12-13-2006, 05:59 PM
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#1061 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Passing you on the inside... vroom
Posts: 1,299
| Set fire to your home. Now you'll have to go somewhere; it might as well be the mall.
I will probably start thinking about my Christmas shopping this weekend. I want to give thoughtful gifts that are perfect for the various people on my list, but I don't want to have to spend too much time hunting for things in all the various shops all over town. How should I go about it?
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Freedom of speech makes it easier to spot the idiots.
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12-13-2006, 08:00 PM
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#1062 | | Boom!
Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Canada
Posts: 5,925
| Don't go hunting in the stores - go hunting out in the woods! It's like two gifts in one - food AND a neato life-sized (deer, moose, elk, caribou, cow) toy!
Oh, and you should probably take a taxidermy course or two.
What should I do with all these extra pop cans lying around?
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Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth. | |
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12-14-2006, 03:27 AM
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#1063 | | Senior Member
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 6,229
| Fill them with various liquids and resell them to the public.
I'm really tired but I don't want to sleep. What should I do? | |
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12-14-2006, 10:17 AM
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#1064 | | Immortal
Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Heidelberg, GE
Posts: 5,454
| Drink some warm milk, then go for a really long drive with the heat on in the car....
I have to wait another week before snogging! How do I survive?
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Why sabre? Because you don't take heads with the point.
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12-14-2006, 10:22 AM
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#1065 | | the dark one
Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: MA/NH line
Posts: 3,823
| Oh, come on. Be a man! Take matters into your own hands. 
I always intend to let candy canes melt slowly in my mouth so I can get that super-sharp point on them and poke people with them. But I don't have the patience. I get just so far, then I bite them. How can I build up some patience for things like this?
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"Let's see... take responsibility for my own life, or blame YOU? Ding ding ding ding ding! Blame you wins hands-down!" - Bowler Hat Guy, Meet the Robinsons | |
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12-14-2006, 11:28 AM
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#1066 | | Immortal
Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Heidelberg, GE
Posts: 5,454
| Practice, practice, practice, while constantly thinking "Revenge is a dish best served cold." The patience may pay off in other arenas as well!
I've been out sick for two days, and it feels like it could become a habit. What should I do to ensure I continue to bring home the dog biscuits?
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Why sabre? Because you don't take heads with the point.
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12-14-2006, 11:49 AM
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#1067 | | Épéeist Hive Queen
Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Sweden
Posts: 12,759
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Originally Posted by sabreur  I've been out sick for two days, and it feels like it could become a habit. What should I do to ensure I continue to bring home the dog biscuits? | Train your dogs to do all the shopping for both you and themselves. 
How do I fight off SAD and endure these last days until christmas? (  )
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Fencing is my only PvP. | |
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12-14-2006, 01:32 PM
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#1068 | | Curmudgeon-in-Chief
Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Somewhere in your nightmares!
Posts: 23,538
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Originally Posted by Zilverzmurfen
How do I fight off SAD and endure these last days until christmas? ( ) | Consider overload therapy: visit someplace even gloomier, like, say, Vancouver, or Seattle. Then when you return home life will seem like the proverbial bowl of cherries in comparison.
And however infeliciotous or depressing your lot in life may be, consider that you could be Inquartata instead. That ought to brighten anyone's spirits. 
How do I get out of Taser training?
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Use the Shift key, people! Keyboard manufacturers everywhere are ineffably saddened when you ignore what they made just for you!
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12-14-2006, 06:27 PM
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#1069 | | Epee fencing addict
Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Glenwood, ny
Posts: 2,301
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Originally Posted by Inquartata How do I get out of Taser training? | Walk in and announce in your most commanding voice, "REAL men don't use no stink'n TASERS!" Then pull out a 357 Magnum and blow the target dummy's head off. I expect you will be asked to leave.
How do I convince Ivana Trump to adopt me?
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One test is worth a thousand opinions.
I ain't as good as I once was, but I'm as good once as I ever was. - Toby Keith
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo | |
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12-15-2006, 12:16 PM
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#1070 | | the dark one
Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: MA/NH line
Posts: 3,823
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Originally Posted by parrythis How do I convince Ivana Trump to adopt me? | She really enjoys puns. I suggest you approach her on the street and say things like "Ivana voman just like you!" and "Ivana make love to you all night long!" She'll melt into your arms.
How do I keep from gaining 5 pounds over the holiday so I can still squeeze into the sweet little skirt I just bought?
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"Let's see... take responsibility for my own life, or blame YOU? Ding ding ding ding ding! Blame you wins hands-down!" - Bowler Hat Guy, Meet the Robinsons | |
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12-15-2006, 12:55 PM
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#1071 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Shenandoah Valley, VA
Posts: 380
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Originally Posted by swordwench She really enjoys puns. I suggest you approach her on the street and say things like "Ivana voman just like you!" and "Ivana make love to you all night long!" She'll melt into your arms.
How do I keep from gaining 5 pounds over the holiday so I can still squeeze into the sweet little skirt I just bought? | Gain 10.
How do I get from here to there, without all those places in between? (feeling metaphysical today)
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"A well-instructed people alone can be permanently a free people" -- James Madison
"Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it" -- Thomas Jefferson | |
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12-15-2006, 02:41 PM
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#1072 | | Curmudgeon-in-Chief
Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Somewhere in your nightmares!
Posts: 23,538
| Find enlightenment. It's easy. You need to find yourself a nice quiet, deserted spot, like a remote mountaintop, sit yourself down ( lotus position is traditional ) and concentrate. Don't worry, I'm told that the years pass quite quickly, really.
How do I get out of the tedious make-work projects my boss keeps giving me to do?
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Use the Shift key, people! Keyboard manufacturers everywhere are ineffably saddened when you ignore what they made just for you!
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12-15-2006, 06:47 PM
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#1073 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Passing you on the inside... vroom
Posts: 1,299
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Originally Posted by Inquartata How do I get out of the tedious make-work projects my boss keeps giving me to do? | "Accidental Discharge of Weapon." It's the holidays, you deserve some time off anyway.
How do I politely inform a superior (who takes everything personally) that they are the sole cause of their unit's failings, without said superior taking it personally?
__________________
Freedom of speech makes it easier to spot the idiots.
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12-16-2006, 09:37 PM
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#1074 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 7,100
| Say just that. But add "Nothing Personal" to the beginning or end of that. For example: "Nothing personal, Boss. But you're a moron". Or, "It's just a fact that ever since you took over, this team has been lead right into the ground. Nothing personal".
What's the best way to tactfully dismiss a coquettish trollop?
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If your hearts not in it, why bother? -Yours truly
Woman was created for our destruction, and it is from her we inherit all our miseries. - Aramis, from The Three Musketeers
All human wisdom is summed up in two words. Wait and Hope. http://www.bash.org/?23396 | |
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12-17-2006, 12:09 AM
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#1075 | | Boom!
Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Canada
Posts: 5,925
| Three words:
"Pull my finger."
I've got an old lead-acid battery sitting around. It won't take a charge anymore, so it's pretty much ready to be recycled. Is there anything I can do that's better for the environment than recycling it?
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Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth. | |
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12-17-2006, 01:34 PM
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#1076 | | Curmudgeon-in-Chief
Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Somewhere in your nightmares!
Posts: 23,538
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Originally Posted by ThatReallyHurt I've got an old lead-acid battery sitting around. It won't take a charge anymore, so it's pretty much ready to be recycled. Is there anything I can do that's better for the environment than recycling it? | Yes. Buy yourself a ticket on the next Russian space launch, take the battery along, and send it spinning out into the interstellar void at your first opportunity.
How can we get Louweasel off the sofa in the Cocktail Party thread and persuade her to perform a little song and dance?
__________________
Use the Shift key, people! Keyboard manufacturers everywhere are ineffably saddened when you ignore what they made just for you!
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12-18-2006, 02:18 AM
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#1077 | | Question Game Queen
Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Southern Canadia
Posts: 15,599
| Douse the sofa with all the alcohol in the house and light it on fire. That's sure to get her up and dancing!
How shall I get out of jury duty tomorrow? | |
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12-18-2006, 06:02 AM
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#1078 | | Immortal
Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Heidelberg, GE
Posts: 5,454
| Go in and announce to the judge that you believe the judicial system is a construct intended to demonstrate the control of those in power over the physical and mental being of the oppressed, and that you will vote for acquittal in all cases that you sit on as part of a jury regardless of the evidence. For good measure, carry a copy of Foucault's Discipline & Punish: The Birth of the Prison.
How do I free myself from the influence of years of grad school in literary studies?
__________________
Why sabre? Because you don't take heads with the point.
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12-18-2006, 12:52 PM
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#1079 | | Curmudgeon-in-Chief
Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Somewhere in your nightmares!
Posts: 23,538
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Originally Posted by sabreur How do I free myself from the influence of years of grad school in literary studies? | Buy a Harley, join a biker gang, stop bathing and shaving and learn to love the bong.
About what should I ask for atrocious advice, considering the fact that I already know everything? 
__________________
Use the Shift key, people! Keyboard manufacturers everywhere are ineffably saddened when you ignore what they made just for you!
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12-18-2006, 01:15 PM
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#1080 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Passing you on the inside... vroom
Posts: 1,299
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