The 516,649 post thread

[Westley]

A Canadian walks into a bar and ordered a beer. The bartender replied, "Sorry, we don't serve Canadians in this bar."

"But I'm really thirsty," the Canadian replied. "I'll do anything for a beer!"

"Okay," says the bartender,"if you can do three things, I'll get you a beer."

"First," says the bartender,"do you see that big guy standing by the door? 6'5", 275 pound ex-NFL linebacker who got thrown out of the league for being too mean and nasty? You gotta knock him out cold and drag him out of the bar. That's number one."

"Number two. Back in the kitchen we got this Doberman Pinscher. He's mean, he's nasty, he's vicious, he's hungry, and he's got a bad tooth. You gotta remove his bad tooth. That's number two."

"Number three. Upstairs we got a 70-year-old, 300 pound hooker. You gotta screw her until she climaxes three times. That's number three."

"I'll do it!" screams the Canadian. "What's first?"

"First is the big guy by the door."

The Canadian leaps to his feet and runs headfirst into the huge man. The two of them are rolling on the floor with fists and blood flying everywhere. Finally, the Canadian smashes a chair over his head and drags him from the bar.

Panting and bleeding, he askes the bartender, "Okay, what's next?"

"Number two is the dog in the kitchen."

The Canadian runs into the kitchen. The bartender hears barking, yelling, snarling, screaming, and jaws snapping, followed by a long, painful howling that obviously came from the dog.

The Canadian runs out of the bar, his clothes all ripped and filthy, and says to the bartender, "Okay, where's the old lady with the bad tooth?"

[Westley]

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.

One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that **** in here," the priest says!

[Westley]

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have sex with him. No men either, one would think. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.

Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog.

Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog.

Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"

Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?"

Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you? No. No. NO!"

[Westley]

Three men died and found themselves standing in line at the pearly gates. One was gay, another Italian, the other was Jewish.

At the gates of Heaven, these three were told that they had led a sinful life and each would be granted one last chance to redeem himself to get into Heaven. But, they each had to make a sacrifice.

The gay man wasn't allowed to practice sodomy, the Jew wasn't allowed to pick any money up off the ground and the Italian wasn't allowed to have pizza. They only had to make this sacrifice for one day.

They were sent back down to Earth. They were walking along and the Italian said, "This is gonna be easy!" But then, right as he said that, they passed a pizza parlor and the Italian could smell the pizza.

"Oh, mama-mia! That smells good! One little bite couldn't hurt!" The Italian took a bite and disappeared.

At this point the Jew and gay man knew that they had to have willpower. So, they walked a little more when the Jew saw a dime rolling his way. He got a look of glee in his eye and said, "One little dime won't do anything!"

He bent over to pick up the dime and the gay man disappeared.

[Westley]

Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo, checking out the animals.

They come across the gorillas and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this.

They stand and watch him for half an hour.

One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch the gorilla's penis. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours nonstop. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.

Two days later his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"

"AM I HURT? AM I HURT!!", he shouts, "Wouldn't you be!? He hasn't called, he hasn't written ..."

[Westley]

One day there was a 14 year old girl in a nice short skirt. A boy about 16 walked up to her and said, "I bet you can’t climb that tree".
The girl replied, "Oh yes I can, watch".
The girl climbed up the tree and the boy looked up her skirt. When she came down he said, "I like your knickers".
The girl got upset and told her mum her mum said, "You silly girl you let him look up your skirt to see your knickers".
The next day the girl wore an even shorter skirt the boy said to her again, "I bet you can’t climb that tree", pointing to a taller one.
The girl climbed it and when she came down the boy never said nothing, he just looked very happy.
The girl told her mum again her mum said, "You silly girl you showed him your knickers again".
The girl replied, "No I tricked him this time, I didn’t wear any ".

[The Chaotic Wind]

Omg Like The Time I Went To Texas?!

[Westley]

A masked man walked into a sperm bank, pulled out a gun, and told the secretary that this was a stick up and to open the safe.

The secretary replied, "You idiot, this is a sperm bank, there's no money here!!"

The masked man insisted that if she did not open the safe he would shoot her on the spot. Reluctantly, she opened the safe and stood back. There in the open safe were two vials of sperm.

The robber pointed his gun at the two vials and ordered the secretary to drink them both or he would blow her head off.

When she had finished drinking the second vial the robber took off his mask. There stood her husband with a grin on his face!!

"See Doris", he said. "that didn't kill you, did it?!"

[Westley]

Originally Posted by The Chaotic Wind

Omg Like The Time I Went To Texas?!

WTF? There's a story there, and I want to hear it.

[Westley]

The hardships of an egg

You only get hard once
you only get laid once
you only get eaten once
and the only one who sits on your face is your mother

[The Chaotic Wind]

Texas is an inside joke with a couple of friends and I. Basically whenveer we deny something we bring up Texas.
Ex: "Dude you're gay!"
"No I'm not!"
"What about Texas"
"I thought it was a girl"
"BS, he had a beard."
"But you said you killed all the men!"
"I just wanted to prove you were gay."

Basically what happened was my friend Daz(nickname for [privacy reason) went to Teas one time, while we were there we got into a bar fight, and ended up setting it on fire. Drunks got mad so we had to kill them like normal human beings. The the police came, and well, we couldn't afford lawyers, so we killed them also. Eventually we had to kill all the male population, (we don't hit girls outside of fencing bouts) and in the end we fathered many bastards, had too much alchohol, burnt everything down and created a blackhole which we jumped into to avoid getting in trouble, were destroyed but left the memories with the much cooler parrelle universe versions of ourselves.

Aside from all those other things that i mentioned, almost everything happened in Texas. It got so bad that God came and restarted everything, and we were forced to tell everyone the black hole lie except without the being destroyed part... Well we didn't stick to it so we were obliterated, and shortly after God realized he needed us for some sort of balance in the space time cotinum/good and evil/whatever else balances exist and we were attached ot being dead so he absolved us and here we are now.

Thus, we have the phrase "just like Texas."

THE END

While i was there, many a young ladies clmbed trees without underwear, but fret not, they were older than 14.

[SFfencer]

Bush's Winning Campaign Slogans

1. I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show!

2. I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.

3. I'll finish what Bill started -- the interns.

4. Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?

5. Vote for the GOP, Not OPP.

6. I promise no sex scandal -- just look at me!

7. New penal plan: I won't use mine!

8. Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.

9. George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers.

10. Vote for Bush and against Common Sense.

[SFfencer]

Heard this on "The Late Late Show"

speaking as a divorce lawyer
"ladies and gentlemen of the jury
Suppose that without telling his wife
the man drives to the airport, flies to Philadelphia, drives a hour,
sees a bank, wants to rob it,
goes to a store and buys a gun, goes and robs the bank,
the robbery doesn't go well, he shoots a guard, the police come and arrest him, he's sent to court, convicted, and sentenced to 30 years.
Now, his wife wasn't in the car, didn't go on the plane, wasn't in the car, didn't see the bank, didn't buy the gun, didn't rob the bank, and didn't shoot the guard.
Does she serve 15 years? "

[SFfencer]

In the canadien wilderness,
three guys are hunting, and they come over some tracks on the ground, and they're excited because the season has been slow,
the first guy says, "they're deers tracks"
the second guy says "no, they're elk tracks"
the third guy says "no, they're moose tracks"


They all get run over by a train.



(no offence to any canadiens)

[SFfencer]

Favorite movies of all time:

[SFfencer]

lord of the rings (all three)

[SFfencer]

the third man