The Thread of Atrocious Advice

[Inquartata]

Fence some sabre. Guarantee to lighten your spirits.

Oh, wait, that's GOOD advice. Never mind.

Go fence more foil, then. Yeah, that'll do the trick!



How do we lure Latenight back from Mr. Epee's vein?

[Have At You]

Rent a shrink ray from your local Gizmo Hut (don't go to Gadget Hut, their stuff is all too modern -- you want something of 1955-1965 vintage for best results). Assemble your team (captain, bio-navigator, hot chick, and Nobel scientist) in your research submarine with the claw arms and lasers. Shrink everyone down to 1/1000 size. Locate Mr. Epee. Inject your team into his veins, and wait for them to locate and kidnap Latenight. They may have to use the hot chick as bait. Extract team in the normal manner. Unfortunately, regrowth rays are just pure science fiction, and the whole team will have to remain microscopic. Be sure to give them a nice home in a petri dish.




How do I get to sleep? Insomnia sux.

[tehcow]

So many many ways. Putting on the radio or TV should suffice. Usually the quality is such that your brain will force the rest of your body to shut off. You could try reading a teen fantasy novel, or see a Hollywood romantic comedy. Watch women's foil, web a popular webcomic or as a last resort, smack yourself stupid with a large trout. Combining any two is surefire but could be fatal.

My uncle is trying to profit from my hideously misshapen face. What should I do?

[scrapinpeg]

Demand a cut.



So many people on this forum dispense so easily with double entendres. I have a hard enough time making a single entendre. What must I do in order to join the ranks of the witty?

[Inquartata]

Consult a good necromancer and have him raise the shade of Entendre the Giant. When the necromancer isn't looking, brush the chalked pentacle open with your foot, and you will be possessed by the spirit. On the down side, you may feel an irresistible urge to become a professional wrestler. Hope your body can cash that check.

How can I know the best time to sell my Apple stock?

[Louweasel]

When it is nice and ripe and about to fall from the tree.

I have to go to court in the morning (not as the defendant!!!) - what shall I wear?

[Sword Hobbit]

a scarf.



I'm losing My job in a week, how do I pay for fencing?

[Inquartata]

Faugh, you missed a golden punning opportunity!

The correct answer about what to wear to court is...

Wait for it...

A law suit.

Anyway, the answer to YOUR question is: Stand outside your salle wearing a ski mask and rob your coach as he arrives.

I have to work a double shift tonight. How shall I keep myself occupied, given the slow pace of discussion on f.net lately?

[swordwench]

Might I suggest checking out craigslist.org? I hear you can meet some very intelligent, charming people there, particularly in the "casual encounters" section. Be sure to check off that you're over 18 before you enter the site, though. That way, you're sure to meet only desirable (and legally available) chat partners. Let me know how that works out for you, 'K?

I strained my knee chasing my cat through the woods yesterday, and I can't fence tonight. But I'm still going. What shall I do to pass the time constructively while all my mates are fencing?

[mifencer]

I strained my knee chasing my cat through the woods yesterday, and I can't fence tonight. But I'm still going. What shall I do to pass the time constructively while all my mates are fencing?

You can beat your cat. After a while your cat won't run away (or move) and then you will be placed in animal cruelity jail which will also solve your fencing with a bum knee.

Should I start a pot of green tea or black tea?

[D'Art]

Neither. You should start a farm of pot instead. In a few months, your investment will be worth. Even if it goes up in smoke, your neighbours will love you for it.

How do I get an admirer to get the hint that I'm not interested? Inq is starting to annoy me....

[Inquartata]

How do I get an admirer to get the hint that I'm not interested?

Tell him that you've been born again and have decided that you cannot have sex with men any longer. If this fails to deter him, brandish a crucifix at him while screaming "Unclean! Unclean! Save me, Jesus!" and then throw holy water on him.

How can I annoy D'Art still further?

[D'Art]

How can I annoy D'Art still further?

By feeding me beer, and sending lots of sexy, horny women my way. And I don't mean the Thai version of a lady, either....


How do I stop Inq from being a curmudgeon?

[scrapinpeg]

Have him kidnapped by the cloying kids from the "Love Is..." comic, with their posse of Sanrio characters. Wait for Stockholm syndrome to set in (symptoms include a fondness for pansies and an abhorrence of the word "devil"). It may take a month or two, but he can only hold out so long.




I've been offered a dream opportunity, chance of a lifetime, but I've got another year and a half on my commitment to a job that's turning into a dead end. Do I honor my commitment, or open the door to Mister Opportunity?

[counter riposte]

I've been offered a dream opportunity, chance of a lifetime, but I've got another year and a half on my commitment to a job that's turning into a dead end. Do I honor my commitment, or open the door to Mister Opportunity?

Honor your committment. So what if it takes a full year and a half of your precious unimportant life in which you could have had hundreds if not thousands of more dollars on this new opportunity to do something different, find out more about your self or pursue your dreams? Stay right where you are, do nothing, be nothing and grype about the opportunity that passed you by since testicular fortitude is apparently not one of your better qualities.




I have a ton of work that needs to be completed in three days. How am I gonna get all my work finished?

[Dave]

I have a ton of work that needs to be completed in three days. How am I gonna get all my work finished?

Just accept that you won't get it done and take the weekend off instead.

I am supposed to be at two parties on Saturday night, a birthday and a leaving do. I can't be at both what should I do?

[umbrella]

Quote:
Originally Posted by counter riposte
I have a ton of work that needs to be completed in three days. How am I gonna get all my work finished?


Just accept that you won't get it done and take the weekend off instead.
--------------
I am supposed to be at two parties on Saturday night, a birthday and a leaving do. I can't be at both what should I do?

Dear "What should I do...."

Go to both.
---------------------

Dear Fencing Board:
My problem is thus: My landlord has vacated all apartments in the building and I am relocated. I was forced to leave my beautiful new Chinese Buddhist Altar which set me back some, but it's not about money, it's sheer gall of it all, and the theft behind it. The wookwork with gold inlaid panelling with handpainted cranes, beautiful carvings and so forth, the top portion blending beautifully with jade shapes here and there. Should I try to find the same thing again; replace it with something more awesome?

[notalent]

The Budda would point out that this would an excellent oppertunity to give up your worldly possesions and help out the poor. I suggest quiet contemplation and service in the Gobi desert assisting needy yak farmers. If you want I can set you up with a second hand yurt.

I have to move a refridgerator up a flight of stairs, how should I do this?

Dear Fencing Board:
My problem is thus: My landlord has vacated all apartments in the building and I am relocated. I was forced to leave my beautiful new Chinese Buddhist Altar which set me back some, but it's not about money, it's sheer gall of it all, and the theft behind it. The wookwork with gold inlaid panelling with handpainted cranes, beautiful carvings and so forth, the top portion blending beautifully with jade shapes here and there. Should I try to find the same thing again; replace it with something more awesome?

[rac]

I have to move a refrigerator up a flight of stairs, how should I do this?

I love a challenge: The space shuttle is supposed to go up some night in early December. What you do is transport the refer down here to the launch pad, load it aboard. The extra weight will be a problem so make sure to "knock off" one the the payload specialists prior to launch. When it is launched, re-program the flight computer to pass over your apartment/home. When you get close kick the sucker out of the cargo bay and make sure it falls directly on the place you want it to land! Simple.



How do I get the dog to stop licking the carpet? It needs cleaning and the spots she licked are cleaner than the surrounding area!

[Sword Hobbit]

Tie some string onto your dog so you can use him\her like a puppet then transport your dog and yourself to a really nasty part of town and using the strings make your dog flash gang signs. No dog no licking.


I haven't been able to fence in three weeks what should I do with myself so I don't stab my siblings?