The Thread of Atrocious Advice

[campb1pr]

Should I go to the pub or have an early night?

Have an early night at the pub - everyone loves someone asleep at a table.

EDIT - Darnit - beat again. teach me to take a phone call when doing something important....

How do I convince the WTO to give me a cool job in Geneva?

You want a job at a chocolate factory? Well, ok, I am not sure what the WTO has to do with it, but I would imagine that it takes a good resume, and skills as a confectioner, which you might have to demonstrate by bringing some candy that you made to the interview. As a matter of fact, you might want to suggest that your interview be held in a kitchen so you can prepare some pieces during the interview as a demonstration of your skills, and multi-tasking. Then I would....

What do you mean that Geneva is a city?

It's not a chocolate company?

Godiva?

What's that?




Oh.... never mind.



How do we ban the response "take speed" from this thread?

[Go? Fencing?]

Take speed.

How do I make it go back to Sunday?

[swordwench]

How do I make it go back to Sunday?

I'm sorry, but this just isn't physically possible. If you'd been listening to the lyrics of "Sister Golden Hair" all these years, you'd know that. "Well I tried to make it Sunday but I got so damned depressed that I set my sights on Monday and I got myself undressed..."

How should I cure myself of my obsession with song lyrics?

[mifencer]

How should I cure myself of my obsession with song lyrics?

Take spe.... no better yet, take a black and decker cordless drill, use a 3/8" drill bit, apply the pointy end to your forehead, pull the trigger and press down about 7/8". You'll get rid of most your problems, and you feel good doing so.


Should I eat Korean food or sushi for dinner tonight? (I can't do both, they would start battles in my tummy)

[IHateMrPotatohead]

How about Korean food with a ton of wasabi on it. Your tummy should like that just fine!

How do I get away with doing nothing at work all day, but get a raise?

[Zilverzmurfen]

How do I get away with doing nothing at work all day, but get a raise?

Hey, I never knew you were the US president!


How do we get rid of politicians who do criminal 'acts'?

[Windsetter]

Tell them to say they didn't inhale...

How should I go on vacation?

[scrapinpeg]

Be sure to pack for every eventuality, including black-tie affairs, surfing, skiing, nightclubbing, and embassy balls. Make sure you have a zillion pairs of shoes, and a few big books to read in your leisure time.

Pick up all your bags, walk out the door, close your eyes, and spin around three times. Then open your eyes and start walking in the direction you're facing.

Adventure awaits!




What's the best way to prepare for an embassy ball?

[rac]

It depends on whether it is a fast ball, curve ball or changeup. Good general advice is to take batting practice regularly.




How can I ge motivated to go outside and weed the garden this weekend?

[swordwench]

How can I ge motivated to go outside and weed the garden this weekend?

Hey, I think I dropped an earring in your flowerbed when I was slipping out the back the other night. Can you check for me before your wife finds it?

How can I get diplomatic immunity? I really need it. Fast.

[sabreur]

How can I get diplomatic immunity? I really need it. Fast.

Donate a lot of money to the Republican Party (now that's REALLY atrocious advice).

How do I curb my fantasy life (yes, that kind of fantasy) so I can focus and get some work done?

[Louweasel]

Ditch the work and stick with the fantasy life. This will ensure you are a balanced and welladjusted person with lots of normal friends.

What is a dignified way to react to being unexpectedly given the brush-off via text message after I thought the date went really well (and ended in snogging)?

[sabreur]

In a very dignified manner, you beat the snot out of the cad with a baseball bat (or a cricket bat, in your case).

What are some other ways to deal with people who snog you, then abandon you?

[Zilverzmurfen]

What are some other ways to deal with people who snog you, then abandon you?

Public flogging. Hey, just because it isn't commonly used doesn't mean it doesn't work! 'Should teach them a lesson or two.


How can I get lots of money, enough to quit my job and go fencing touring around the world, and visiting friends in other countries?

[sabreur]

Sell drugs, or rob banks. Just don't tell your friends that INTERPOL is after you.

How do I best avoid a weekly evening teleconference that would just **** my fencing schedule?

[Windsetter]

Record generic response on a CD (or other form of media) and loop them... (what Arnold S. did in the beginning of Last Action Hero...

How do we keep the site from going down on us again?

[scrapinpeg]

How do we keep the site from going down on us again?

Forget its birthday.



How do you keep the site happy?

[I_luv_saber]

Post smiley faces every other word. Misspell everything, punctuate atrociously, and typ lk ur txtng on a cell phn all the tm, lol. Everyone will be happy then.

What's the best way of telling my family the date I plan to move?

[Zilverzmurfen]

What's the best way of telling my family the date I plan to move?

Sending them a postcard from Budapest!

Seriously, people love getting postcards, especially from 'exotic' Europe. They'll be so over-excited they won't even notice you were gone.


What's the best way of withstanding the cold and survive another winter?

[campb1pr]

Ask the US Postal Service to notify them of your change of address.
(hey, it's supposed to be atrocious advice, right?)

edit: Beaten again!


To withstand cold and winter? put on every piece of clothing you own that will fit on your body, and not change clothes until the temperature again approaches summer like ranges.




What's the best way to be able to both pack my office for our move next Tuesday, AND continue to be able to work with my files and other needed things until the actual move?