The Thread of Atrocious Advice

[sabreur]

Well, the cure is to play Russian Roulette with a revolver loaded with silver bullets....

How do I keep the bathtup drain unclogged when I'm shedding?

[Zilverzmurfen]

How do I keep the bathtup drain unclogged when I'm shedding?

Dear Mr. Shedder. The best thing is to get ahead of the problem before it gets to be a problem.

Get a trimmer and carefully shave your entire body. It's a good thing if you can time your shedding/shaving with springtime, the wildlife birds will have much use for your fur when nesting.

Alternatively, may I suggest Veet?


How can I extend my holidays and not have to go back to work on Monday..?

[OROD]

Get a trimmer and carefully shave your entire body.....

Damnit, you beat me to it... I was just about to suggest the same thing.

How can I extend my holidays and not have to go back to work on Monday..?

Send your boss a note explaining what a jackass he is... and that you left him a "surprise" in his desk drawer.

Q: When I get pulled over by the cops, what's the best way to impress them and get out of a ticket?

.

[sabreur]

Watch the Dave Chapelle skit about "How not to get beat up by the cops" and do the opposite....

What's the quickest way to the airport?

[campb1pr]

In a plane, of course.

What's the best way to paint a 10 story office building?

[Inquartata]

I warn you, this is going to be in very bad taste.

























With a paint-filled 727.


How can DFP get a girl?

[IHateMrPotatohead]

There's no advice for that. It's just impossible. Plastic surgery and a personality makeover maybe?


How can I clean my house faster?

[Sciurus-Rex]

There's no advice for that. It's just impossible. Plastic surgery and a personality makeover maybe?


How can I clean my house faster?

Have you considered consuming large amounts of stimulant drugs? Hype yourself up on something speedy and the rest of the day will pass in a blur.

* * *

I need to keep track of my daughter on her many, many dates. Best advice, please?

[sabreur]

I need to keep track of my daughter on her many, many dates. Best advice, please?

Microchip her. With a chip you can track by satellite.

How do you best balance a sabre?

[gtmac]

Microchip her. With a chip you can track by satellite.

How do you best balance a sabre?

Given the evil and vexing nature of saber, I'd say to place them on Sir Bedevere's largest scales with a duck on the other side. Either that or build a bridge out of it.

What do I tell airport security when they ask me what's in my fencing bag?

[sabreur]

What do I tell airport security when they ask me what's in my fencing bag?

Highly volatile liquids--they'll leave you alone then....

How can I get the weather to cool down?

[Zilverzmurfen]

How can I get the weather to cool down?

You can't, you need to travel north...


How can I teach my budgies to do some household chores while I'm away at work/shopping/gaming/etc?

[Morion]

Buy about 10,000 more and let them loose in your house. Just by random actions they should have your house spotless by the time you get home.

How can I pick the right 6 numbers for the lottery?

[Sciurus-Rex]

How can I teach my budgies to do some household chores while I'm away at work/shopping/gaming/etc?

Oh, this is great! I was just talking to a professional budgie trainer the other day about this same topic!

It's a long process, but I'll try to outline it as simply as I can. (For more info, go to http://www.budgies.org/ ) What you have to do first is establish your primacy over the budgies and clarify your "alpha bird" status. The quickest way usually involves eating some of the bird feed first or physically bumping the other budgies away from the female during mating season. After that, they'll be ready to follow you anywhere and mimic your actions. So you'll want to start with simple processes, such as picking up lint off the floor (which they may use to make nests) or dropping dirty silverware in the sink. Budgies are surprisingly strong and dextrous, so don't be surprised to see them playing with your sheets, too, when you make your bed. After each task, you should put down a bit of bird seed, bread crumbs or a steak (medium-rare) as a reward treat. In about three weeks you'll start to notice the budgie "pack" performing these jobs on their own, reinforced by random food rewards and your praise (short whistles and humming Barry White tunes help).

If you notice the behaviors fading over time, you can either reinforce the training, or teach your cat to take over using the budgies themselves as reward.

* * *

Ooops. I just ralizd that th lttr ' ' on my kyboard no longr works. What should I do?

[Zasha]

take a sharpie and write them on your computer screen as type your post.

how can i get along better with my roommate?

[Zilverzmurfen]

how can i get along better with my roommate?

Grab a hatchet and hack her/him in pieces. Dead (wo)men don't talk and will hence never disagree with you.


How can I bypass the 'you must spread some more rep around first blah blah blah'?

[Morion]

Simple! Never give out any rep.

Since it wasn't answered before: How do I chose the correct 6 numbers for the lottery?

[parrythis]

Go to the local news stand and ask... (you have to be quite specific about this) for tomorrow's newspaper. Look up the lottery results from the previous day. Go buy a ticket for those numbers. WINNER!!!

How do I stop all that annoying pornography spam from coming to my e-mail inbox?

[akaiyuki]

Open them, and click on links that you see which will lead you to their site. From there, try to find out how to unsubscribe.

What should I do to prepare for my next fencing tournament?

[Black Jeebus]

Doughnuts, lots and lots of doughnuts. Go live at Krispy Kreme for a few weeks, and once you can eat like three dozen doughnuts at one time, only then will you be ready.

What's a good way to let a girl know you like her?