Airline announcements

[jeff]

Maybe relevant to the recent Denver JO adventures:

1. On a congested flight while boarding, the Flight Attendant
announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find
a seat and get in it!

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your
comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of
your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure
it's something we'd like to have. "

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella..........
WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat
belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure
your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you,
and remember - nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event
of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them
with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or
spouses......except for that gentleman over there."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
Salt Lake City - The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here
to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's
fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on
a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our
airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard
time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a
little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I
ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your
way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - "Ladies and gentlemen, if
you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the
wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21 A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

. . Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back
on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I
scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant
accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see
the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing.
You should see the back of mine!"

[Lady Riposter]

These are fantastic. I think I was on the plane for number nine....

[jeff]

I was just offered a new one:

One I recently heard on Southwest: "In case of sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend in front of you. Please deposit 25 cents for the first three minutes..."

[Rabid Monk]

Sounds like the kind of things you'd hear on a WestJet flight.

[Coldfire]

Those are great!

[Fencergrl]

Sounds like the kind of things you'd hear on a WestJet flight.

I was thinking the same thing...

The brief time when Greyhound was in the airline business, my husband really enjoyed traveling with them. One time the pilot came on "Ladies and Gentleman we are taxing down to our runway. It'll be a few minutes however before we are able to take-off as there are a few planes in front of us in line"

Co-pilot:"Surely we can just cut across the grass and get to the front of the line"

Pilot: "No, we can't.... and don't call be Shirley".

[akaiyuki]

LoL awesome! I've only been on one flight with awesome announcements. I think it was Delta :P

[Rabid Monk]

Pilot: "No, we can't.... and don't call be Shirley".

Airplane quote ftw!

[Go? Fencing?]

The version of 20 that I heard on Southwest- Ladies and gentlemen, the smoking lounge is located on the wing, where, for your viewing pleasure, we will be showing Gone With the Wind.