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Senior Member
Array 
 Originally Posted by Zilverzmurfen What should I do about my horrible hallway? (  ) Why worry only about your horrible hallway, how about your horrible house and horrible lawn? I say, some gasoline, matches, and a good insurance policy can set you on your way to a whole new non-horrible existance.
Q: All the good food is either too fatening, will destroy your teeth, or will slowly embalm you from the inside out. What can I eat?
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"I've been ionized, but I'm okay now." - Buckaroo Banzai
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Senior Member
Array 
What the government food pyramid does not show is that cannibalism is actually one of the healthiest diets around, as well as one of the tastiest, so I would suggest starting with that annoying neighbor whose dog craps on your lawn every morning.
How do I lower my cholesterol? "A well-instructed people alone can be permanently a free people" -- James Madison
"Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it" -- Thomas Jefferson
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Senior Member
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Through concentration, like Dwight Schrute does.
What should I do about Amazon taking forever to deposit payments into my checking account? "Bleeker's mom was possibly attractive once, but now she looks like a Hobbit. You know, the fat one, that was in the Goonies." -Juno MacGuff
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Senior Member
Array 
Threaten to burn more of their rain forests if they don't hurry up!
What would be the best way for me to actually win in a tournament? Fail until you succeed!
Ka-riposte back atcha Purple!
Disgruntled Employee of the Month.
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Senior Member
Array
Create your own tournament, post it on Fred with preregistration only being available between 2:00am and 2:59am on the spring date of daylight saving change, and make sure to register yourself when you create the event. Voila - instant winner!
How do I get from here to eternity? "A well-instructed people alone can be permanently a free people" -- James Madison
"Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it" -- Thomas Jefferson
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Senior Member
Array
Originally Posted by campb1pr How do I get from here to eternity? Wait patiently.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Fail until you succeed!
Ka-riposte back atcha Purple!
Disgruntled Employee of the Month.
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Posting Hound
Array 
Originally Posted by Morion How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? That would depend on the durability of the woodchucks teeth now, wouldn't it? I'd say 5 cubic metres, give or take.
What would it take to have a certain e-mail replied to?
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Senior Member
Array 
Threats and stalking behavior are a good option.
What do you say when you meet someone in person for the first time, when you've only talked to them online before? Originally Posted by IHateMrPotatohead I can't think of anything to put down there! 
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Posting Hound
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Originally Posted by IHateMrPotatohead What do you say when you meet someone in person for the first time, when you've only talked to them online before? "Oh, is that how you look in real life? You're smaller than I expected!"
How do I best prepare for my upcoming competition?
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Senior Member
Array
Well, I would start by packing your bag, then your car, then making sure you have enough gas, getting in the car, driving to the competition, then making sure you are registered, and getting dressed and warming up.
Oh wait, what if you aren't driving? ......... I have no clue then.
How do I get out of the stupid "pool party" my wife's organization is throwing tonight, and stay home and watch preseason football? "A well-instructed people alone can be permanently a free people" -- James Madison
"Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it" -- Thomas Jefferson
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Fencing Expert
Array 
Break all the cues, hide all the balls, rip the felt, and stuff dirty socks into the pockets.
How will I manage to keep up on f.net when school starts up and I actually have things to do during the day? "Oh but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!"
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Senior Member
Array
Skive off going to classes, and sleep in for work shifts.
Oh, wait, that's advice for me.
How should I deal with having to write 15+ page papers this term?
(I assume my psychology courses will be that intense.) "Bleeker's mom was possibly attractive once, but now she looks like a Hobbit. You know, the fat one, that was in the Goonies." -Juno MacGuff
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Talk to Elon1990 on AIM and use him as your psychological profile person, I'm sure it would be terribly interesting! 
How am I going to deal with having to give up 16, SIXTEEN, of my Saturdays in a row, teaching a high level computer graphics class... At 9 in the flippin morning!??? *whimper* It's gonna put a strain on my competition attendence. "Life is like a wheel, where everyone steals, but when we rise, it's like Strawberry Fields."
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Senior Member
Array
I would suggest subcontracting the local Kinko's front desk clerk to teach it for you. Their technical expertise is second to none.
How do I keep my tee shots from slicing? "A well-instructed people alone can be permanently a free people" -- James Madison
"Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it" -- Thomas Jefferson
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Senior Member
Array 
Develop a hook... or give up golf to spend more time fencing.....
How do I quit going to work, but maintain my current standard of living? Why sabre? Because you don't take heads with the point.
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Senior Member
Array
Give up golf? Are you kidding? What else do I do between summer nationals and the first tournament of the year? You've never been addicted to anything, have you? Oh wait, this is f.net..... 
Ok - you just have to buy lots and lots of the "work from home and make millions in real estate" tapes that you can find on infomercials. Buy as many as you can, because you need to develop your own system based off of all the others. Synthesize your idea from the masses you have bought, sit back, let the millions roll in, and then sell your idea on your own informercial. Its foolproof, and only takes 30 to 90 days, YMMV.
How do I fit both my golf clubs and my fencing bag into the trunk of a new Ferrari? "A well-instructed people alone can be permanently a free people" -- James Madison
"Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it" -- Thomas Jefferson
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Senior Member
Array 
Steal your boss's savings.
Errr edit: Donate your new Ferrari to me and buy a bigger car.
How do I get the perfect job after I graduate? A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
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Give up on your hopes and dreams and realize that you're destined to become a manager at Starbuck's before you leave this earth.
How do I move up in the company, without having to put in a lot of time? "Life is like a wheel, where everyone steals, but when we rise, it's like Strawberry Fields."
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Senior Member
Array 
Originally Posted by seven6ty Give up on your hopes and dreams and realize that you're destined to become a manager at Starbuck's before you leave this earth.
How do I move up in the company, without having to put in a lot of time?
Sleep with your boss's wife....and put the video on youtube.
How do I get out of going to a tiki party saturday? Whatever doesn't kill you, is gonna leave a scar...
Looking for a certain Striptease......
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Senior Member
Array
Originally Posted by latenight How do I get out of going to a tiki party saturday? Go out tonight, get really drunk, get caught DWI, then call and tell them you can't come because you can't drive for six months....
How do I find the semi-perfect lover? Why sabre? Because you don't take heads with the point.
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