The Thread of Atrocious Advice

[The Rose Knight]

Q: When I got married, my wife came with a cat. I hate the cat. The cat ruined our new carpet, and has ruined $10k worth of new upholstered furniture. My wife won't let me kill the cat. And, unfortunately, it's an INDOOR CAT, so I cannot just "make it disappear" and say the Coy Dogs must have gotten it. What should I do?

Next time you take it to the vet for a checkup, bribe the vet to diagnose the cat with an incurrable illness and recomend to have the offending feline euthanized.

Q: A vendor says that they're clearing out France Lames blades and that due to the fact that they're no longer being manufactured, the value of these blades has skyrocketted!! He offered me a killer deal of 50% over retail to purchase 20 France Lames foils made at the very end of production. Should I take the plunge?

[Beloit Fencer of Old]

Q: A vendor says that they're clearing out France Lames blades and that due to the fact that they're no longer being manufactured, the value of these blades has skyrocketted!! He offered me a killer deal of 50% over retail to purchase 20 France Lames foils made at the very end of production. Should I take the plunge?

A: That's a great deal! Especially if they are "FIE" blades! If you're short of cash, you should probably sell any BF-manufactured blades you currently own (clearly inferior to the FLs!) in order to raise cash for the FL blades.

Q: I own three pairs of 18-year old Addidas fencing shoes. Each one is worn down, has holes, and the synthetic rubber soles are hardened and brittle. Should I still use these when I fence on dusty gym floors? If not, what should I wear on my feet?

[parrythis]

Q: I own three pairs of 18-year old Addidas fencing shoes. Each one is worn down, has holes, and the synthetic rubber soles are hardened and brittle. Should I still use these when I fence on dusty gym floors? If not, what should I wear on my feet?

Absolutely! They have years of wear left in them. Just spray the soles with some 3M-77 spray adhesive and they will be good as new! If you really feel the need to go for something new and different, try some Z-coil shoes. They're sure to put a spring in your step. (LOL)

How do I keep D+F+P from finding out about the Z-coil shoes?

[ParryRiposte]

Knock him over the head with a club, duct tape his arms to his sides, gag and blindfold him, shove him in the trunk of your car, and leave him there. Forever.

I don't want to pay on my car this month. How do I get out of it?

[Beloit Fencer of Old]

I don't want to pay on my car this month. How do I get out of it?

A: If it's a normal car, you pull the handle, push the door open, and step out of it. If it's the General Lee, you lever yourself out the window, cuz the doors are welded. If it's James Bond's car, you just pull the ejection handle.

Q: My cell phone service sucks. What should I do?

[fences_like_a_lemur]

Stop using a cell phone and use and home phone.

I'm running out of minutes on my phone, what should I do?

[ParryRiposte]

Let me call you! Then, according to you, your minutes don't count, and if they do, too bad.

There's a certain epeeist who I want to kill with every fibre of my body. What should I do?

[I_luv_saber]

Lock him in a room full of saber and foil fencers... either he/she will kill themselves, or the other fencers will do it for him/her.

I'm starting a second job soon... where do I find time to sleep?

[ParryRiposte]

At the first job. You must have a second job because your skills are so highly sought after, so you are in your full rights to sleep on the job.

A friend of mine is sick. What should I do to make him feel better?

[I_luv_saber]

Laugh at him continuously, being as obnoxious as possible. Then, when you catch whatever he has, he will feel much better about things, and can return all the laughter.

How do I navigate all the red tape from moving out of the country? (visas, tax forms, etc.)

[Inquartata]

How do I navigate all the red tape from moving out of the country? (visas, tax forms, etc.)

Pssh! Why bother?

Just grow a nice beard and learn Arabic; memorize the Quran and affect a wild-eyed look. Then convert to Islam and start hanging around at your local mosque. Hint that you would really like to join the jihad against the decadent imperalist West which oppresses your brothers in Palestine and Iraq, and are interested in perhaps attending an Al Qaeda training camp abroad. Make sure that you use the phone in these conversations. Buy some nitrogen fertilizer. Put out feelers to obtain some radioactive materials over the internet. Obtain a false passport.

Once you are safely ensconced at Guantanamo, escape and offer your services to the Maximum Leader and lull the authorities into a false sense of security with a show of loyalty. When their guards are down, steal aboard a freighter under a flag of convenience.

Once caught, ingratiate yourself to the captain and crew with exotic sexual favors. Persuade them to sell you onto another ship bound for your desired ultimate destination. Then jump ship at your earliest opportunity. Voila!

How do I get out of being shot with a Taser in training next week?

[sabreur]

How do I get out of being shot with a Taser in training next week?

Wear your sabre lame and mask. May not keep you from being Tased, but may cause some interesting effects.

How do I get my left knee to repair itself?

[ParryRiposte]

Wear your sabre lame and mask. May not keep you from being Tased, but may cause some interesting effects.

How do I get my left knee to repair itself?

Bang on it with a hammer to coax you knee to start fixing itself. If it doesn't, bang harder, or use a jackhammer.

I want more music on my iPod. What should I download?

[wheeringa]

Tracks from well known artists, sung by another band, in another language. Or Paris Hiltons new album.

One of my best friends just bit me. What should I do about this?

[Inquartata]

One of my best friends just bit me. What should I do about this?

Bandage the wound with duct tape, which not only fixes everything but is antiseptic and antibacterial. Then duct tape your friend's mouth shut so he cant' do it again...and if the mood takes you duct-tape his nose closed for good measure.

How do I get all of my club's scattered sabre fencers to come back to town early so I can get back in practice? ( Stupid holiday break! )

[Windsetter]

Tracks from well known artists, sung by another band, in another language. Or Paris Hiltons new album.

One of my best friends just bit me. What should I do about this?

If she is cute, bite her back...

How do I avoid getting the flu that has been going around?



Reply to Inq's:

Find a gullible epeeist. (Shouldn't be too hard) and invite them to the club. Then cotact your sabuerists and say there is a free public beating to be held...

Back to my question. How do I avoid getting the flu?

[parrythis]

How do I avoid getting the flu?

Go to your refridgerator and look inside. No, not the front, look all the way in the back. Nope, down a little further. That's it... all the way in the back on the bottom. You see that old piece of fruit there? The one that you didn't know you had? The one that's all covered with grey fuzzy stuff? Yup, that's the one. Take it out now, it's ready.

Eat it!

That's not just mold that you're eating, that's penicillin! If you consume some anti-biotics pre-emptively, I guarantee that you won't suffer from the flu!

How can I save money on heating bills this winter?

[scrapinpeg]

How can I save money on heating bills this winter?

Don't pay any of them. But be sure to save all of them, including the envelopes and all the little flyers that come with. When the warning notices start coming, save them, too. Save your junk mail, while you're at it.

When they finally turn off your heat, the cold season will be almost over. To keep yourself warm until the nice weather returns, burn all the accumulated bills, notices, warnings, threats and junk mail.




I want to be a world-class brain surgeon, but don't want to go to med school or deal with the B.S. new doctors go through. How do I achieve my goal by summer?

[The Rose Knight]

Don't pay any of them. But be sure to save all of them, including the envelopes and all the little flyers that come with. When the warning notices start coming, save them, too. Save your junk mail, while you're at it.

When they finally turn off your heat, the cold season will be almost over. To keep yourself warm until the nice weather returns, burn all the accumulated bills, notices, warnings, threats and junk mail.




I want to be a world-class brain surgeon, but don't want to go to med school or deal with the B.S. new doctors go through. How do I achieve my goal by summer?

Easy! Read up on the subject and then try out your new found knowledge on Paris Hilton. If you succeed, she'll be smarter. If you goof up, well its not like anyone is going to notice.

With gas prices being high, I looked into ways of saving on my fillups. Nothing I found really seemed to make much difference. Any suggestions?

~RK~

[fences_like_a_lemur]

Just ride a bike everywhere you go, or learn to siphon gas out of another persons car.

My car seems to have a leaking tire but I don't want to get a new one; what do I do?