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 5Likes -
Posting Hound
Array 
Invite her in for a threesome.
I'm going to be away for four days next week. How can I make sure my plants don't die from lack of water?
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Senior Member
Array 
 Originally Posted by JackOfHearts What's the best way to stalk someone from across the country.  That should be easy! From all the way across the country they'll never hear you following them!
How do I stay in shape without all that bothersome working out? Fail until you succeed!
Ka-riposte back atcha Purple!
Disgruntled Employee of the Month.
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Posting Hound
Array
Lots of plastic surgery.
How do I live through a two-hour (each way) car trip sandwiched between the window and my grandmother?
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Senior Member
Array 
Eat plenty of bean and cheese burritos the day before. Breakfast as well. They'll give you all the space you need. 
What's the best way to fix a DVD player that's skipping?
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Senior Member
Array 
Bark orders at it that skipping is for little nancyboys, and that it'll run if it knows what's good for itself.
What's the best way to explain to my roommate that I don't think we need bathmats? "Bleeker's mom was possibly attractive once, but now she looks like a Hobbit. You know, the fat one, that was in the Goonies." -Juno MacGuff
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Posting Hound
Array
Say, "What do we need a bathmat for? Don't worry about standing above the germs, I pee in the shower anyway, so that gets it nice and clean."
What's the best way to sharpen my jackknives?
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Senior Member
Array 
electric clippers
how do i make the time go faster while i'm at work? I am but mad by north-north west. When the wind is southerly i know a hawk from a handsaw. -Hamlet
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Senior Member
Array
Stick a paperclip into an electric socket. After the initial shock wears off, you'll be out of work before you know it!
What's the best way to train a dog?
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Senior Member
Array
shove sticks up his rear.
how should i got about stopping a small child from screaming? I am but mad by north-north west. When the wind is southerly i know a hawk from a handsaw. -Hamlet
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Senior Member
Array 
Put duck tape over his mouth. Duck tape seals everything!
How do I get better at fencing? A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
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Senior Member
Array 
Shake it vigorously.
How do I get my husband to relinquish the remote? Originally Posted by IHateMrPotatohead I can't think of anything to put down there! 
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Senior Member
Array
Threaten to divorce. Guys will do anything.
How should I balance school work and fencing? A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
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Posting Hound
Array
With Sir Bedevere's largest scales.
How can I convince my friend that her internet almost-boyfriend is not going to start stalking her if he sees her on national television?
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Senior Member
Array 
Tell her to make sure to get naked during her time on TV - that really turns men off, and he would never stalk her after that.
How do I fix the broken spacebar on my keyboard? "A well-instructed people alone can be permanently a free people" -- James Madison
"Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it" -- Thomas Jefferson
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Posting Hound
Array
Press the Caps Lock key an odd number of times, doesn't matter how many, as long as it's an odd number. Then pry off the spacebar, and type a tilde in place of the spaces.
My contacts have been acting up. What should I do to make them behave?
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Senior Member
Array 
Take them out, and bury them in a pile of dust bunnies. Then put them back in--they should feel fine...
OT: EWWWWW!
How can I avoid getting new, stronger reading glasses? Why sabre? Because you don't take heads with the point.
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Senior Member
Array 
Using copious amounts of ducktape, apply a magnifying glass to one eye. Then whenever you need to read something up close, close the other eye. If this is not plausible, consider getting longer arms so you can hold things further away.
I am going to be very sad when I start school and have no time for pleasure reading (fiction) how do I cope? Characteristically, I had been trying too hard, and remembered again that wonderful piece of advice given by a French thinker: Trouve avante de chercher--Valery, it was. Or maybe it was Picasso. There are times when the most practical thing to do is to lie down.
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Senior Member
Array
Blow off the assigned reading, and read what you want to. You'll fail, but you'll have fun.
How do I make love stay? Why sabre? Because you don't take heads with the point.
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Posting Hound
Array 
Originally Posted by sabreur How do I make love stay? - Chair.
- Rope.
Also make threats. Women love being threatened.
What should I do about my horrible hallway? ( )
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