The Thread of Atrocious Advice

[needle]

What's the best way to sneak a nap while at work?

Reserve a conference room for a meeting, don't invite anyone, post a sign "Important meeting, keep quiet, don't interrupt" on the door and take a nap.

How do I get my knee to stop hurting?

[poor_nizzie]

Edited for lateness:
Tell your knee that if it doesn't stop hurting, it's going in the timeout corner and no TV for a week.

What's the best way to lose, say, five pounds/2.27 kg?

[Fencergrl]

Amphetamines are your friend… speed, crack, cocaine… whatever you can find. Those stories you hear are probably exaggerated.

Is there a surefire method for getting taller?

[Sciurus-Rex]

Is there a surefire method for getting taller?

A full-body tattoo of a tall person. It'll run you about $7,500 total, but it's totally worth it.

* * *

I'm hearing voices again. Should I listen to what they're telling me to do?

[purpzeyFCLI]

Yes. Everyday, twice a day, hang upside down from your ankles in your closet for at least 1 hour.

I need financial aid to assist me in paying for law school. How do I get it?

[IHateMrPotatohead]

Duh. Rob a bank or two. That should do the trick.


How do I find time to get more excercise?

[purpzeyFCLI]

Well, take any time you use for eating, I mean literally all of it, and then excersize then. You're bound to be in better shape b/c you're not eating and you are excersizing. It's a double-whammy.

I keep having dreams about my ex-girlfriends, and they're not negative, I always wake up pissed and in a daze. How do I stop this?

[campb1pr]

Go find the ex-girlfriends, and offer to sleep with them, if they will get out of your dreams. Girls love this kind of behavior!

How do I keep my pet grizzly from mauling my kids when they tease her with a stun gun?

[sabreur]

Take away the stun gun.... what do you need kids for anyway?

How should I cook my steak tomorrow?

[QueenofSwords89]

Raw or burnt to a crisp. Depends which end of the spectrum you prefer.

How can I skip school without getting in trouble?

[campb1pr]

make sure to write the principal (or professor, depending on age) a note to explain why you feel you need the day off. Most administrators are very understanding about such stuff.

How should I get my name stenciled on my new(ish) gear?

[QueenofSwords89]

Spray-paint it on yourself, and type up a few hundred copies of notes to referees apologizing for your messy name stenciling, and give some excuse. Then distribute the note at all the tournaments you go to.

What should my training plan for the new fencing year be?

[Morion]

Serious alcohol consumption and lots of television!

What is the best way to shorten your wait at airline security?

[latenight]

Serious alcohol consumption and lots of television!

What is the best way to shorten your wait at airline security?

Pull a gun, you'll be out of the line in no time.


How do you get glitter out of blankets?

[campb1pr]

EDIT FOR BEING LATE:
kick the stripper out of your bed.


To Morion's Q:
Quietly tell the closest security guard about the dead dog in your back pocket, and then produce a Pound Puppy. They love the joke! They'll wave you through because they are laughing so hard.



How do I get that cute waitress to notice me when I am out to dinner with my wife?

[Sciurus-Rex]

How do I get that cute waitress to notice me when I am out to dinner with my wife?

Getting anyone to notice you, regardless of who you're with, isn't really a problem. Putting a whole, roasted chicken on your head, for example, and screaming, "I'm Richard Nixon's love child!" will usually get the job done.

However, I understand the special circumstances to which you're referring: Cute waitress are particularly immune to attention-grabbing behavior. In that case, you've got to go the extra step and actually set yourself on fire. (Make sure your health insurance is paid up first!) The roasted chicken on your head is still required, although any edible fowl will suffice.

I'd ask why you want her attention, but that's really none of my business.

* * *

I'm having a hard time finding an athletic cup large enough for me. Any suggestions?

[parrythis]

I'm having a hard time finding an athletic cup large enough for me. Any suggestions?

That's easy. Have several inches of your equipment surgically removed. To save money, visit your local butcher shop. Before engaging the butcher's blade, you might want to take a couple of swigs of whiskey and bite down on a bullet.


What should I do for a hangover?

[Sciurus-Rex]

What should I do for a hangover?

That depends largely on what's hanging, and over what. Any more info available?

* * *

In the meantime, I need a bit of help: I've dropped my wallet in the wild dingo cage at my local zoo, and I'm not sure about the best way to retrieve it. Suggestions?

[Fencergrl]

That's easy. Have several inches of your equipment surgically removed. To save money, visit your local butcher shop. Before engaging the butcher's blade, you might want to take a couple of swigs of whiskey and bite down on a bullet.


What should I do for a hangover?

Your above advice works nicely... you'll quickly forget about a night's drinking. It also helps prevent a hangover. The Bobitt solution cures many aliments.

I don't want to work anymore. What would be the best way to achieve this?

Edit:

In the meantime, I need a bit of help: I've dropped my wallet in the wild dingo cage at my local zoo, and I'm not sure about the best way to retrieve it. Suggestions?

Dangle the cut off piece of your unit at the wild dingos then make a run for it.

[Sciurus-Rex]

I forget what I've done or where I've been on nights of a full moon. What's up with that?