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the maple epee · 05-07-2007, 10:54 PM

For decades two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven and approached the statues.
"You've been such exemplary statues," the angel announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly could be heard a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll **** on it!"

The Chaotic Wind · 05-07-2007, 10:55 PM

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

the maple epee · 05-07-2007, 10:55 PM

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table.
The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

the maple epee · 05-07-2007, 10:58 PM

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

The Chaotic Wind · 05-07-2007, 10:59 PM

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

''I can't do that, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.''

''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''

''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.''

''Fine then, just walk this white line.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm drunk.''

ParryRiposte · 05-07-2007, 11:05 PM

I'm going to kill the next person who makes a yo momma joke. Do it. I dare you.

The Chaotic Wind · 05-07-2007, 11:06 PM

A lady with no arms or legs was crying on the beach one day and a man who was waking by asked why she was cying.
"I've never been hugged" she said.
The man felt sorry for her an gave her a hug.
She stopped crying the man left and a few minutes later she was crying again.
Another man walked by and asked why she was crying.
"I've never been kissed"
The man kissed her and went on his way.
A few minutes later she was crying again.
A third man walked by and asked the same question as the others.
"I've never been screwed" she said.
The man picked her up and threw her into the water shouting "YOU'RE SCREWED NOW B****"

ParryRiposte · 05-07-2007, 11:06 PM

And no more spamming, goddammit. That's what the joke thread's for. We need to look like we have some purpose here, 'else no one will read it.

The Chaotic Wind · 05-07-2007, 11:07 PM

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat, and a wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, “Business trip or vacation?”

The woman turns, smiles and says, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.”

The man swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she says. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really,” he says. “What myths are those?”

“Well,” she explains, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it’s men of Jewish decent.”

Suddenly, the women becomes very embarrassed and blushes. “I'm sorry,” she says, “I shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!”

“Tonto” the man says as he extends his hand. “Tonto Goldstein.”

The Chaotic Wind · 05-07-2007, 11:11 PM

YES MOMMY!!!!!
....purpose... why..i'm having an epihpany!

I was born.....

to do something great...

so great...

That the world would never forget me....

I MUST DO SOMETHING GREAT!!!! I MUST GET OFF MY LAZY BUTT AND DO SOMETHING!!!
...oh look the tv is doing something again....

ROSIE O DONALD MARATHON?!?!?!?!

NOO!!!
*blows up tv*