The 516,649 post thread

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conan o'brien sucks!

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jay leno sucks!

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craig ferguson sucks!

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david letterman sucks!

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jimmy kimmel sucks!

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extra post

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warts

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grindhouse

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that was stupid!

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bond, james bond

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A blonde is like a pooltable, put a dollar in and she'll rack your balls.

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A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew. The brunette's word was quizzical. The redhead's word was photosynthesis. The blonde's word was dick.

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My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.

Then she told me to take off her skirt. Then she told me never to wear her clothes again.

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A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''

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25 Fun Pool Activities

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.
2) Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people kind of almost drown today.
3) Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.
4) Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.
5) Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.
6) Hit strangers with your flutter board.
7) Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.
8) Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, ''Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good....''
9) Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.
10) Swim near someone and go ''Shoot! I knew I shouldn't have had so much lemonade before I came here.''
11) Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.
12) Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say ''HA-HA, fooled you!''
13) Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board.
14) Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.
15) Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.
16) Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.
17) Try to negotiate the price of getting in.
18) Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.
19) When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.
20) Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say ''Wheee! I'm Batman!'' while running around.
21) Hit strangers with your wet towel.
22) Throw people's things into the pool.
23) Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale.
24) Play Marco-Polo by yourself.
25) Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

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A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, ''I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?''
''Why sure,'' said the manager, ''we have something that works especially well for that.''

A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice. ''No, no! A little to the left,'' said the other blonde inside the car.

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There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”

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Things Found Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

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Things Dubya Shouldn't Say

1. My fellow Americans, I have taken much into consideration and realized that I really DO look like a furry woodland creature!
2. My fellow Americans, prepare to die. I accidentally sent my wife's birthday gift to bin Laden instead of a bomb. When he receives the negligee I'm afraid he won't be happy. Unfortunately, my wife will receive the bomb. At least ONE good thing will come of this!

3. My fellow Americans, I have decided to skip the state of the union and instead air a program I have long loved and admired, which I still watch to this day... ready? Here it goes!.. "I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME, WE'RE A HAPPY FAMILY, WITH A..."

4. My fellow Americans, I have just learned of an extraordinary thing! There is a HOLE in the ozone layer! Now we can see the stars even better!

5. Doo a diddy, diddy dum diddy doo!

6. My fellow Americans, I have been deceiving you. I must tell you this now: I know you all voted for me because I am my father's son. Well, he's not my father. You have elected the son of the mailman!

7. My fellow Americans, I must apologize. I had no idea that Dick Cheney is my Vice President! I thought that I was running with a pro wrestler. Please forgive me for my mistake. What? What do you mean, how could I have possibly done such a thing? Simple. I don't really memorize all the names of those less than unimportant senators that no one cares about. I make up nicknames for them like Obblebobble and Notafornee and then laugh about it in my little corners when they're talking about laws and junk.

8. My fellow Americans, I forgot... what was thing with slavery again?

9. My fellow Americans, I have decided to go and finish school and get my high school diploma. Starting Monday I am enrolling in the class I never finished - Miss Munerlich's kindergarten!

10. My fellow Americans, I have decided to go on a family vacation to - Afghanistan! I hear people get stoned there, and unfortunately that is illegal here in our great country that is run by me. I haven't gotten stoned in a long time, not since my visit to the Colombian drug lord Elrico Machimachez, who happens to supply me with mucho goods... What? They THROW stones at people? ...Ah, change of plans! Honey, children, you're going to Afghanistan without me, I have to... uh... write a bill for the allowance of marijuana in America! Ta ta!

[tehcow]

The definition of this thread = suckage. I refuse to post in here after this post. I'm a man of principles dammit.