11-09-2006, 03:42 PM
|
#921 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Passing you on the inside... vroom
Posts: 1,299
| Quote:
Originally Posted by Inquartata  How do I get out of Lodi? | Depends on which Lodi you're in. In India, locate the nearest militant nationalist and say you're an American with the Peace Corps and you're here to solve all their problems, starting with openness to Islam and freeing Kashmir. You will soon be peacefully escorted out of town.
In Ohio, go to the intersection of I-76 and I-71. Stand in the middle of the exchange waving a big sign saying "take me out of here!" and jump in front of passing double-length tractor trailers to make sure they notice you. One will gladly give you a lift to the land of Cleve, or somewhere equally palatable.
In New Jersey, go to the nearest strip mall. Locate the dumpsters out back, and wait for the trash guys to come pick it up. As soon as they arrive, forcefully insist that this is not their route any more, and they'd better go home and leave their truck with you, if they know what's good for them. This is local code for being "hip" and "with it" in the New Jersey "in crowd," and they will happily give you a lift to a cool place in Virginia where there are tons of seagulls even though it's hundreds of miles from the sea. You will be one of an elite few, congratulations.
In California, start singing that darnn CCR song, over and over, until you are run out of town. It's for the best.
When purchasing heroin in bulk, how do I ensure that I am paying a fair price when there is no commodities market indicator upon which to rely?
__________________
Freedom of speech makes it easier to spot the idiots.
| 
|  | | And now for this message... |
| |
11-09-2006, 03:44 PM
|
#922 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,326
| Quote:
Originally Posted by Inquartata
How do I get out of Lodi?
| Firstly, a correction: The plural of "Lodus" is NOT spelled with an "i." That's a common misconception. It's actually "Loduses."
Basically, you've got to be very aggressive in your consumption of your Loduses. You can't just take a few every so often and expect them to run out -- they reproduce very quickly. It takes effort to get out of Loduses. Crank it up!
...
My 15-year-old terrier is losing his sense of smell. Any suggestions on how to compensate so he'll enjoy eating more?
Last edited by Sciurus-Rex; 11-09-2006 at 06:39 PM.
| |
| | |
11-09-2006, 08:39 PM
|
#923 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Australia
Posts: 397
| Quote:
Originally Posted by scrapinpeg When purchasing heroin in bulk, how do I ensure that I am paying a fair price when there is no commodities market indicator upon which to rely? | Sample a small amount of said heroin, and compare the resulting effect with the symptoms of prescription drugs which if you are not already very familiar with, will need to be so quickly. Assign a rating to the different batches of heroin with a letter and the year in which you gave it said rating. Compile a list with the rated heroin and organise some kind of competition to work out how good your ratings are. Then compare the prices somehow and obviously this solution completely solves your problem. Quote:
Originally Posted by Sciurus-Rex My 15-year-old terrier is losing his sense of smell. Any suggestions on how to compensate so he'll enjoy eating more? | Try pasting photos of sexy female terriers to the bottom of his bowl. Place viagra around the house to get the hint across. Set a trail of Play***** centrefolds en route to said bowl, and he should be getting more than a little hot under the collar. (Oh please kill me now.)
While excavating under my backyard I discovered an ancient animal graveyard. I haven't told anyone else about it yet. What should I do? | |
| | |
11-10-2006, 03:25 PM
|
#924 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Passing you on the inside... vroom
Posts: 1,299
| Quote:
Originally Posted by tehcow While excavating under my backyard I discovered an ancient animal graveyard. I haven't told anyone else about it yet. What should I do? | Track down the family that lived in your house before you. Dump all the remains unceremoniously in their front yard and scream bloody murder from the sidewalk that they collect their filthy trash. Make sure the children, who had tearfully and lovingly buried those pets, receive special attention from your screaming rant, because by gum they need to learn to take responsibility for their actions!
How do I rein in my brilliance, so as not to demoralize those around me who must necessarily suffer from the knowledge that they will never be as accomplished as I?
__________________
Freedom of speech makes it easier to spot the idiots.
| |
| | |
11-10-2006, 06:53 PM
|
#925 | | Senior Member
Join Date: May 2003 Location: UK
Posts: 1,565
| Don't bother; just flaunt it. The lesser mortals will cope!
I've been working too hard - how should I hide my eyebags?
__________________
Louweasel
"I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from" [Eddie Izzard]
"she might not look like much, kid, but she's got it where it counts"
| |
| | |
11-10-2006, 06:57 PM
|
#926 | | Immortal
Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Heidelberg, GE
Posts: 5,454
| Quote:
Originally Posted by Louweasel I've been working too hard - how should I hide my eyebags? | Become a mime--that white pancake covers anything!
How can I make the next ten days or so fly by?
__________________
Why sabre? Because you don't take heads with the point.
| |
| | |
11-11-2006, 08:32 AM
|
#927 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Fresno, California
Posts: 2,287
| Book a bunch of flying lessons, enough time slots to fill 10 days.
What's the best way to get a job in a hotel in Hungary?
__________________
"I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it."
"Thought crime does not entail death: thought crime is death."
| |
| | |
11-12-2006, 02:50 PM
|
#928 | | Curmudgeon-in-Chief
Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Somewhere in your nightmares!
Posts: 23,538
| Buda-Pester them incessantly about it. 
Or marry Paris Hilton. 
How do I make Akaiyuki get over her Inq-shyness? 
__________________
Use the Shift key, people! Keyboard manufacturers everywhere are ineffably saddened when you ignore what they made just for you!
| |
| | |
11-15-2006, 12:09 AM
|
#929 | | Epee fencing addict
Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Glenwood, ny
Posts: 2,301
| Send her pictures of yourself in the hot tub.
How do I get get Donald Trump to adopt me?
__________________
One test is worth a thousand opinions.
I ain't as good as I once was, but I'm as good once as I ever was. - Toby Keith
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo | |
| | |
11-15-2006, 02:56 AM
|
#930 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Australia
Posts: 397
| Get a lot of cosmetic surgery, stretch out your legs on a rack, get blonde hair transplants and tell him you think that incest would be good for hair regrowth.
I think my nextdoor neighbour is running a brothel (next to my house). What should I do? | |
| | |
11-15-2006, 03:49 AM
|
#931 | | Immortal
Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Heidelberg, GE
Posts: 5,454
| Frequent it and tip lavishly! You'll have wonderful relations with your neighbors!
Ahem.....
How do I store the sunshine that is wasted when I'm in the office during the day, and release it in the morning and evening when I could benefit from it?
__________________
Why sabre? Because you don't take heads with the point.
| |
| | |
11-15-2006, 02:02 PM
|
#932 | | Epee fencing addict
Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Glenwood, ny
Posts: 2,301
| Quote:
Originally Posted by sabreur How do I store the sunshine that is wasted when I'm in the office during the day, and release it in the morning and evening when I could benefit from it? | This one is easy. Since you're in the office and commuting for probably 9 hours a day, what you're looking to do is delay the arrival of the sunlight by that much time. Since light travels at approximately 186,000 miles per second, go out and purchase a bundle of optical fiber 6,026,400,000 miles long. Point one end at the sun and point the other end at yourself when you get home from work. The day's sunshine is yours!
How do I make time stand still so I can oversleep and still get to work on time?
__________________
One test is worth a thousand opinions.
I ain't as good as I once was, but I'm as good once as I ever was. - Toby Keith
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo | |
| | |
11-16-2006, 12:48 PM
|
#933 | | Curmudgeon-in-Chief
Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Somewhere in your nightmares!
Posts: 23,538
| Quote:
Originally Posted by parrythis
How do I make time stand still so I can oversleep and still get to work on time?
| Volunteer to be a test subject for secretive government genetic testing programs, in the hopes of developing powers like those of the Japanese guy on "Heroes". Alternatively, ask Gort.
How do I go to a tournament Saturday at 1 pm and still make practice ( which starts at 2 )?
__________________
Use the Shift key, people! Keyboard manufacturers everywhere are ineffably saddened when you ignore what they made just for you!
| |
| | |
11-16-2006, 03:51 PM
|
#934 | | Immortal
Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Heidelberg, GE
Posts: 5,454
| Quote:
Originally Posted by Inquartata How do I go to a tournament Saturday at 1 pm and still make practice ( which starts at 2 )? | Tank the pool, get eliminated quickly and drive like hell.
I suffered from muppet disease at training yesterday--how do I ensure that I don't get it again?
__________________
Why sabre? Because you don't take heads with the point.
| |
| | |
11-16-2006, 04:04 PM
|
#935 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Passing you on the inside... vroom
Posts: 1,299
| Quote:
Originally Posted by sabreur I suffered from muppet disease at training yesterday--how do I ensure that I don't get it again? | Sadly, there is no known cure. However, there are medications that limit the symptoms of googly eyes, unusual speaking voice, and the skin condition that makes you look like you're made out of felt or foam rubber. Consult a specialist at Jim Henson Studios Recovery Clinic, or a local toddler.
What is the best way to reward an employee for showing up and simply doing his job?
__________________
Freedom of speech makes it easier to spot the idiots.
| |
| | |
11-16-2006, 04:19 PM
|
#936 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: 40D 34' 7.046" N by 74D 26' 23.503" W
Posts: 765
| Quote:
Originally Posted by scrapinpeg What is the best way to reward an employee for showing up and simply doing his job? | Give them more work than they could possibly handle until they fall over from a panic attack. Then thank them by dousing them with alcohol. Repeat.
What is the best day to take off from work?
__________________
Don't take life so seriously... You'll never live through it.
| |
| | |
11-17-2006, 06:08 AM
|
#937 | | Immortal
Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Heidelberg, GE
Posts: 5,454
| Quote:
Originally Posted by counter riposte What is the best day to take off from work? | The day after you win the lottery--until then, don't take any days off--work as much overtime as you can and invest all your pay in lottery tickets.
How do I win the lottery when I refuse to actually buy a ticket?
__________________
Why sabre? Because you don't take heads with the point.
| |
| | |
11-17-2006, 07:19 AM
|
#938 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Fresno, California
Posts: 2,287
| Rob a convenience store of all it's lottery tickets. Continue to hit multiple stores until the winning ticket is found. This way there is also the possibility you will obtain the same amount you would have won through the lottery simply by robbing enough stores!
What's the best way to learn to ice skate?
__________________
"I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it."
"Thought crime does not entail death: thought crime is death."
| |
| | |
11-17-2006, 07:25 AM
|
#939 | | Senior Member
Join Date: May 2003 Location: UK
Posts: 1,565
| Get dropped off at one end of a very large remote frozen lake (zilverzmurfen should be able to help with this) with nothing but a pair of skates to get you bck to civilisation and avoid starvation/frostbite. Then you will be forced to learn!
How do I cope with lack of sleep when I havent got a day off work until next Friday?
__________________
Louweasel
"I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from" [Eddie Izzard]
"she might not look like much, kid, but she's got it where it counts"
| |
| | |
