New Story

[Westley]

Alright. I want to know what you think. Listen- I know the majority of you aren't really going to get it, or like it or anything- but I want to hear from you whether you like it or not- and I know what I wrote and what it means so if you don't like it that's alright. It's up to you. First thing I ever wrote for the stage. If anyone steals this, I will find them, and kill them. I'm not joking. No seriously, I will stab you to death. I have to do it in two posts. It's a one act play.

Priorities
(The stage is bare except for a tree stage right and a bench stage left, in front of a giant backdrop of a small town. A young man walks in from stage left, talking on his cell phone. He comes to a stop stage left. )

Mike
Dude, you're not gonna believe what happened to me last night. I was out with Alex and David again, you know, same old crew. Yeah, they're the same guys that stole that mailbox and got into a high speed pursuit. We have a knack for getting into weird ass situations. Anyway, last night they asked me if I was down to barge. (Pause.) It means like, to go on a fat hike or drive or something. Ojai talk. Anyway, they ask me if I'm down to barge, and they won't tell me where, until finally Alex turns to me and says, "If you ever once had to trust me, now's the time." How could I refuse that? I mean, what was I supposed to do? I went with him. Pretty soon we're in these great big ****ing stone aqueducts, you know, to channel floods, and we're looking at a pitch black tunnel. I mean, we had flashlights and all, but still.
Those tunnels are the loneliest place in the world. Even when you're with other people. It separates you into another world. Everything you say comes back to you as an echo like fifteen seconds later, like the cold and the dark and the bats and the resounding silence scared them off and sent them running back to you. For protection. (Pause.) Thanks. I try.

There's all these taggings in there. On the walls. Some good ones, some bad ones. We added to the list of bad ones. They had one of that doctor on TV, the real stern one that's like Sherlock Holmes. Yeah, that's his name. It's him, and underneath it says, "It's Lupus." I thought that was so ****ing funny.

I was high. Shut up.

Anyway, we play with the echoes some- David found a golf ball and tossed it down the tunnel and you could listen to it bounce for ages. It immediately goes farther than you can see and there's no real way to tell it stopped with the echoes and all, but, damn, you should have heard the bats. They live up in the manholes but they come flying down at night too. That ball sent them screeching into madness. The sound- it was like almost frigging demonic. We snapped some bowls, down in the tunnels, and that just made it seem more sinister- those bats. ****. I was sure any moment that hordes of them would fly down from those manholes and just ****ing mob us. Bats- I don’t know. Bats scare me. Do they- do they have the concept of individualism at all? Are they just pack animals? One great big collective consciousness? Are they happy like that? It’s like the ****ing Borg. Is it really that bad? Just to relinquish all that troubling idealism and individuality and just be one with the pack? Sorry. That’s what happens when you read too much philosophy.

So finally we get the hell out of there. I've got a sweatshirt over a jacket- yes this story has a point, hold on.

So we're bored as ****, but we're still awake, still in barge mode. So I suggest we do a B&E. It means breaking and entering. (Pause.) I don't know. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I know.

We found a house we could enter from the back. The place was pretty rundown- it sure as **** wasn't the Ritz, but it was easy to get into. The door wasn't locked or nothing. It was, however squeaky. I hate squeaky doors cause I never know whether to open them really fast and have one quick loud squeak, or open them real slow and prolong it. I don't know. Shut up.

So we're in this rathole of a kitchen, leaky faucets, chipped mugs with whiskey still in them, and I'm thinking, it's not even worth it to steal from this guy. I mean, I'll probably get ****ing stabbed by some guy named Bubba. But I see a dank zippo lighter and I grab it.

And that's when I feel it. Moving across my back. I can't scream. I mean, I want to, but I don't to meet Bubba who's still sleeping, hopefully, in the next room. I ****ing swing my hand back there to see what it is, and my hand lands in the center of my back. I hear a squeak and a snap and I friggin flip out. I barge into the table getting my sweatshirt and my jacket off and a ****ing bat falls on the floor. I swear to god. That thing landed on me back in the tunnels, crawled up my back, and chilled between the layers of my jacket and the sweatshirt the whole time. So I sure as hell just woke the whole ****ing house, so Alex and David bone out through the door just as this woman about forty comes in and starts freaking out and yelling at me. I didn't even think about it- I just did it. I picked up the bat and tossed it at her. It landed in her open mouth. I swear to god. Six inch dead fruit bat landed perfectly in her mouth. I **** you not. It was perfect. I turned tail and bolted. I don't know what she did- but I'm pretty sure I'd have projectile puked instantly. How should I know? Listen, wait, let me talk. (Sighs.)

(A business woman walks in, from stage right to center stage. She gives a quick glance to Mike, signifying that they are indeed in the same plane of existence.)

[Westley]

Woman
I can't believe it, Marcia. I found a place here where there isn't someone who wants to ***** at me about something. Or congratulate me. Or have their own special two cents for me. Nothing but some skater kid. God, I can't even go home or I'll have to talk to him. I just can’t do it, Marcia. I wish- Why do we collect all these bull**** people Marcia? Where do they all come from? There's about three people I can be real with and all the rest- I don't know. I hate small towns. It's not community, it's suffocation.

Mike
I surround myself with those people because those people are there for me. They have my back. They are more than a voice on a phone.

Woman
Listen, that ticket doesn't change anything. He cheated on me, Marcia. He hasn't been there for me. When my Mom died, I couldn't find him anywhere. I couldn't call him or anything. It's because he was with her, Marcia.

Mike
I know you can't come out here, but if you're not here for me you can't tell me who I should or should not be friends with!

Woman
People act like since I won the lottery I should take him back. Forgive him. Just because something great happened to me does not wipe the slate clean. He doesn't want me. He wants the money. Don’t defend him, Marcia.

Mike
You're the best friend I've ever had. Really. I mean it. I was high in those tunnels and I realized that I didn’t want to be lonely anymore. I’m ****ing tired of it.

Woman
I know, but with another man at least there's the possibility he likes me for me. I know Pat's just after the money. Can you believe that rat bastard told me straight out that if I tried a divorce he'd try to grab hold of every goddamn penny? Where does that put me? How could he possibly still care about me and say something like that to my face?

Mike
Would it work well without the distance? If we saw each other every day, would we get tired of each other? You and me?

Woman
Why are you defending this man? I love Pat with all my heart. I always have. Still do. I've made love to only one man my whole life. How many wives can say that? If anybody wants the two of us to work, it’s me. It just won’t.

(A man in a business suit walks in stage right and stands stage right.)

Lawyer
Pat, what's going on? We have a meeting tomorrow. Stop crying, Pat. It's not going to help the situation. Damnitt, I'm a lawyer, not a shrink. Wait, what? Say that again. What was it you didn't tell me before?

Mike
Do you realize that my one real friend, the one person I don't have to bull**** or try to be cool around, or impress, that one person is somebody I can only talk to about once or twice a week, if I'm lucky.

Lawyer
Calm down, Pat. You're what now? You're- what? You're kidding. Are you- Are you sure?

Woman
Just lately he seemed to stop caring about my… needs. Like he's replaced me. That was the first sign. When I confronted him- he just, admitted it. He just admitted that he was seeing someone else.


Lawyer
Gay? Bi? Well, if you're bi, just stay with her. Why ruin what you already have?

Mike
I realize how gay this sounds but I need you, man. I need you here beside me. Because right now all I'm surrounded with are these echoes. Nobody has any real substance. **** even my dad, dude. He just wants me to leave him alone so he can bring guys over to the house without feeling too guilty about it. I ****ing heard it the other day. Do you have any ****ing idea how traumatic it is to hear your dad boning some guy?

Woman
I really do love him. I really do care about him.

Lawyer
But if she really loves you that much then why-?

Mike
I love you man. I mean, in a completely heterosexual way, of course.

Lawyer
And she wants to break up anyway? (Pause.) Did you tell her that? Does she know? She might not care so much if she knew the whole situation. Another guy might be better than another girl. She might understand what you’re going through. Goddamnitt man, pull yourself together. I can barely understand you.

Woman
How can I believe anything he says anymore? He doesn't even- he doesn't even make love to me anymore. And when he does, it's not like before. The funny thing is, now I look back and I'm not sure that passion was ever really there. Like it was always a façade and it's finally come down. He says he loves me, and maybe he really does, but… there's no romance. And now I’m not sure there ever was.

Lawyer
What is it you want exactly, Pat? What do you want me to do for you? What do you want? Her, or the money?

Mike
That's why I love weed. I feel like- like I'm somehow plugged into some- some neural net. Some connection we all share. I feel like a normal person. Part of the crowd. One with the rest of humanity. Like one of those bats maybe. But you can think about things that normally would give you ulcers, like where you want to go in life- what you want to do, without that suffocating fear that it's all for naught, that you'll just get whisked away into oblivion. That you’ll be nothing. That you’ll be nobody. You can just chill and think about the future. You may be somewhat blinded, but, sometimes, I don’t know. Sometimes you need to be blind to block the bad stuff out. It’s the only way you can get your priorities straight.

Lawyer
After all that, after everything, you still want her back? Over him? Even though she doesn't want you back? You could get a lot of money through that divorce.

Woman
Am I just crazy? Am I blowing this all out of proportion? I just won enough money to buy a small country. What right do I have to be unhappy?

Mike
That's the whole trick to life. Knowing your priorities. Knowing what you want and then having the guts to go get it.

Woman
That’s easier than it sounds. Soul searching's a *****.

Lawyer
Of course you should care about the money! I don't mean to sound heartless, Pat, but come on, either way the situation is a whole lot better if you have that cash.

Woman
Oh my god. I was just complaining about myself this whole time, I’m about to cash the winning lottery ticket, and you've just been robbed? Why didn't you tell me?

Lawyer
No matter what happens to you, there are upsides everywhere. Someone you love, someone you lust, and either way you'll probably get some of that cash. But you have to play your cards right. (Pause) What do you mean? If you get a divorce, try and get the money! Are you crazy? Even if you only get ten percent of that, it’ll be enough.

Mike
I know. Without knowing your own priorities, you end up-

Woman
Assaulted with a bat? As in flap flap? In your mouth! Oh my God, Marcia. I'm so sorry!

Mike
Dude, did you hear that? Holy crap. You should have heard what this woman just said. I think she's talking to, you know, that woman.

(A man who looks homeless stumbles in drunk from stage right. He looks around for a few seconds. He looks at the teenager, Mike, pulls out a knife, looks back at Mike, and walks over to the woman. He puts the knife to her throat. His voice is hoarse and he yells everything too loudly, like a drunkard.)

Hobo
Shut up *****! All three of you listen up. Drop everything- everything you have into a big pile. Big pile on the floor! Everything but your underwear. Wallets, keys, clothes, phones, everything. Now!

(They comply. The hobo grabs everything and lumbers quickly off stage left. All three stand there half-naked, shivering, and embarrassed, looking at each other. They each go back the way they came. The hobo, now in a completely different outfit, a nice one, and walking in a completely different way, confident, sober, and smart, walks to center stage. He flips open his phone. His voice is clean and crisp, his pronunciation excellent. He holds the winning lottery ticket in his hand.)

Hobo
Pat. I'm leaving you. All this drama with your wife- I just don't need it. Goodbye, Pat.

He hangs up. Lights go down.

[SFfencer]

*Applause*
Bravo Bravo!
Encore Encore!
*whistles*




It was a little hard to follow the connections between the people.

[Westley]

I know- it's all very subtle, which also means it's hard to follow. But does that mean I should dumb it down? I mean, I know I'm not Faulkner, but what if he had reduced "The Sound and the Fury" to a level the average person could understand?

[Westley]

But honestly, do you think it could work as a one act or would it just leave the audience confused for the brief 8-10 minutes of it's performance. (If we're lucky.)

[SFfencer]

are you calling me average?

ok, I've read it through again.
and I think my problem was that I didn't know the characters that well,
and having read through it again, I was better able to follow the story.
looking back, for the first time watcher/listener I think it might work.

[Inquartata]

Dude...I find being made to listen to someone else's cell phone call one of the most annoying experiences imaginable. And you want to make a play out of it!

OK, half of a play. But still!

[Westley]

Hah! Didn't think of it that way.