10-03-2006, 11:58 PM
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#801 | | Question Game Queen
Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Southern Canadia
Posts: 15,599
| Well, like they say, you can't win if you don't play, so the more tickets you but, the better chance you'll have of winning. I'd suggest at least 500 per week.
How do I stop procratinating and get my French essay done? | 
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10-04-2006, 03:29 AM
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#802 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Los Angeles/San Francisco
Posts: 2,005
| Pay someone else to do it.
How do I cure my headache?
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A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
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10-04-2006, 04:54 AM
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#803 | | Immortal
Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Heidelberg, GE
Posts: 5,454
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Originally Posted by akaiyuki How do I cure my headache? | Hit yourself in the head with a hammer--it will feel so much better when you stop.
Or you could follow Warren Zevon's example in Poor, poor pitiful me.
How do I attain full consciousness this morning?
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Why sabre? Because you don't take heads with the point.
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10-04-2006, 02:44 PM
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#804 | | Sr. Spirits Inspector
Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Florida
Posts: 2,137
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Originally Posted by sabreur ...
How do I attain full consciousness this morning? | May I suggest the tried and true -wire your coffee pot to the 220 or better 440 outlet in the house (one can always find one near an electric stove or dryer). After cutting the plug from the coffee maker strip the insulation, wet your hands and insert both wires into the socket. Now if nothing has happened place the entire apparatus into a sink of water being sure to keep any extra out of the actual coffee. Insert your hand -- if able pour coffee -- again if able drink. This should set you up for the day. An added bonus your hair is curled automatically no muss no fuss.
How can I keep friends from sending me those "darling" kitten pictures over and over and over and .....?
__________________ "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. "So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" — Possom Lodge Motto | |
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10-04-2006, 04:10 PM
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#805 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2000 Location: Michigan
Posts: 606
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Originally Posted by rac How can I keep friends from sending me those "darling" kitten pictures over and over and over and .....? | Unhook your computer, throw it in the river, and then dig yourself a bombshelter, sit in there until you die.
How can I get the Tiger's to beat the Yankee's?
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Member of Bob Anderson's fan club.
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10-04-2006, 04:21 PM
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#806 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 544
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Originally Posted by mifencer Unhook your computer, throw it in the river, and then dig yourself a bombshelter, sit in there until you die.
How can I get the Tiger's to beat the Yankee's? |
For the most consistent outcome, you're going to have to make sure every damn Yankee is incapable of playing, one by one. I'm not advocating violence, mind you; blocking the front door of a player's home with an elephant would work, for example, as would taking the tires off his car so he can't drive to the ball park. Get creative! Enjoy yourself!
I recently discovered I have a blood-engorged tick lodged inside my ear. Best treatment to remove it? | |
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10-04-2006, 04:30 PM
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#807 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2000 Location: Michigan
Posts: 606
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Originally Posted by Redblade I recently discovered I have a blood-engorged tick lodged inside my ear. Best treatment to remove it? | I think DHCjr will concur with this advice, use a blow torch. Yup, a blow torch will solve all your problems from getting off tight tips to getting ticks off.
Ok, I hope I just solved my Tiger / Yankee problem. Now for a bigger challenge: how can I get the Detroit Lions to win a game?
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Member of Bob Anderson's fan club.
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10-04-2006, 05:37 PM
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#808 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Los Angeles/San Francisco
Posts: 2,005
| Poison the opposing team.
Should I skip class so I can go to fencing practice?
__________________
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
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10-04-2006, 05:41 PM
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#809 | | Senior Member
Join Date: May 2000 Location: The Reflecting God
Posts: 3,994
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Originally Posted by akaiyuki Poison the opposing team.
Should I skip class so I can go to fencing practice? |
Always ask yourself WWLND? (What would Latenight do?). Answer: Skip both and go clubbing.
Should I go to the first Hurricanes game tonight or show up for my own game?
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A WINNER IS YOU! | |
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10-04-2006, 05:50 PM
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#810 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Los Angeles/San Francisco
Posts: 2,005
| Just go clubbing.
Should I stop eating chocolate for today?
__________________
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
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10-04-2006, 11:24 PM
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#811 | | Senior Member
Join Date: May 2006 Location: Here
Posts: 2,122
| Naaaa.....You can never have too much chocolate.
What WOULD latenight do?
__________________ Quote: |
Originally Posted by IHateMrPotatohead I can't think of anything to put down there! |  | |
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10-04-2006, 11:51 PM
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#812 | | Question Game Queen
Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Southern Canadia
Posts: 15,599
| If you have to ask....
Should I go to bed early to catch up on sleep or play computer games? | |
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10-05-2006, 03:14 AM
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#813 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Los Angeles/San Francisco
Posts: 2,005
| Play computer games. Get some coffee, stay up all night. You'll be happy. 
Should I finally buy my stupid textbooks?
__________________
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
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10-05-2006, 08:45 AM
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#814 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Under the sea
Posts: 2,812
| Nope. Spend all your money on beer, hookers, and playing pool with the local drug dealers.
Should I finally go get my car fixed?
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I AM the walrus
I'm not grumpy - I suffer from stupidity rage
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10-05-2006, 09:12 AM
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#815 | | Curmudgeon-in-Chief
Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Somewhere in your nightmares!
Posts: 23,538
| Why? It will only break down again sooner or later, and in the interim it will drain your wallet for gas, tires and insurance, risk your very LIFE every time you drive it and add greenhouse gases and particle pollutants to the atmosphere, thus adding to the horrid global warming which no less an authority than Al Gore declares will soon DESTROY US ALL!!!
Get a bicycle, you unconscionably selfish enemy of Gaia!
Ahem.
What should I now ask for advice regarding?
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Use the Shift key, people! Keyboard manufacturers everywhere are ineffably saddened when you ignore what they made just for you!
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10-05-2006, 10:11 AM
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#816 | | Senior Member
Join Date: May 2006 Location: Here
Posts: 2,122
| How about How not to be such a jerky curmudgeon.
How should I stay awake on the long drive to Memphis?
__________________ Quote: |
Originally Posted by IHateMrPotatohead I can't think of anything to put down there! | | |
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10-05-2006, 10:54 AM
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#817 | | Curmudgeon-in-Chief
Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Somewhere in your nightmares!
Posts: 23,538
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Originally Posted by IHateMrPotatohead How about How not to be such a jerky curmudgeon. | Bah, it's supposed to be atrocious advice! ( And I challenge you to find any evidence of my being querulous or peevish toward beef jerky! ) Quote:
How should I stay awake on the long drive to Memphis?
| Safety-pin your eyelids to your eyebrows so the former stay open. Eat lots of beans and cabbage on the way, so you remain as uncomfortable as possible.
How can I become famed as the combined Ambrose Bierce-H.L. Mencken of my generation?
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Use the Shift key, people! Keyboard manufacturers everywhere are ineffably saddened when you ignore what they made just for you!
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10-05-2006, 11:41 AM
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#818 | | Sr. Spirits Inspector
Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Florida
Posts: 2,137
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Originally Posted by Inquartata How can I become famed as the combined Ambrose Bierce-H.L. Mencken of my generation? | Ah, simplicity itself:
1. Contact Dr. Frankenstein, Transylvania 555-2000.
2. Unearth your choice of new persona (Menchken or Bierce).
3. Have a close friend hack off your skull and deliver to Mr. Igor.
4. Wake up reanimated and ALIVE!!!!
5. Scare villagers with pitchforks.
6. Hope general decay from reanimation does not foul the newsroom too much.
How can I get my neighbor to paint his house?
__________________ "I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. "So just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the crap out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading."
"Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati (When all else fails play dead)" — Possom Lodge Motto | |
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10-05-2006, 02:30 PM
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#819 | | Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Passing you on the inside... vroom
Posts: 1,299
| Paint it for him, with big spraypainted words like "Paint Me" and "Loser Lives Here"
What's the best way to get elected to Congress at the last minute?
__________________
Freedom of speech makes it easier to spot the idiots.
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10-05-2006, 06:04 PM
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#820 | | Immortal
Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: Heidelberg, GE
Posts: 5,454
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