The 516,649 post thread

[Aussie_Fencer]

Hades smiles at PR, agitated as she hears Aussie's screams off into the distance. "I want you to steal his brainchild."

"What?!"

"I want you to capture Athena and bring her to me. You have seven moons to complete this task, or you and your friend shall be mine."

PR bows her head, seeing no way out of the situation. "Yes. I'll... I'll do it. You will see me back here on the seventh night with the goddess at my side."

"Good," says Hades. "Go." Hades dissolves and PR is left standing disoriented in Elysium. There is no possible way she could complete the task without help, so she decides to go back and find Aussie. Following the painful sounds, she comes to a heavy-set iron door along a tall wall. How to get around this? Simple, she thinks. This is Elysium. I am a heroine, and I am in Elysium. I can do whatever I want. She concentrates hard and walks up the wall, coming up just over the top. SHe scans a barren yard filled with torture instruments and sees Aussie, being flogged like all get-out. She fervently gestures and hopes to catch his glance without attracting the attention of the executioners.

AF was thrashing his head about, trying desperatley to take his mind of the pain.
"CRACK"
"ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" he yelled as the whip bit deeper into his flesh.
He looked up for the same unknown reason all humans do when they are losing hope and are in pain. And there she was. Her beautiful angelic face shinig out like a beacon of hope amongst the rusting steel of the wall. He mustered up the courage to smile and was immeadiatley whipped again.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHH, What is wrong with you peo......., AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH".
PR could barley stand to watch it any longer, rage pulsing through her dialated veins, she needed to make a decision, and she needed to make it fast.

[ParryRiposte]

PR, in her 6-inch heels, swings herself up over the wall and stomps towards the executioners, tapping one on the shoulder. He wheels around.

"What the hell are you doing in here?"

"I should ask the same of you." PR kicks him in the chest, catches his whip, and neatly flicks it around his neck, pulling it tighter as his face turns blue. He passes out. THe next executioner looks on in astonishment, frozen with fear. PR smiles at him and picks up a rusty spike and chucks it at him, piercing his eye in a most wonderful fashion. The compound seems to be empty.

"Aussie, ah, how are you?"

Looking at the steel bands from which he is suspended, he answers, "Never been better. I was dead in hell getting flogged by creepy masked men when a girl in tall shoes offed both of them, and now she is standing there laughing at me. I'm absolutely great. Top-hole."

"I suppose we should get out of here, pronto and all. Stay there," she says, laughing at her own joke.

"Okay!"

"Keep your voice down! You don't know how many more there could be!" PR rummages around until she finds an axe. She comes back to Aussie. "Hold still." Winding up impressively, she hefts the axe over her shoulder and cuts through the chains binding each limb. He falls to the ground, groaning. "I can't do anything about the bands, you're going to have to live with those for the time being. Can you walk?"

[Aussie_Fencer]

PR, in her 6-inch heels, swings herself up over the wall and stomps towards the executioners, tapping one on the shoulder. He wheels around.

"What the hell are you doing in here?"

"I should ask the same of you." PR kicks him in the chest, catches his whip, and neatly flicks it around his neck, pulling it tighter as his face turns blue. He passes out. THe next executioner looks on in astonishment, frozen with fear. PR smiles at him and picks up a rusty spike and chucks it at him, piercing his eye in a most wonderful fashion. The compound seems to be empty.

"Aussie, ah, how are you?"

Looking at the steel bands from which he is suspended, he answers, "Never been better. I was dead in hell getting flogged by creepy masked men when a girl in tall shoes offed both of them, and now she is standing there laughing at me. I'm absolutely great. Top-hole."

"I suppose we should get out of here, pronto and all. Stay there," she says, laughing at her own joke.

"Okay!"

"Keep your voice down! You don't know how many more there could be!" PR rummages around until she finds an axe. She comes back to Aussie. "Hold still." Winding up impressively, she hefts the axe over her shoulder and cuts through the chains binding each limb. He falls to the ground, groaning. "I can't do anything about the bands, you're going to have to live with those for the time being. Can you walk?"

"Yeah, I can walk" he says weakly.
A small grin falls on his face.
"what is it" says PR.
"what you did just then was so awesome, I am embaressed to say it but damn I have a hot friend. 6' heels and you were just beating the daylights out of them. Brilliant. Who ever gets you will be one lucky guy".
PR goes a tiny bit red, and then comes straight back.
"come on AF, we have to get out of here".
"How" says Af.
"I have an idea".

[ParryRiposte]

"Elysium, right? We can do anything." PR walks up the wall like it's the easiest thing on earth. "Try it!"

[Aussie_Fencer]

"Elysium, right? We can do anything." PR walks up the wall like it's the easiest thing on earth. "Try it!"

" My god, it actually works" says AF.
On the other side AF loks into PRs intense eyes shining vividly in the fire light. She looks back into his and for a minute they are silent.
"Come on weve got a short time to do this and kidnapping Athena wont be the easiest thing weve done."
they move quickly off into the brightness of the world. Escaped from Elisium and able to wha they will for 7 moons they set off to capture Athena.

[ParryRiposte]

Camped out to rest for the night, Aussie and PR lounge around in an abandoned shipping container with holes in the top, so the stars and nearly-full moon shines in. A fire would be out of the question on such a warm night.

"Where do you think she is?" thinks PR aloud.

"Who?"

"Athena. I've been racking my brains for the longest time, and I don't see where she might be."

"Mount Olympus. Elementary, my dear Watson," says Aussie.

"Okay. We're in the middle of nowhere, presumably somewhere in Nebraska, and we need to get to Greece. How do you suppose we accomplish that?" PR rolls over onto her side, facing Aussie.

[Westley]

Wes looks up to the skies.

"Hail Pegasus!"

The great winged horse rides down from the deep depths of the bright white heavens, landing gently before Wes.

"Good. Alright, Maple, I'm counting on you. If you don't make her fall in love with me, this is a suicide mission. Pan's going to make a distraction so you can fly up to Olympus without getting hit by a bolt. I'm going to go fly to Oprah's house. Remember, I need you."

Wes spurs the horse on and it gallops into the air, it's great elegant wings beating the cool air past it's majestic flanks. It's delicious, majestic flanks.

[Aussie_Fencer]

AF stares into her eyes. Brighter than they have ever been before, he sees for the first time, joy in her eyes.
"Were imortal we can do what we like" says AF.
PR laughs gently.
"oh yeah. In the morning we should try and get there."
"good plan" says AF.
" You should put your hair back more often, you have beautiful eyes".
PR smiles back at him, under the bright silvery light of the moon. As the temperature drops, they Move closer together to stay warm. Looking into her eyes AF feels an odd sensation in his heart, and as they look into each others eyes, his heart pounding...

[Westley]

Pegasus circles Oprah's house several times before spotting her, sunbathing, outside her pool.
"Alright, land by the pool, Peg."

"It's Pegasus! Not Peg. I ain't no ****ing girl," said the horse.

"What the hell? I didn't think you could talk."

"I can't. But that was REALLy good weed."

"Eh, fair enough."

The horse began it's descent down into the back yard of her sprawling mansion, when the automated heat seeking rocket launchers in the backyard caught the horse on their radar. Wes jumped off just as the rockets hit, blowing Pegasus into a wave of red blood that splashed over the entire compound, covering everyone, including Oprah/Athena.

Athena stood up in malevolent anger, her metal helm blazing under the bright sun. Wes dove behind a bush as she drew an arrow from her bow, and hundreds of chinese bodyguards poured out of the building.

"Ares, God of War, I bow before you! Bestow upon me the weapons of war! Make me your servant so that I may hurt your rival, Athena!"

Wes glowed with golden light before wearing a spartan's uniform, his chiseled abs exposed. A sword was sheathed at his side, and two berettas rested in his hands. Holsters for more guns covered his ripped torso.

"Time to get personal."

Wes leaps over the bush, both guns blazing, whole body in the air. He hits. Tosses both guns away, empty, as blood soaked baddies fell to the ground. Whips out uzis, hundreds more falling before his wrath, so fast and quick that he was unable to be hit. and then he was in the crowd, decimating their ranks with his sword, heads flying off their shoulders, blood raining down upon the battle as Wes cries his war cry and continues his attack, walking upon the falling bodies, no mercy for the fallen or the living, their cries of terror and pain music to his bloodthirsty ears. Finally, nothing was left but the bodies of the fallen.

Wes stands upon a grisly carpet ten bodies deep and stares deep into the goddesses eyes.

"I've come for the goat penis."

[ParryRiposte]

PR runs a hand through his hair, looking back at him. He is pretty good looking... she brings her face closer to his, feeling his breath... she closes her eyes...

WHOOOSH!

A bolt of light flashed across the sky. PR leaps up and runs out of the container. "Pegasus!" PR yells. "It's that bloody maple, on the way to Olympus. And I'll be damned if he's not trying to get Athena! Aussie we've got to leave! Now!"

[the maple epee]

*Maple is busy being completely baked with Eros*
Whoo!
Hey, Eros, buddy, y'know what would be great? If you made Oprah really violently horny. But not just fer anybody, no, it would be for that little guy down there... See? The one on the horse. Now that would be a bloody laugh, man. Oh man, you should totaly do it!

"Oh, dude, you're right! That would be totaly awesome!"

*Eros concentrates on Oprah. Suddenly there is a thunderclap*

"There. Now lets watch!"

[Westley]

Athena serenely gazes down at the young man.

"Rather impressive, I must admit. But there are hundreds more minions in the house, ready to attack on command, and even if you managed to defeat them all, you could not defeat me."

"I don't need to kill you. I don't even want to. Listen, girl. You're just too strung out. Why don't you sit back and smoke some Thunder-Kush with me? We can just chill out. All I want is the goat penis. I'm not asking for much."

"Thunder-kush?" She swallowed and looked Wes over again. Did he know? How could a god be so stupid in allowing a mortal to smoke that weed- marijuana laced with ambrosia.

"Listen, I don't have time. I have to deal with book clubs and agents and promos- Give me one reason I shouldn't turn you into a goat."

Wes scratched behind his ear. Come on Maple, come on! Do your magic. And then it hit. He saw it happen, and all of a sudden Athena's eyes changed- they became filled with lust.

"Oh, what was I thinking? Come here, handsome. Wait, no! Eros! You COCKSUCKING worthless trash! Oh, Westley, I love you so much, wait no, make it- oh god, yes! She ran over to him and began covering him with kisses, her hands sliding over his mostly exposed body and his tight red whatever it is covering his privates. Her tongue was long and red, piercing his lips as her hand caressed his shapely heiney....

****

20 minutes later. Athena and Wes lay naked on the patio baked in sweat, breathing hard, smoking cigarettes.

"Oh my gosh. That was amazing," whispered Athena into Wes's ear, her hand absently stroking his chest.

"Course it is baby. Now where's the penis?"

"No! If I tell you you'll leave forever."

"Aw, it'd never work out between us anyway, girl. You're just not my type."

"I can change, baby, I can change."

"Sorry, girl, I'm with another. You're gonna have to get over me. Now where's the penis?"

"Only if you promise I can have you whenever I want."

"Alright. It's a deal. But not during Red Sox games or when talking to CF."

"Alright." She snapped her fingers and held an enormous penis in her hands.

"Here it is. It's not nearly as big as..." Wes draws his head back. Hadn't thought about how to take it.

"Aw, ***** I know that. Thanks for it though. But you know, girl, that bolt by Eros? He was too stoned. It missed. That, girl? That was all you."

(Music theme to Shaft plays.

Wes!

He's one bad Mother- shut your mouth!

Wes!)

(I just want to say that you all got the censored version. )

[the maple epee]

*Maple is busy being completely baked with Eros*
Whoo!
Hey, Eros, buddy, y'know what would be great? If you made Oprah really violently horny. But not just fer anybody, no, it would be for that little guy down there... See? The one on the horse. Now that would be a bloody laugh, man. Oh man, you should totaly do it!

"Oh, dude, you're right! That would be totaly awesome!"

*Eros concentrates on Oprah. Suddenly there is a thunderclap*

"There. Now lets watch!"

A-Hem!

[Aussie_Fencer]

AF Lies dazed for a minute. So close yet so far. He knew what it was he felt now, and thats all he could think about.
"AF come on", said PR.
"What, Oh, right, athena".
PR and AF ran out of their box. Moon light shining down on them.
" PR, I just want you to know that no matter what, if something goes wrong I want you to run".
"but I..." said PR.
"No" said AF. " I could never forgive my self if something happened to you. As they ranthey looked at each other and a feeling of joy swept through their adrenaline pupmping bodies.
"AF" said PR.
"Yeah" said AF.
"I..."
"What is it PR"? he said in a calm, understanding voice as they ran.
"Well ... Look out"!
PR pushed AF out of the way of an arrow.
" some ones watching us" said AF, "quick RUN".
They continued running to the mountain on which they could see Athenas palace ahead.
"keep going. Hades must have figured out I got out. Ill stay further back to draw his attention away from you".
PR turned to look at AF. She saw his bright eyes glinting powerfully in the moon light.
"AF I......."

[ParryRiposte]

"...I love you. But I can't. Not now. There's another after me. Ares. He's a God, he lives on Olympus. We're so close to and he'll find us out... I don't want him to hurt you at all. Now that I've come to Olympus, he'll be on my trail for a while. I'd best keep my distance from you. If I don't see you again... just... arhh, this is so difficult and complicated. I'll try my hardest for you! Good luck!"

"What..."

PR turns and runs off into the distance to find Athena, who is being seduced by a suave Wes. She doesn't want to look back. At last she reaches a pair of silver gates and slips in between the bars. Running ontot the patio, she finds the naked Wes and Athena, who is presenting a massive penis to him. Shocked, she stands back a few steps.

"Okay, party's over, kids. She's mine!" PR shoots Athena in the head with her glock. Of course, this would only have stunned her for a while. "Sorry, mate." She dumps the goddess in a shipping crate and begins to pull it downhill, where she sees Aussie holding off scores of Athena's evil book club minions...

[Aussie_Fencer]

AF jumps gracelfully into the air, A perfectly tuned killing machine if ever there was one. The blade of his sword catches the rising suns light, and as he dodges and flips over the enemies attacks he sees her. Still in partial shock about what she had said, not knowing that she too would harbor feelings for him, he stumbles looking at her. The villains jump on him in an instant. He is dragged to the ground but yells to PR to leave him.
"GO, GO, theyll get you to if you dont"!
"But I....".says PR.
"Go, take her to Hades it is my only hope if I am to come back to life. GO"!
PR stands in amazement watching the powerfull man break free of the villains. His muscly body straining as He dodges and slices the enemy. PR Runs off back towards Elithium with the incapacitated Athena in the crate behind her. Tears stream down her eyes as she realizes that even if she gets back, AF might be taken down back at the beach. If that appened there would be no way to bring him back. Once the soul was destroyed he would be gone forever. Every muscle in her body straining she pushed on forwards.
"I have to hurry, I have to hurry"!

[the maple epee]

Ah, and the sexual tension mounts...

[ParryRiposte]

Tears flow freely down her face as she pulls harder and harder in hopes of returning on time, heart pumping, feet bleeding, pain shooting through every vein. Off in the distance she sees a swirling black mass in the ground, humming with electricity. The gates, of course, to Elysium. Almost there... hold on, Aussie... she was within arms reach of the hole, it was beginning to suck her in... when Athena stirred in the box.

She rips the lid off with a furious flick of her wrist and leaped out, rapidly fading daylight glinting on her armour. "Imbecile. What makes you think you can treat me so?"

"No time to explain. Follow me! Time's running out!"

"No." Her glare cuts like ice and steel. She begins to tense up, the women begin to circle each other like feral animals.

She shrieks like all get out and springs at PR, throwing wild punches. PR tackles her to the ground where they tear at the other's eyes, hoping to disengage the fight.

PR suddenly leaps up and runs into the gate, hoping her plan will work... she collapses on the ground in Elysium, even at Hades' feet. She looks around desperately - where was Athena? Breathing a sigh of relief, she sees her falling towards her at blinding speed - with a spear that buries itself in her back.

[Westley]

(I know, I was in love with that horse.) Wes stands in awe as his latest lay is boxed and carried away, leaving him naked in a sea of dead people holding a massive goat penis. .

"My sexcapades don't normally end like this..." He watches the two run off with the girl in the crate. He couldn't let it end like that. Throwing his codpiece back on, he runs after PR, unsure what role he was yet to play but sure that he couldn't let Athena come to harm if could help it.

[Westley]

He sees Athena attack PR.

"Catfight!"

They both leap down a strange black platform. It didn't matter where it went- he wasn't missing the best catfight in history.

He leaps after, only to see PR impaled by Athena. No! He only kind of new PR, but he couldn't bare to see this. But what could he do?