The Thread of Atrocious Advice

[parrythis]

What is the best way to mail a letter?

Open the drawer on your computer that has the built-in cup holder. Insert the letter into the slot. Close the drawer. Then just e-mail the letter.

How do I convince older son that it's time to move out on his own?

[Have At You]

Next time he goes out on the town with the lads, change the locks at your house. Refuse to answer the door to him. Refuse to answer or return his phone calls. Pretend not to know him when he accosts you around town. It is critical that you not say another word to him, or otherwise give him any hope -- no matter how small -- that you will take him back.

It will take a few painful weeks, but he'll get the message soon enough. Once he's made the leap and started taking care of himself, say two years from now, there'll be plenty of time to rekindle your paternal relationship. He'll love you all the more for it, now that he appreciates all you did to help him grow up.





How do I put mathematical equations in a forum like this?

[feinte]

How do I put mathematical equations in a forum like this?

A Sharpie marking pen, especially one with a fine point, works quite well. Just write directly on your screen and the computer will read it and post it for you. Computers are smart!



How does one search for the number of Croatian trolls?

[swordwench]

One does not need to search anymore. I am half Croatian, and I have it on VERY good authority that all the trolls are now in Serbia. They won't bother you anymore. But if you're feeling generous, you can bring them some warm blankets and fresh coffee and leave them by bridges. It's a nice thing to do this time of year.

What's the best way to stop holding a grudge against someone who done me wrong?

[scrapinpeg]

Revenge, oddly enough, is only the second-best way to get over a grudge.

The best way is to force yourself to smile every time you think of the person. At first, make it easy on yourself, and smile with evil glee at the things you could do to get back at them. The important thing is to smile.

For whatever reason, if you make the physical manifestation of an emotion, you will start to actually feel that emotion. You can override your emotions with your actions and expressions. Strange, but true.

After a while, you'll think nothing but pleasant thoughts about this person, and you will no longer hold any grudge. Just keep smiling!



What is the best way to eat Krispy Kremes without getting all sticky?

[Inquartata]

A blender, and a bottle of rum.

How do I get over my cold faster?

[sabreur]

Move to Seattle, and make a point of wandering around town in mid-winter wearing only a light T-shirt and khakis, pretending you are still in Furnace... I mean, Phoenix.

How can I contain my delight about my impending Christmas travels?

[notalent]

You should join a monastary that still does the vow of silence, as well as chastity and poverty.

I need to aquire xmas gifts this weekend, how should I prepare for the upcoming ordeal.

Move to Seattle, and make a point of wandering around town in mid-winter wearing only a light T-shirt and khakis, pretending you are still in Furnace... I mean, Phoenix.

How can I contain my delight about my impending Christmas travels?

[Inquartata]

I need to aquire xmas gifts this weekend, how should I prepare for the upcoming ordeal.

Have you ever seen the samurai film "Hanzo the Razor"? If so---like that. If not, get the video, watch the first 5 minutes or so, and---like that.

How do I get the weather here to go back to its customary sunny warmth and stop with the dreary cold and rain already?

[Have At You]

First, you must renounce sabre and all its evil works. Then you must say one hundred Hail Epees. Then you can ask the present priestess of the Church of Epee to intercede and make a prayer for the rain to end. When you see the light, you will see the light.




I'm really angry at someone right now, who totally misled me and wasted my time. What's the best way to get over it without throwing something?

[Rabid Monk]

Stabbing doesn't involve throwing things.
I leave the details to your imagination.

How do I make sure I passed all my exams?

[Inquartata]

How do I make sure I passed all my exams?

Take a good, strong laxative.

How do I go about meeting the woman of my dreams?

[fences_like_a_lemur]

Take sleep pills so that you sleep longer and then dream about them, also take a pillow with you everywere and sleep whenever you can.

I have to get my college books for next quarter but I really don't want to have to go into town soon, what should I do?

[ParryRiposte]

Go to the middle of nowhere, build a time machine, then buy them not soon. Go back in time with the books and return to college, in the middle of nowhere.

How do you gracefully go about breaking up with someone?

[counter riposte]

Drive a car through their living room.

How do I get out of my apartment lease early, w/o incurring penalties?

[notalent]

Drive a car through their living room.

How do I get out of my apartment lease early, w/o incurring penalties?

If your apartment were to become unlivable there would be no penalties. So if you were to decide you wanted to paint your place you would need to store your stuff elsewhere. You wouldn't want to risk getting paint on anything. It's amazing how flamable paint thinner is....

I need to get my security dep back from my last place. How should go about getting the management company to get me my check?

[jokey4444]

If your apartment were to become unlivable there would be no penalties. So if you were to decide you wanted to paint your place you would need to store your stuff elsewhere. You wouldn't want to risk getting paint on anything. It's amazing how flamable paint thinner is....

I need to get my security dep back from my last place. How should go about getting the management company to get me my check?

I suggest that you find the individual in charge of your account at the management company and commit his or her name, address, date of birth, marital status, and any other personal information to memory. Then, fall asleep every night for the next 49 days with a television right next to your bed which loops a potpourri of Hannibal Lector movies, videos of animal cruelty, anything by Pauly Shore, and Trainspotting. Then on day 50, wake up and drink about 20 ounces of warm Jim Beam from a plastic "Sesame Street On Ice" McDonald's prize cup. The rest will fall into place as nature and the psychosis inducing sleep techniques intended.


My flatmate is a slob and never picks up after himself. How should I best approach the situation to get him to take care of his crap?

[Beloit Fencer of Old]

My flatmate is a slob and never picks up after himself. How should I best approach the situation to get him to take care of his crap?

Does your "flatmate" (huh...flatmate instead of roommate...how very continental of you...you must be one of those "sophisticated, fancy boys") have a car? If so, whenever there's something he hasn't picked up, wait until he's asleep, then put it in the trunk of his car. He'll probably drive around for a few months wondering what the rattling is, but as his posessions begin to disappear, he'll eventually have less stuff to not pick up.

Alternatively, you could invite the smelly guy who picks up bottles by the side of the road to share your "flatmate's" room. Give him a key. Tell your flatmate that he'll have Harvey the Bum as a roomie until he starts living like a 28 year old. Tell Harvey that it's OK to wear your roomie's undies...just make sure that he puts them back in the underwear drawer (or underwear pile) unwashed. Have Harvey start showing up at your flatmate's place of work, asking for his "special friend" while wearing your flatmate's oversized Oxford shirt untucked. Eventually, your flatmate will clean up his act so that you will take away Harvey's key.


Q: My boss has bad breath. What's the best way to tell him without getting fired?

[The Rose Knight]

Q: My boss has bad breath. What's the best way to tell him without getting fired?

Thats easy. Alert him to the rat that crawled inside of his mouth and died and offer him some arsenic kill the source of the odor. Surely he'll show his appreciation by giving you a promotion and a raise.

Q: Whats the best way to deal with a left handed opponent in fencing?

RK

[Beloit Fencer of Old]

Q: Whats the best way to deal with a left handed opponent in fencing?

RK

A: That's easy. Now that the FIE has changed foil timings, their next project is to require all fencing to be RIGHT HANDED.

Q: When I got married, my wife came with a cat. I hate the cat. The cat ruined our new carpet, and has ruined $10k worth of new upholstered furniture. My wife won't let me kill the cat. And, unfortunately, it's an INDOOR CAT, so I cannot just "make it disappear" and say the Coy Dogs must have gotten it. What should I do?