The Thread of Atrocious Advice

[counter riposte]

A braille T-Shirt.

How do I get a Playstation 3 for the holidays?

[glowstix]

rent a uhaul, wait for the store to close and no one around then run the truck into the wall and grab the PS3..no one will notice,

how can i get my coach to give me lessons for free?

[I_luv_saber]

Give him/her a bunch or hard liquor until the end result is them in a batman suit dancing with a moose head, or something else quite silly, being sure to record the entire event. Blackmail him/her with said tape. If the coach does not give in, send the tape to America's Funniest Home Videos and use the prize money to buy tons of lessons!

What's a good way to get your mind off of something so you can concentrate?

[Inquartata]

Gin, gin and---er, no, I have a better idea...


Play that hanging game so popular with teens these days. Just until you pass out, of course. This will reboot your brain, you see.

Should I clean my house or do yard work when I get home from work today?

[akaiyuki]

Clean your house and move all the trash out to the yard.

New ink for my printer is just as expensive as getting the same but new printer with new ink in it. Should I just get new ink or get a new printer?

[Inquartata]

Neither. You should just drill an inkwell in your back yard. Keep trying until you hit a gusher. Then you will have free ink.

What should I have for supper?

[Have At You]

A piece of bread and some wine, but skip the ghoulish commentary...

(I've never heard a person actually say the word "supper" in a non-churchy context. Do people really say that? It's "dinner" around here.)


How do I calm a colicky baby?

[I_luv_saber]

Hyland colick tablets have always worked wonders for my family.
Alternatively...

3 words - Death... Metal... Lullaby.

Should I look into Airhitch?

[cornflower]

Hyland colick tablets have always worked wonders for my family.
Alternatively...

3 words - Death... Metal... Lullaby.

Should I look into Airhitch?

Go right ahead. While you're at it, why don't you give them all of your credit card numbers and personal information.

What shall I do about my raging diarrhea?

[I_luv_saber]

Practice lunging! Sure to fix your problem! (extra long lunges!)

What's a good way to fight fatigue from long flights?

[tehcow]

Pretend to be your alternate account, THUG. They'll admire that persona as much as you do, I am sure.

Mate, if only I was THUG. I think that would just about make me the most awesome guy I've ever known. That man has inspired me to become the biggest white rapper since Weird Al.

What's a good way to fight fatigue from long flights?

Using a gun. If you don't have a gun try a spear or a garlic.


I think my friends are trying to poison me with Thallium. What should i do?

[Louweasel]

Go back to Mother Russia and ask Putin to forgive you for defecting. EVerything will be fine.

I am just making/writing my christmas cards and have a deep fear I will forget someone important. How can I avoid such a faux pas?

[D'Art]

Don't send any. That way you can legitimately say that you didn't forget them, you just ignored them.

How do I tidy the house without moving off my lazy butt?

[Inquartata]

Divert a river through it, o King of Elis. I am too busy to come and do it for you again.

What shall I have for my midday repast?

[Go? Fencing?]

Some nails washed down with brake fluid.

I need someone to write me a recommendation, but I basically need it today. How do I ask them to do it?

[magic_moose]

Since it is now tomorrow, you can forget about it because you don't need it anymore.

How do I keep my cat from eating anything and everything that remotely resembles food on the kitchen counter?

[scrapinpeg]

Enclose your kitchen counter with a floor-to-ceiling web of razor wire. Cover the floor of your kitchen with loaded spring rat traps. Then stitch your cat's mouth shut, just to be safe.




How do I stop worrying and learn to love the bomb?

[magic_moose]

Get a firm grip on your precious bodily fluids

What is the best way to eat half a country ham left over from Thanksgiving?

[Inquartata]

Invite Mauler to dinner. Of course, he might eat you, too. And your pets. And your potted plants.

How do I avoid getting the stomach bug going around at work?

[Louweasel]

Go postal in your office with an automatic weapon.

How do I raise myself out of my current sad jaded mentally exhausted mood?