The 516,649 post thread

[Westley]

What's the difference between a black guy and a snow tire?

Snow tires don't sing when you put chains on them.

[Westley]

How can you tell if a redneck girl is a virgin?

She can run faster than her brothers.


How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the chin.

[Westley]

Q:Why can't women go skiing?
A:No snow between the kitchen and the bedroom.

[Westley]

How can you tell when an Italian car has a flat tire?

It goes "wop wop wop wop wop wop wop wop wop"

[Westley]

How many nuns does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don't know, I never asked. I just **** 'em.

[Westley]

What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire?
Drowns.

[Westley]

Q: What's the worst part about having sex with a 9-year-old?

A: Cleaning the blood off your clown suit.

[Westley]

q) How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?
a) Trying to read the waffle iron.

q) Why did God invent women?
a) Because sheep can't type.

q) What do you call the african-american chief of thoracic surgery at Johns Hopkins?
a) Nigger.

q) Why do Jews have such big noses?
a) Because air is free.

[Westley]

What's the difference between a priest and acne?

Acne waits until you're a teenager before it comes on your face.

[Westley]

What's the difference between a corvette and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a corvette in my garage.

[Westley]

Yesterday scientists suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a second look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were each given 8 pints of beer to be drank within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive well, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong......

[Westley]

...So the gerbil says to the other gerbil, "Let's go in the gay bar and get ****faced."

[Westley]

"How many Frenchmen does it take to hold Paris?"

"Nobody knows."

[Westley]

What's the difference between a porch monkey and a yard ape?

The length of the rope.

[Westley]

When does a black man turn into a nigger?

The moment he leaves the room.

[Westley]

Did you hear about the house the two lesbians built?

There were no studs; it was all tongue-and-groove.

[SFfencer]

thats just sick!

[Beloit Fencer of Old]

How the Bush Administration Changes a Light Bulb
How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed.
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed.
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb.
4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs.
5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb.
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished.
7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark.
8. One to viciously smear #7.
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along.
10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

[SFfencer]

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"

[The Chaotic Wind]

Fifteen reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs
are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another
..........dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
7. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
8. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
9. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
11. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
12. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it
.............without calling you a pervert.
13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get
mad. They just think it's interesting.
14. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.