09-19-2001, 06:18 AM
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#1 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 1999 Location: Grand Rapids, MI, USA
Posts: 2,993
| Bad romance metaphors and similes...
Okay, in honor of the blossoming relationship that appears to be developing between Loch and Jo, I thought it appropriate to post this now.
I tried to send it to Dame, but evidently didn't have her e-mail right.
Enjoy!
Bad Romance Novel Metaphors or Similes
His body was hard -- not hard like Stalin, the Russian dictator, but hard like the marble on your shower floor, when you fall and bang your knee.
Her shoulders heaved like the tiny sobs of Snuggles the cat being run through with a roasting spit.
Her embrace made his manhood swell like week-old roadkill on hot asphalt in the Georgia sun.
Her petticoats dropped to the ground, rustling like a cockroach in a sugar bowl.
As she kissed her way down his manly chest, he felt his Amalgamated Crane Company stock increasing in value.
Beatrice was on him like a piranha on a corn dog.
...then he kissed her, like a butterfly kisses the windshield of a Porsche on the Autobahn.
Her breasts heaved like a stormy ocean, her pointed nipples the hypodermics washed up on the shore.
With his broad shoulders and slim waist, he looked like a yield sign -- yet she could NOT!
He tore open her blouse like a Publisher's Clearing House letter in which he, and some guy named Steven Bouber from Stockton, California, were potential finalists for the ten million dollar prize.
His manhood stood at full attention, stiff and stony like the vice president.
Sleekly malevolent, driven by a violent hunger, Donovan glided through the chum-filled waters of the singles bar, oblivious to the remora of Annabelle's adoring gaze.
With each breath, her chest heaved like a bulimic after Thanksgiving dinner.
He Beatty-ed her shamelessly, making her squeal like Ned and hallucinate like Warren.
His chest was her pillow, and oh, did she drool.
Claire felt swept away by this dark stranger, a helpless dust bunny in the roaring cacophony of his gas-powered leaf blower.
and The Number 1 Bad Romance Novel Metaphor or Simile...
His finger, weathered and rough from years on the ranch, danced in and out of his nose like a slimy ballerina.
[Ed. note: this list has been edited to maintain a PG rating.]
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09-19-2001, 07:07 AM
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#2 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 1999 Location: Australia - various
Posts: 2,756
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You may love me but you dont accept me. I dont want your love without your acceptance. | |
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09-19-2001, 07:24 AM
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#3 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 1999 Location: earth(sometimes)
Posts: 1,181
| Angel, get a jacket that fastens in the back please. "No, not a fencing jacket."
" then one that restrains the arms!"
"Now loch hold still."
arcon of arconia | |
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09-19-2001, 07:41 AM
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#4 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2000 Location: Michigan
Posts: 1,261
| My friends & I used to read (outloud) what we call "The Little Puppy Said" books: Bad romance novels. Why are they LPS? We were reading a particularly bad one at the beach one day, and a little boy kept walking by during the steamy parts. We couldn't let him know what was being read, so we said, "And the little puppy said..."
An example of BAD that fits the thread: "He sheathed his sword within her."
Of course, calling body parts anything other than what they are ('scuse me...we have no "orbs") is out!
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"Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind."
-- Rudyard Kipling
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09-19-2001, 07:46 AM
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#5 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 1999 Location: Grand Rapids, MI, USA
Posts: 2,993
| What??!! No orbs??!! 
I've always been partial to orbs...especially golden, rounded ones...
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Nothing is more frightening than ignorance in action. | |
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09-19-2001, 02:31 PM
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#6 | | Senior Member
Join Date: May 2001 Location: (near Chicago)IL, USA
Posts: 532
| I am so glad that didn't go through my email..That's horrible.
Loch I'll give you the addy again, but please, if you intend to assault me.........
Just kidding.
Dame 
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CAUTION: The heart is a fragile thing. Handle with care.
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09-19-2001, 07:05 PM
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#7 | | Senior Member
Join Date: May 2001
Posts: 698
| Holy crap, Lochinvar!! I couldn't quit laughing!! Those were HILARIOUS. I just hope you never get to use them on this forum...
Now, my pathetic contribution. I heard this from one of my nutsier friends today, in English, right out of the blue:
"A bad analogy is like an angry duck."
I don't know about anybody else, but there's just something inherently funny about an angry duck.
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It is the soldier, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of the press. It is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech. It is the soldier, not the campus organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate. It is the soldier who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protestor to burn the flag. - Father Dennis Edward O'Brien, USMC
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09-21-2001, 12:46 PM
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#8 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: North Bend, Washington, USA
Posts: 400
| i can only say one thing.. ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!
and thats all there is to say.... | |
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09-22-2001, 07:14 PM
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#9 | | Member
Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: In a far far land away called Oz
Posts: 71
| "Men and Womean Alone together do not think of saying the Our Father"
The Hunch Back Of Notre Damn Victor Hugo null 
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"Don Diego de la Vega: Do you know how to use that thing?
Alejandro Murrieta: Yes! The pointy end goes into the other man"
The Mask Of Zorro 1998
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09-22-2001, 07:16 PM
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#10 | | Member
Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: In a far far land away called Oz
Posts: 71
| sorryz about the null at the end of Victor Hugo's name it shouldn't be there 
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"Don Diego de la Vega: Do you know how to use that thing?
Alejandro Murrieta: Yes! The pointy end goes into the other man"
The Mask Of Zorro 1998
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10-06-2001, 05:54 PM
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#11 | | Member
Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: In a far far land away called Oz
Posts: 71
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"Don Diego de la Vega: Do you know how to use that thing?
Alejandro Murrieta: Yes! The pointy end goes into the other man"
The Mask Of Zorro 1998
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10-06-2001, 05:55 PM
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#12 | | Member
Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: In a far far land away called Oz
Posts: 71
| "A women is like a beer"
Homer Simpson
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"Don Diego de la Vega: Do you know how to use that thing?
Alejandro Murrieta: Yes! The pointy end goes into the other man"
The Mask Of Zorro 1998
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10-11-2001, 07:53 PM
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#13 | | Member
Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: In a far far land away called Oz
Posts: 71
| " She travels well in all weather"
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"Don Diego de la Vega: Do you know how to use that thing?
Alejandro Murrieta: Yes! The pointy end goes into the other man"
The Mask Of Zorro 1998
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10-11-2001, 07:55 PM
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#14 | | Member
Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: In a far far land away called Oz
Posts: 71
| that was off and episode of Burk's Backyard and how some yobbo got married
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"Don Diego de la Vega: Do you know how to use that thing?
Alejandro Murrieta: Yes! The pointy end goes into the other man"
The Mask Of Zorro 1998
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10-12-2001, 07:27 PM
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#15 | | Member
Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: In a far far land away called Oz
Posts: 71
| in the words of Rove
What the????????????
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"Don Diego de la Vega: Do you know how to use that thing?
Alejandro Murrieta: Yes! The pointy end goes into the other man"
The Mask Of Zorro 1998
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10-12-2001, 07:28 PM
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#16 | | Member
Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: In a far far land away called Oz
Posts: 71
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__________________
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"Don Diego de la Vega: Do you know how to use that thing?
Alejandro Murrieta: Yes! The pointy end goes into the other man"
The Mask Of Zorro 1998
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10-12-2001, 07:30 PM
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#17 | | Member
Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: In a far far land away called Oz
Posts: 71
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__________________
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"Don Diego de la Vega: Do you know how to use that thing?
Alejandro Murrieta: Yes! The pointy end goes into the other man"
The Mask Of Zorro 1998
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10-12-2001, 07:32 PM
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#18 | | Member
Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: In a far far land away called Oz
Posts: 71
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__________________
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"Don Diego de la Vega: Do you know how to use that thing?
Alejandro Murrieta: Yes! The pointy end goes into the other man"
The Mask Of Zorro 1998
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10-12-2001, 07:36 PM
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#19 | | Member
Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: In a far far land away called Oz
Posts: 71
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__________________
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"Don Diego de la Vega: Do you know how to use that thing?
Alejandro Murrieta: Yes! The pointy end goes into the other man"
The Mask Of Zorro 1998
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10-12-2001, 07:38 PM
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#20 | | Member
Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: In a far far land away called Oz
Posts: 71
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__________________
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"Don Diego de la Vega: Do you know how to use that thing?
Alejandro Murrieta: Yes! The pointy end goes into the other man"
The Mask Of Zorro 1998
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