The 516,649 post thread

[the maple epee]

Burning kitten corpse fight!

*Starts throwing burning kitten corpses*

[fences_like_a_lemur]

*shoots and kills Maple before he can throw a flaming cat*

[Rabid Monk]

*Reports this thread to the SPCA, goes on vacation with reward money.*

[the maple epee]

*Puts a dead kitten in Monk's drinks cooler on the beach*

[Rabid Monk]

"Oh waiter! There seems to be a problem with my drink."

[the maple epee]

Yes sir. I will attend to that right away sir...

[Westley]

I have the solution to revive this thread, get it going again:
Give me your best. The more tasteless the better, but it's all good. When we get bored, or run out, we change the thread. Get 'em from wherever you like. Copy and pasting saves time.

A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"

His father says, "No...how old?"

He says, "I'm eleven!"

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"

She says, "Come closer..."

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."

He says, "How could you tell?"

She says, "I heard you tell your father."

[Westley]

What did the black kid get for Christmas?


Your bike!

[Westley]

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.

He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "Well, you're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

[Westley]

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

[Westley]

Then there's the woman who goes to her gynecologist and complains of a pain in her aviaries. "Don't you mean ovaries?" the doc says. "No" she says, "aviaries". "We had better have a look" says doc. After a minute of peering, doc says "Yep, you're right, it certainly looks like there's been a cockatoo up there"

[Westley]

Three guys are sitting around at a bar and they get to talking about the good times and eventually get on the subject of the best day they each ever had.

The first guy says he was on the golf course and it was just magic... He killed the course every drive...beautiful and long. The putts were like the ball had eyes, and he finished nine under par, his greatest day.

The second guy said his was at the bowling alley, just last week. Every ball was picture perfect solid in the pocket, and just blasted the pins. A 300 game...his greatest ever day.

The third guy says he once found a woman tied to the railroad tracks. He unties her and carries her off into the woods. In the woods, he rips off his clothes and hers and has sex for over an hour, after that he rolled her over and went to it from the rear for another hour. Satisfied, he lays back in the woods and has a cigarette, the perfect finish to the perfect day.

The first two agree that the third guy's day was the best of the best, but they say to the third guy,

"With all that sex out in the woods for all that time, how come no blow job?"

"Ahhh, I never did find her head."

[Westley]

Slave jokes!

If you see a black man riding south on a horse, take the horse. It's probably yours.

If you see a black man riding north on a horse, take the black man. He's probably yours.

[Westley]

Q: How do you keep a dog from humping your leg?

A: Suck its dick.

[Westley]

Q: How do you stop a gang rape?
A: Throw in a basketball.

Q: How do you start a Jewish parade?
A: Roll a penny down the street.

Q: How do you confuse a Polock?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to piss in a corner

[Westley]

Q: How can you tell if your roommate's gay?

A: His dick tastes like ****.

[Westley]

Q: What's red and has seven dents in it?
A: Snow White's cherry

Q: What's green and smells like pork?
A: Kermit the Frog's finger

[Westley]

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

What did the black kid get for Christmas?

What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?

A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

My bike.

Leukemia.

[Westley]

Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver?

'cause she was a WOMAN!

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she was bad?

They re-arranged her bedroom.

[Westley]

How do you fit four gay guys on one bar stool?

Turn it over.