The Thread of Atrocious Advice

[scrapinpeg]

Set fire to your home. Now you'll have to go somewhere; it might as well be the mall.


I will probably start thinking about my Christmas shopping this weekend. I want to give thoughtful gifts that are perfect for the various people on my list, but I don't want to have to spend too much time hunting for things in all the various shops all over town. How should I go about it?

[ThatReallyHurt]

Don't go hunting in the stores - go hunting out in the woods! It's like two gifts in one - food AND a neato life-sized (deer, moose, elk, caribou, cow) toy!
Oh, and you should probably take a taxidermy course or two.


What should I do with all these extra pop cans lying around?

[ParryRiposte]

Fill them with various liquids and resell them to the public.

I'm really tired but I don't want to sleep. What should I do?

[sabreur]

Drink some warm milk, then go for a really long drive with the heat on in the car....

I have to wait another week before snogging! How do I survive?

[swordwench]

Oh, come on. Be a man! Take matters into your own hands.

I always intend to let candy canes melt slowly in my mouth so I can get that super-sharp point on them and poke people with them. But I don't have the patience. I get just so far, then I bite them. How can I build up some patience for things like this?

[sabreur]

Practice, practice, practice, while constantly thinking "Revenge is a dish best served cold." The patience may pay off in other arenas as well!

I've been out sick for two days, and it feels like it could become a habit. What should I do to ensure I continue to bring home the dog biscuits?

[Zilverzmurfen]

I've been out sick for two days, and it feels like it could become a habit. What should I do to ensure I continue to bring home the dog biscuits?

Train your dogs to do all the shopping for both you and themselves.


How do I fight off SAD and endure these last days until christmas? ()

[Inquartata]

How do I fight off SAD and endure these last days until christmas? ()

Consider overload therapy: visit someplace even gloomier, like, say, Vancouver, or Seattle. Then when you return home life will seem like the proverbial bowl of cherries in comparison.

And however infeliciotous or depressing your lot in life may be, consider that you could be Inquartata instead. That ought to brighten anyone's spirits.

How do I get out of Taser training?

[parrythis]

How do I get out of Taser training?

Walk in and announce in your most commanding voice, "REAL men don't use no stink'n TASERS!" Then pull out a 357 Magnum and blow the target dummy's head off. I expect you will be asked to leave.

How do I convince Ivana Trump to adopt me?

[swordwench]

How do I convince Ivana Trump to adopt me?

She really enjoys puns. I suggest you approach her on the street and say things like "Ivana voman just like you!" and "Ivana make love to you all night long!" She'll melt into your arms.

How do I keep from gaining 5 pounds over the holiday so I can still squeeze into the sweet little skirt I just bought?

[campb1pr]

She really enjoys puns. I suggest you approach her on the street and say things like "Ivana voman just like you!" and "Ivana make love to you all night long!" She'll melt into your arms.

How do I keep from gaining 5 pounds over the holiday so I can still squeeze into the sweet little skirt I just bought?

Gain 10.

How do I get from here to there, without all those places in between? (feeling metaphysical today)

[Inquartata]

Find enlightenment. It's easy. You need to find yourself a nice quiet, deserted spot, like a remote mountaintop, sit yourself down ( lotus position is traditional ) and concentrate. Don't worry, I'm told that the years pass quite quickly, really.

How do I get out of the tedious make-work projects my boss keeps giving me to do?

[scrapinpeg]

How do I get out of the tedious make-work projects my boss keeps giving me to do?

"Accidental Discharge of Weapon." It's the holidays, you deserve some time off anyway.



How do I politely inform a superior (who takes everything personally) that they are the sole cause of their unit's failings, without said superior taking it personally?

[JackOfHearts]

Say just that. But add "Nothing Personal" to the beginning or end of that. For example: "Nothing personal, Boss. But you're a moron". Or, "It's just a fact that ever since you took over, this team has been lead right into the ground. Nothing personal".

What's the best way to tactfully dismiss a coquettish trollop?

[ThatReallyHurt]

Three words:

"Pull my finger."

I've got an old lead-acid battery sitting around. It won't take a charge anymore, so it's pretty much ready to be recycled. Is there anything I can do that's better for the environment than recycling it?

[Inquartata]

I've got an old lead-acid battery sitting around. It won't take a charge anymore, so it's pretty much ready to be recycled. Is there anything I can do that's better for the environment than recycling it?

Yes. Buy yourself a ticket on the next Russian space launch, take the battery along, and send it spinning out into the interstellar void at your first opportunity.

How can we get Louweasel off the sofa in the Cocktail Party thread and persuade her to perform a little song and dance?

[Go? Fencing?]

Douse the sofa with all the alcohol in the house and light it on fire. That's sure to get her up and dancing!

How shall I get out of jury duty tomorrow?

[sabreur]

Go in and announce to the judge that you believe the judicial system is a construct intended to demonstrate the control of those in power over the physical and mental being of the oppressed, and that you will vote for acquittal in all cases that you sit on as part of a jury regardless of the evidence. For good measure, carry a copy of Foucault's Discipline & Punish: The Birth of the Prison.

How do I free myself from the influence of years of grad school in literary studies?

[Inquartata]

How do I free myself from the influence of years of grad school in literary studies?

Buy a Harley, join a biker gang, stop bathing and shaving and learn to love the bong.

About what should I ask for atrocious advice, considering the fact that I already know everything?

[scrapinpeg]

Buy a Harley, join a biker gang, stop bathing and shaving and learn to love the bong.

About what should I ask for atrocious advice, considering the fact that I already know everything?

Firstly, a grad student in literary studies is most likely well past loving the bong, and has moved on to being friendly with it, tolerating it, resenting it, reconciling with it, and finally being used to it.

With respect to your question, you should ask for advice on achieving that level of ingorance necessary to sustain curiosity, without which the intellectual mind shrivels to that of a loathsome pedant who makes up in ennui what he lacks in creativity.

What is the best way to mail a letter?