The Thread of Atrocious Advice

[Asprin]

I want to get out of the house and do something today but I'm not really sure what I want to do; what would be a good activity for me to do today?

Dress up as a animal, go to a park and scare all the little kiddies.

I haven't got any money, how should I get some?

[fences_like_a_lemur]

I haven't got any money, how should I get some?

Go and get some torchs and light them on fire. Then head into town and attempt to juggle them. If you do good then people might give you money...if not then well you'll have the opportunity to try and steal the doctors wallet while you're in the ER.

I don't feel like driving into college tomorrow, how can I get free ride and not have to pay gas money?

[parrythis]

I don't feel like driving into college tomorrow, how can I get free ride and not have to pay gas money?

Get your skateboard and a long length of rope. Wait at the side of the road on your skateboard and lasso a car that's passing in the right direction. Be sure to duck down low so the driver doesn't see you in his rear-view mirror.

How can I have breakfast made and ready for me when I get up in the morning?

[fences_like_a_lemur]

How can I have breakfast made and ready for me when I get up in the morning?

Eat MREs -Meals Rejected by Ethiopians- and make sure to put them by your bed. Then when you wake up *kapoofta* you will have breakfast!

My homework is confusing and I don't want to sit down and read the book to figure out what I'm doing wrong, what can I do so that I get the right answers and still have free time?

[Asprin]

My homework is confusing and I don't want to sit down and read the book to figure out what I'm doing wrong, what can I do so that I get the right answers and still have free time?

Google the topic and copy whatever it says.

i have finished my exams, what should I do tomorrow?

[fences_like_a_lemur]

i have finished my exams, what should I do tomorrow?

Set your alarm for 00:00:01! Don't be like everyone else who decide to not set their alarms and decide to sleep in becaues they can...go against the crowd; and also you will have almost an entire day to enjoy unlike those lazy sleepy heads who will only have half the day to enjoy when they get up.

I just ran out of lead for my pencil and I can't find any lead anywhere...what should I do?

[ParryRiposte]

Chip some paint off the wall (make sure it contains lead first), preferably a large spot in a highly visible area. Jam it onto the end of your pencil. Write. Hopefully some of the lead will rub off.

How do I steal someone's invention without violating patent laws?

[Westley]

Hold the Supreme court hostage with an old banana and a supersoaker filled with holy water and force them to play "Mad Libs" against their will until they change the patent laws. Or listen to "Stairway to Heaven" backwards until the devil appears, and then sell your soul to him to become the greatest rock musician of all time. It won't help you steal an invention, but at least you'll get laid.

How can I become as awesome as Robert Plant?

[sabreur]

How can I become as awesome as Robert Plant?

Quit surfing and fencing, and focus your whole life on improving your vocal range.

How do I spread the gospel of the flying spaghetti monster?

[Rabid Monk]

Don't. The Church of Mothra has a jihad against the Flying Spaghetti Monster. They'll call Cthulhu to smite you.

I have a midterm on Friday.
There's also a big party on Friday, lasting all day.
What should I do?

[Asprin]

I have a midterm on Friday.
There's also a big party on Friday, lasting all day.
What should I do?

Go to the party, when its time for the midterm leave the party don't bother taking any pens and go sleep throught the midterm. Once the midterm has finished go back to the party.

My parents are coming to visit, how do I make sure they don't see the state of my flat, its a complete mess?

[Rabid Monk]

Clean it by shoving aeverything from the living area off to one side. While it's still clean, take a photo from the hall, including the door frame (you'll have to be quick with this part. It might be wise to set the camera up first). Load photo onto computer, photoshop as neccessary to remove any remaining mess, and print it out in sections to fill your doorframe. Glue photos to door (in proper order), and viola! You're parents will see only a clean room and not the mess inside.
p.s. remove the outside doorknob, or it'll tip them off

I'm spending too much time online. I've gotta break my internet addiction. Help!

[Angwilwileth]

Get a shotgun. Load said shotgun. Aim shotgun at computer. Squeeze trigger. Problem solved!

What's the best way to get rid of a possum that's raiding my trashcans?

[Inquartata]

Set a Louweasel onto it.

Diiiiid I mention that I have this possum costume in my closet?

Ahem.

I had a very disturbing dream last night. How do I ensure that I never have it again?

[Asprin]

I had a very disturbing dream last night. How do I ensure that I never have it again?

Don't sleep ever again, get loads of irn bru (scottish drink full of caffiene) and drink it continously for the rest of your life.

I've run out of irn bru what should I do?

[ParryRiposte]

Well to wake someone up you would want to taze them, right? So keep shocking yourself continuously so you'll never fall asleep. Then you'll have no need for irn bru.

What do you say to a person you care about who has two minutes left to live?

[Rabid Monk]

"So..... Can I have your X-box?"

How can you tell if your in love?

[sabreur]

How can you tell if your in love?

Your what is in love?

Homonyms aside, if you have to ask, you aren't. Or in your case, yourn't.

How do we get a grammar lady with virtual ruler to enforce good usage on this board (at least by those who are native speakers of English)?

[Zilverzmurfen]

How do we get a grammar lady with virtual ruler to enforce good usage on this board (at least by those who are native speakers of English)?

Bring on Peach! Give her admin rights so that she can proof read and edit before people get to post.


How do I make the day at work pass by quicker so that I can get out of here and get started on more important things not regarding my job..?

[scrapinpeg]

How do I make the day at work pass by quicker so that I can get out of here and get started on more important things not regarding my job..?

Well, any quantum physicist can tell you that time goes faster when you're having fun. Think of the most fun thing you can do, and do it all day at the office. The day will just scream by, and wham bam it'll be over, and you can get going on those "more important things."



How do I prepare myself for a trek through the Himalayas? Not climbing Everest or anything, but definitely spending several weeks in rough high-altitude terrain without sherpas.