The Thread of Atrocious Advice

[Windsetter]

Stab them anyway. If anyone asks what happened say "They stated that they wanted to become eppeist", so that you will be justified.

How should I convince my friend to go to a local foil competition? He has been fencing since he could walk but has never tried a competition.

[ThatReallyHurt]

Tell him that it's for some reality show and there'll be huge sums of money paid out just for competing.

I've got an old microwave sitting in the basement... what should I do with it?

[Asprin]

Tell him that it's for some reality show and there'll be huge sums of money paid out just for competing.

I've got an old microwave sitting in the basement... what should I do with it?

Put a ballon filled with petrol with a piece of foil(tin foil not the fencing weapon) attached in it.



I have a 9am lecture, how should I get out of it?

[ThatReallyHurt]

Go to the instructor's house the night before and get him/her hopelessly drunk. The later at night you start this, the better - more chance of the instructor sleeping through the class.

I shoveled the driveway again this morning. It's still early enough in the winter that I don't mind doing it, but once the novelty wears off, can you think of any better way I can do it other than shoveling or using the snow blower?

[Asprin]

I shoveled the driveway again this morning. It's still early enough in the winter that I don't mind doing it, but once the novelty wears off, can you think of any better way I can do it other than shoveling or using the snow blower?

Pour Petrol over it and set fire.

How should I get more money off my parents? (to buy fencing gear!!)

[tehcow]

Blackmail them. Offer to not torment/injure/steal from them if they give you money. Make sure you know you mean it by severing a paw or two from the family cat, and writing a threatening message in blood across the sofa.

I've got a bung throat but I can't afford any sort of proper medication. What should I do about it?

[scrapinpeg]

Drink a large scotch. Then scream some old Korn lyrics into a pillow, loud enough to be heard in the next room, until the pain stops. Drink another scotch to soothe the vocal chords, and finish with a cheap cigar to coat the pipes with mucus.

Works every time.




I want to recycle, to be good to the planet. What's the best use for a collection of old newspapers?

[Zilverzmurfen]

I want to recycle, to be good to the planet. What's the best use for a collection of old newspapers?

Mail them to India. I've heard they're out of toilet paper there.


What's the best way of winning the lottery (besides the obvious "buy lottery tickets")?

[ThatReallyHurt]

Call everyone (and I do mean everyone) and get them to buy lottery tickets on your behalf. Oh, and make sure they don't buy any for themselves. Also, make sure they don't know that you've called everyone.

I just found a box of old, dusty books. They're pretty heavy and the recycling bin is much too far (probably a good 8 second walk). What should I do with them?

[Asprin]

Call everyone (and I do mean everyone) and get them to buy lottery tickets on your behalf. Oh, and make sure they don't buy any for themselves. Also, make sure they don't know that you've called everyone.

I just found a box of old, dusty books. They're pretty heavy and the recycling bin is much too far (probably a good 8 second walk). What should I do with them?

Set fire to them.

I'm bored what should I do?

[I_luv_saber]

...and get him/her hopelessly drunk

Funny how that is in so many answers....

I'm bored what should I do?

Watching paint dry is supposed to be super! Or better yet, watching epee!

I have to flip my hours from nights to days for 2 shifts this week (and of course they are at seperate times in the week). How do I cope with it?

[Inquartata]

I have to flip my hours from nights to days for 2 shifts this week (and of course they are at seperate times in the week). How do I cope with it?

Copious amounts of methamphetamine. You can always sleep when you're dead.

How do I survive the weather in Richmond this weekend? ( I mean, temperatures in the 40s when the sun is shining? Come ON! )

[KelseyD]

Run naked through the streets!

How do I learn sabre in two weeks?

[Dave]

How do I learn sabre in two weeks?

Practice your shouting. A good convincing shout, ideally whilst ripping your mask off and facing the ref will make up for any inadequacy in technique.


Is there anything that drugs isn't the answer too?

[ThatReallyHurt]

Yeah - math. I don't think there are too many drugs that help you do math. But don't take my word for it!

How long should I leave that leftover chicken in the fridge before I stop thinking about eating it?

[Inquartata]

Until it acquires a nice coating of grayish fuzz. Then tuck in with gusto. This will let you kill 2 birds ( so to speak ) with 1 stone: it will provide nourishment and free penicillin.

OK, 3 birds with 1 stone: weight loss. You will probably drop 5 or 10 pounds in the ensuing couple of days.

Recommend a good book to read on the plane to Richmond tomorrow.

[swordwench]

Recommend a good book to read on the plane to Richmond tomorrow.

I highly recommend a book called "Sweet Savage Love" by Rosemary Rogers. A real bodice-ripper - I read it back in 6th grade and it CHANGED MY LIFE. The best thing about reading bodice-rippers in public is that if you find yourself seated next to an attractive woman, she'll immediately recognize your soft, romantic side and ask you to share a few drinks when you deplane. If you're seated next to a man, he'll immediately think you're a wuss and leave you alone so you can sleep.

I find myself with a very short fuse this week. What can I do to survive till the weekend without killing anyone?

[ThatReallyHurt]

Kill someone, but do it either carefully so no one sees or do it so absolutely over the top that no one will believe it was you who did it.

I've got to work this weekend. Anything I should bring along to make it less like work and more like a weekend?

[fences_like_a_lemur]

Well lets see, weekend = more sleep, so I would say just bring your bed to work; or if that is too hard then just bring a hammock and a pillow!

My doctor is absoluty brain dead and can't find out why I'm sick, what should I do?

[ParryRiposte]

Weell, if one is brain dead, one generally should get a new brain. I suggest you cut her head open and replace it from one from you local morgue.

How should I go about convincing my parents to get me a Mini Cooper?