11-20-2006, 02:37 PM
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#961 | | Curmudgeon-in-Chief
Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Somewhere in your nightmares!
Posts: 23,538
| First, decide what pistol you are going to carry. Then decide where you will wear it. Then get back to me.
How do we put Louweasel's mind to rest about Sabreur's good opinion?
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Use the Shift key, people! Keyboard manufacturers everywhere are ineffably saddened when you ignore what they made just for you!
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11-21-2006, 12:28 AM
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#962 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Australia
Posts: 397
| Get him to send her pictures of himself.
I've got some spare bricks from some imaginary building project. What should I do with them? | |
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11-21-2006, 08:17 AM
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#963 | | Immortal
Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Heidelberg, GE
Posts: 5,454
| Throw them at an imaginary Kat.
It's raining, and I want to go to the gym, but I don't want to get wet. What to do?
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Why sabre? Because you don't take heads with the point.
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11-21-2006, 10:38 AM
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#964 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Passing you on the inside... vroom
Posts: 1,299
| You know those big fire-belching canisters they use to keep hot-air balloons aloft? Strap one to your head, and turn it on as you leave the house. All incoming water droplets will be safely vaporized before reaching you, as you walk to the gym.
I want the glamour and luxury that comes with a typical college degree, but don't want the degree itself. How best to achieve this?
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Freedom of speech makes it easier to spot the idiots.
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11-21-2006, 01:34 PM
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#965 | | Sr. Spirits Inspector
Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Florida
Posts: 2,137
| Simply follow in the steps of Mr. Bill Cosby, (I know he actually did graduate but stick with me here), get yourself on a television show which stays on the air for about 30 or 40 years, do comedy clubs, and comedy specials and universities with bestow multitudes of honorary degrees upon you!!!
How can I survive mandatory shopping on this coming Friday?
__________________ "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. "So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" — Possom Lodge Motto | 
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11-21-2006, 04:13 PM
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#966 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: SLC, Utah
Posts: 446
| If waiting in line before a store opens, strap any and/or all swords and knives you have and strap them to yourself. Randomly pull one and practice lunges, or quick parries. People will clear out of your way.
Or just call in a bomb threat and go in S.W.A.T. gear to get the items you want. (see Oceans Eleven)
How should I move two cars across the country with only one moving van and no spare drivers?
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I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but you appear to be unarmed.
"It's a sword. It is not supposed to be safe" - Death "Terry Pratchett's Hogfather"
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11-21-2006, 04:31 PM
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#967 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Reading, UK
Posts: 300
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Originally Posted by Windsetter  How should I move two cars across the country with only one moving van and no spare drivers? | Post them. Simple, effective, and they may even arrive. Even better trust them to a couple of college students for a drug adled a road trip.
I need to write a presentation on something non-technical by tommorow for a "communication skills" course. Any ideas? | |
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11-21-2006, 04:43 PM
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#968 | | Senior Member
Join Date: May 2003 Location: UK
Posts: 1,565
| Write a presentation on lipstick.
Conversational topics for Saturday's blind date?
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Louweasel
"I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from" [Eddie Izzard]
"she might not look like much, kid, but she's got it where it counts"
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11-21-2006, 06:36 PM
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#969 | | Epee fencing addict
Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Glenwood, ny
Posts: 2,301
| Parasites found in your biology lab animal's disected stomach.
Best way to get someone "in the mood"?
__________________
One test is worth a thousand opinions.
I ain't as good as I once was, but I'm as good once as I ever was. - Toby Keith
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo | |
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11-21-2006, 06:49 PM
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#970 | | Senior Member
Join Date: May 2003 Location: UK
Posts: 1,565
| Just say "Brace yourself, darlin'!"
And what should you talk about afterwards?
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Louweasel
"I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from" [Eddie Izzard]
"she might not look like much, kid, but she's got it where it counts"
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11-21-2006, 08:57 PM
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#971 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Under the sea
Posts: 2,812
| How amazing he was. He loved it when you told him the ceiling was needing painted.......
How to I interest a female who doesn't have a boyfriend, instead of having the taken ones liking me?
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I AM the walrus
I'm not grumpy - I suffer from stupidity rage
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11-22-2006, 04:24 AM
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#972 | | Immortal
Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Heidelberg, GE
Posts: 5,454
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Originally Posted by D'Art How to I interest a female who doesn't have a boyfriend, instead of having the taken ones liking me? | Try flirting with the ones who are single, rather than the ones who have boyfriends...
Or... you can tattoo the words "Single and looking" on your forehead. That's sure to attract single women....
I'm thinking about getting a new tattoo. Any suggestions?
(And "single and looking" on my forehead is a trivial response!)
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Why sabre? Because you don't take heads with the point.
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11-22-2006, 04:36 AM
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#973 | | Épéeist Hive Queen
Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Sweden
Posts: 12,759
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Originally Posted by sabreur I'm thinking about getting a new tattoo. Any suggestions? | "I love foil!" on your chest.  
Any suggestions on how to sneak off from work (and go home to go back to sleep) without being noticed?
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Fencing is my only PvP. | |
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11-22-2006, 07:36 AM
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#974 | | Immortal
Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Heidelberg, GE
Posts: 5,454
| Use your invisibility cloak of chameleons! Make sure you leave a simulcrum of yourself at your desk, so no one notices you are gone.
My fantasy life is intruding into reality again... what should I do?
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Why sabre? Because you don't take heads with the point.
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11-22-2006, 01:19 PM
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#975 | | Curmudgeon-in-Chief
Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Somewhere in your nightmares!
Posts: 23,538
| Aversive therapy. Instead of picturing Louweasel in that black leather catsuit, picture Camilla Parker-Bowles in it instead. Or Margaret Thatcher. Or maybe Dame Edna. ( Yes, I know---Australian. )
How do I get a co-worker to stop absent-mindedly singing off-key children's songs at work? ( Because he really shouldn't be singing. Anything. Period.  )
__________________
Use the Shift key, people! Keyboard manufacturers everywhere are ineffably saddened when you ignore what they made just for you!
Last edited by Inquartata; 11-22-2006 at 01:23 PM.
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11-22-2006, 01:56 PM
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#976 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Passing you on the inside... vroom
Posts: 1,299
| Every time he starts singing, join in and sing REALLY FREAKING LOUD!!! SCREAM THE BLOODY LYRICS INSANELY!!!
Stop when he stops.
When he starts up again, SCREAM THOSE LYRICS LIKE AN ANNOYING FENCER WITH NIGHTCLUB HEARING LOSS!!!!!
Repeat as needed.
I keep having the same dream every night, where there are seven obese cows, little children of all races are playing together, I catch them as they fall out of a wheat field or something, and then Banquo's horses turn and eat each other. What should I do about it?
__________________
Freedom of speech makes it easier to spot the idiots.
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11-23-2006, 12:53 AM
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#977 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Australia
Posts: 397
| It's really quite simple. The obese cows represent seven of your closest friends and what they are becoming through their poor lifestyle choices. The children of diferent races are in fact not children, but the various varieties of chocolates your friends have been eating too much of. You must catch these chocolates before they fall out of the 'wheat field' (factory) and turn your friends into obese cows. Therefore God is telling you your purpose in life: chocolate factory terrorist. The horses represent your own cannibalistic desires. You freak. You disgust me.
I'm going to a concert tonight with two friends who have been together for two years. I think there might be parents and other relatives there two. What should I do to prevent it getting awkward? | |
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11-23-2006, 11:49 AM
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#978 | | Curmudgeon-in-Chief
Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Somewhere in your nightmares!
Posts: 23,538
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Originally Posted by tehcow I'm going to a concert tonight with two friends who have been together for two years. I think there might be parents and other relatives there two. What should I do to prevent it getting awkward? | Pretend to be your alternate account, THUG. They'll admire that persona as much as you do, I am sure. 
How do I suppress my snarky instinct? ( Just for the holiday, you understand. )
__________________
Use the Shift key, people! Keyboard manufacturers everywhere are ineffably saddened when you ignore what they made just for you!
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11-23-2006, 06:16 PM
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#979 | | Epee fencing addict
Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Glenwood, ny
Posts: 2,301
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Originally Posted by Inquartata How do I suppress my snarky instinct? ( Just for the holiday, you understand. ) | Go to the local toy store and jump into a bin loaded with Care Bears, Tele-Tubbies, and Tickle-me-Elmos and roll around for about a half-hour. Cute-and-cuddly should rub off on you and last just about through the holidays.
Or, it might kill you. 
How do I get women to realize that I'm nearsighted and just trying to read the catchy phrase on their tee-shirts and not leering at their chests?
__________________
One test is worth a thousand opinions.
I ain't as good as I once was, but I'm as good once as I ever was. - Toby Keith
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo | |
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11-24-2006, 03:17 PM
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#980 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2000 Location: Michigan
Posts: 606
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Originally Posted by parrythis How do I get women to realize that I'm nearsighted and just trying to read the catchy phrase on their tee-shirts and not leering at their chests? | Reach out and touch them saying that, "I'm near sighted, and I read in braille."
What should I tell my wife what I want for Christmas?
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Member of Bob Anderson's fan club.
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