by Canadians and it's a mere coincidence that they get eaten by bears who love their beer marinated bodies. It's Canadian karma at work, when you don't save the last beer for the person who bought it. You can't blame Karma can you? Besides... we're running out of Swiss fishing buddies out here and the beer guzzling Scots taste like haggis, and even the hungriest bears won't touch them.

[Immelmann]

Dear Fencrgrl,

Do not taunt the mighty haggis, as it and its legions (well, ok, dozens) of fans might hear you.

Sincerely,

Monarchy AND Haggis for America in '08

[Fencergrl]

Originally Posted by Immelmann

Dear Fencrgrl,

Do not taunt the mighty haggis, as it and its legions (well, ok, dozens) of fans might hear you.

Sincerely,

Monarchy AND Haggis for America in '08

Dear Haggis Fan,

If you look at my original post, I didn't taunt the mighty haggis. I would never do such a thing! Au contraire! I have the utmost respect for haggis, since a Scottish f-netter explained to me that the haggis are vicious creatures and only the bravest of Scots hunt them (so they can make their kilts out of them).

I was merely stating the preferred tastes of our local black bears. Perhaps folks who eat animals that have plaid fur taste funny to our bears. <shrug> All I know is the Swiss are their favourite followed by beer-stealing Aussies.

[D'Art]

Dear FG,
Do you think it's possible that the black bear is scared of the mighty haggis, and therefore won't risk turning on us jovial Jocks?

Signed,
Hairy Haggis ()

[Fencergrl]

Tis possible.... Or black bears have heard of the "Haggis Hurl" and don't want to lose it's lunch (as it may be one of those tasty chocolate filled Swiss or some nice clover).

Or perhaps is squeamish over plaid fur? I can imagine watching a plaid animal running in circles might make anyone feel a little queasy.