11-06-2006, 06:23 PM
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#901 | | Curmudgeon-in-Chief
Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Somewhere in your nightmares!
Posts: 23,752
| Well, it's mostly rooster feathers, I should think. ( There is a more salacious version, as you can imagine. )
How can I best avoid the rush-hour traffic on my way home?
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Use the Shift key, people! Keyboard manufacturers everywhere are ineffably saddened when you ignore what they made just for you!
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11-06-2006, 10:54 PM
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#902 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 858
| Lights and sirens are best. So you should therefore:
1. Locate the police station closest to your office.
2. Drive there.
3. From a nearby pay phone, call in a bomb threat. Say it's a fertilizer bomb in a random vehicle, and it's traveling on the road you plan to take, in the direction you plan to be going.
3. When the cops tear out with their lights and sirens on, tuck in behind one of them.
4. Speed home as they part traffic in front of you like the red sea.
5. Repeat this every workday. The cops won't mind. They love to get out in the fresh air and drive fast.
For dinner tomorrow, I'm serving some peppered asparagus in truffle oil, followed by fettucine tossed with prosciutto and capers in two pounds of parmagiano (until the cheese turns into a sauce), followed by a baked brie with cranberries inside the crust. What wine should I serve my guests?
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"What did I tell you about being stupid? You don't get a birthday this year."
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11-06-2006, 11:10 PM
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#903 | | Sr. Spirits Inspector
Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Florida
Posts: 2,181
| Serve both a white (Boone's Farm Apple) and a red (Mogan David-MD 20/20) these will set off the wonderful food you intend to prepare.
What cheese should I put in my grilled cheese sandwich.
__________________ "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. "So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" — Possom Lodge Motto | |
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11-07-2006, 03:37 PM
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#904 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: SLC, Utah
Posts: 450
| Feta and/or bleu, nuff said.
How can I keep up enthusiasm at the beginning of a work week?
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I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but you appear to be unarmed.
"It's a sword. It is not supposed to be safe" - Death "Terry Pratchett's Hogfather"
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11-07-2006, 04:08 PM
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#905 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Mass/ct
Posts: 3,226
| Tell your wife how you feel about her mother... and once the fight is over the make up sex is a great way to keep spirits up!!!
Should i take this 500 level education class at Smith next semester (i am a first year student at umass lol) | |
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11-07-2006, 04:31 PM
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#906 | | Curmudgeon-in-Chief
Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Somewhere in your nightmares!
Posts: 23,752
| Quote:
Originally Posted by melihop  Should i take this 500 level education class at Smith next semester (i am a first year student at umass lol) | No. "Nothing worth learning can ever be taught." In fact, you should drop out of school and go ride the rails for a few years. You'll find out all you ever need to know about life that way.
How do I ward off the dentist? I seem to be spending an awful lot of time in his chair of late; maybe he's deliberately spraying acid on my teeth or something...
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Use the Shift key, people! Keyboard manufacturers everywhere are ineffably saddened when you ignore what they made just for you!
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11-07-2006, 04:38 PM
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#907 | | Senior Member
Join Date: May 2003 Location: UK
Posts: 1,565
| Quote:
Originally Posted by Inquartata
How do I ward off the dentist? I seem to be spending an awful lot of time in his chair of late; maybe he's deliberately spraying acid on my teeth or something...
| Garlic and a crucifix. I don't mind dentists in principle; just the bills.
(as an aside, I quote to you a lyric from fine british rock band the Kaiser Chiefs - "sucks more blood than a backstreet dentist")
What should I do to stay calm when i give evidence in court on friday?
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Louweasel
"I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from" [Eddie Izzard]
"she might not look like much, kid, but she's got it where it counts"
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11-07-2006, 05:01 PM
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#908 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Mass/ct
Posts: 3,226
| steal a gun and go to the pharmacy, take a pack of pills of all different colors (even the little blue ones!) and when you start to get nervous, take one. Be sure not to eat, a just swallow them with your choice of high quality alcoholic beverage
i lost the diamond and saphire necklace my brothjers gave me last christmas.... what should i do? | |
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11-07-2006, 06:40 PM
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#909 | | Epee fencing addict
Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Glenwood, ny
Posts: 2,325
| Quote:
Originally Posted by melihop i lost the diamond and saphire necklace my brothjers gave me last christmas.... what should i do? | Go to this year's family Christmas gathering naked from the waist down. Trust me! Nobody will notice that you're not wearing the necklace. 
How can I keep my basement dry when it rains?
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One test is worth a thousand opinions.
I ain't as good as I once was, but I'm as good once as I ever was. - Toby Keith
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo | |
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11-08-2006, 01:15 AM
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#910 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Fresno, California
Posts: 2,302
| Be sure the bottom of the house is well sealed, then flip the house upside down. Then all the water gows down to the attic, leaving the basement water-free!
Should I risk buying a last minute plane ticket in January/February/March and save oodles, or be secure and buy a regular ticket?
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"I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it."
"Thought crime does not entail death: thought crime is death."
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11-08-2006, 02:36 AM
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#911 | | Senior Member
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 6,229
| Plane ticket? Are you mad? Jack Air Force One, or an F-16. Then sell it for tons of money, then use the money to bribe God to teleport you to your chosen destination.
What should I do to secure success at the tourny this saturday? | |
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11-08-2006, 12:02 PM
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#912 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Passing you on the inside... vroom
Posts: 1,299
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Originally Posted by ParryRiposte What should I do to secure success at the tourny this saturday? | Bet on the other fellow. Now, either way, you win!
How do I shake the urge to hurl in disgust when my boss proposes yet another harebrained scheme?
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Freedom of speech makes it easier to spot the idiots.
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11-08-2006, 02:31 PM
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#913 | | Curmudgeon-in-Chief
Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Somewhere in your nightmares!
Posts: 23,752
| Quote:
Originally Posted by scrapinpeg
How do I shake the urge to hurl in disgust when my boss proposes yet another harebrained scheme?
| Eat his liver with some fava beans and a fine chianti. In this way you gain all of his power and will become the boss in turn. Continue in this fashion up the ladder until you are CEO.
Do not, however, eat the pointy hair. This is the seat of the Demon of Management, and if you consume it it is you who will be possessed.
How do I learn to relax and love the Bomb?
__________________
Use the Shift key, people! Keyboard manufacturers everywhere are ineffably saddened when you ignore what they made just for you!
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11-08-2006, 04:17 PM
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#914 | | Sr. Spirits Inspector
Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Florida
Posts: 2,181
| Quote:
Originally Posted by Inquartata .... How do I learn to relax and love the Bomb? | Inq, you are da' bomb. No need to relax you are it~!~
How can I get folks to stop making hamster references?
__________________ "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. "So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" — Possom Lodge Motto | |
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11-09-2006, 12:06 AM
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#915 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Australia
Posts: 397
| First step: take over a small island nation on the strength of your accent and green bills.
Second step: attract the notice of worldwide media by declaring your country a nuclear state.
Now with this potent political platform set up, launch a physical ad campaign where you hunt down and nuke anyone who has said or typed the word 'hamster'. You will maintain a database of these people found by wiring phone calls and paying outsourced teams in India to track down online perpetrators. It doesn't matter if you use real nukes or not, as long as they are big, metal and are brightly festooned with symbols for nuclear radiation.
If that doesn't work try a vow of silence.
I have a strange attraction to my friend's cousin. However so does he. How should I break the news to him? | |
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11-09-2006, 12:23 AM
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#916 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 858
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Originally Posted by tehcow I have a strange attraction to my friend's cousin. However so does he. How should I break the news to him? | Put the moves on the cousin in your friend's presence. If circumstances permit, ask the cousin to your place for a nightcap, along with your friend. Get cozy with the cousin until your friend is forced to leave out of politness for two people so obviously intent on getting it on.
What is the best thing to wear on a third date?
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"What did I tell you about being stupid? You don't get a birthday this year."
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11-09-2006, 03:57 AM
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#917 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Fresno, California
Posts: 2,302
| If your lucky, nothing! 
How can I find someone to help me with all the red tape of moving to another country??? 
__________________
"I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it."
"Thought crime does not entail death: thought crime is death."
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11-09-2006, 08:42 AM
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#918 | | Immortal
Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Heidelberg, GE
Posts: 5,488
| Find someone with one of these: http://www.become.com/shop?q=red+tap...kuid=315428259
They'll undoubtedly be happy to help you with red tape.
What's the best way to buy a farm?
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Why sabre? Because you don't take heads with the point.
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11-09-2006, 10:06 AM
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#919 | | Épéeist Hive Queen
Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Sweden
Posts: 12,772
| Quote:
Originally Posted by sabreur What's the best way to buy a farm? | Threat and bribery goes a long way.
What's the best way of having your old training blades rewired without actually having to do it yourself (sigh)?
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Fencing is my only PvP. | |
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11-09-2006, 02:28 PM
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#920 | | Curmudgeon-in-Chief
Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Somewhere in your nightmares!
Posts: 23,752
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