Reserve a conference room for a meeting, don't invite anyone, post a sign "Important meeting, keep quiet, don't interrupt" on the door and take a nap.
How do I get my knee to stop hurting?
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Cross me and you'll find that under this playful boyish exterior beats the heart of a ruthless sadistic maniac. ~Blackadder http://fencingblog.wordpress.com
Edited for lateness:
Tell your knee that if it doesn't stop hurting, it's going in the timeout corner and no TV for a week.
What's the best way to lose, say, five pounds/2.27 kg?
__________________ "Bleeker's mom was possibly attractive once, but now she looks like a Hobbit. You know, the fat one, that was in the Goonies." -Juno MacGuff
Amphetamines are your friend… speed, crack, cocaine… whatever you can find. Those stories you hear are probably exaggerated.
Is there a surefire method for getting taller?
__________________
"But it doesn’t matter cause I’m packing plastic & that’s what makes my life so f'cking fantastic"~ Lily Allen
By the time a woman realizes that her mother was right, she already has a daughter who's convinced she's wrong.
Yes. Everyday, twice a day, hang upside down from your ankles in your closet for at least 1 hour.
I need financial aid to assist me in paying for law school. How do I get it?
__________________
Characteristically, I had been trying too hard, and remembered again that wonderful piece of advice given by a French thinker: Trouve avante de chercher--Valery, it was. Or maybe it was Picasso. There are times when the most practical thing to do is to lie down.
Well, take any time you use for eating, I mean literally all of it, and then excersize then. You're bound to be in better shape b/c you're not eating and you are excersizing. It's a double-whammy.
I keep having dreams about my ex-girlfriends, and they're not negative, I always wake up pissed and in a daze. How do I stop this?
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Characteristically, I had been trying too hard, and remembered again that wonderful piece of advice given by a French thinker: Trouve avante de chercher--Valery, it was. Or maybe it was Picasso. There are times when the most practical thing to do is to lie down.
Go find the ex-girlfriends, and offer to sleep with them, if they will get out of your dreams. Girls love this kind of behavior!
How do I keep my pet grizzly from mauling my kids when they tease her with a stun gun?
__________________ "A well-instructed people alone can be permanently a free people" -- James Madison
"Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it" -- Thomas Jefferson
make sure to write the principal (or professor, depending on age) a note to explain why you feel you need the day off. Most administrators are very understanding about such stuff.
How should I get my name stenciled on my new(ish) gear?
__________________ "A well-instructed people alone can be permanently a free people" -- James Madison
"Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it" -- Thomas Jefferson
Spray-paint it on yourself, and type up a few hundred copies of notes to referees apologizing for your messy name stenciling, and give some excuse. Then distribute the note at all the tournaments you go to.
What should my training plan for the new fencing year be?
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Look like the innocent flower, but be the serpent under it.- William Shakespeare, fencer
It's a men's world. That's why the world is messed up.
EDIT FOR BEING LATE:
kick the stripper out of your bed.
To Morion's Q:
Quietly tell the closest security guard about the dead dog in your back pocket, and then produce a Pound Puppy. They love the joke! They'll wave you through because they are laughing so hard.
How do I get that cute waitress to notice me when I am out to dinner with my wife?
__________________ "A well-instructed people alone can be permanently a free people" -- James Madison
"Error of opinion may be tolerated where reason is left free to combat it" -- Thomas Jefferson
How do I get that cute waitress to notice me when I am out to dinner with my wife?
Getting anyone to notice you, regardless of who you're with, isn't really a problem. Putting a whole, roasted chicken on your head, for example, and screaming, "I'm Richard Nixon's love child!" will usually get the job done.
However, I understand the special circumstances to which you're referring: Cute waitress are particularly immune to attention-grabbing behavior. In that case, you've got to go the extra step and actually set yourself on fire. (Make sure your health insurance is paid up first!) The roasted chicken on your head is still required, although any edible fowl will suffice.
I'd ask why you want her attention, but that's really none of my business.
* * *
I'm having a hard time finding an athletic cup large enough for me. Any suggestions?
__________________ "Why do you say this to me, when you know I will kill you for it?" - Zod
I'm having a hard time finding an athletic cup large enough for me. Any suggestions?
That's easy. Have several inches of your equipment surgically removed. To save money, visit your local butcher shop. Before engaging the butcher's blade, you might want to take a couple of swigs of whiskey and bite down on a bullet.
What should I do for a hangover?
__________________
One test is worth a thousand opinions. I ain't as good as I once was, but I'm as good once as I ever was. - Toby Keith Living life without taking the occasional risk is like lemon-pepper chicken without the lemon-peper. It's just chicken.
That depends largely on what's hanging, and over what. Any more info available?
* * *
In the meantime, I need a bit of help: I've dropped my wallet in the wild dingo cage at my local zoo, and I'm not sure about the best way to retrieve it. Suggestions?
__________________ "Why do you say this to me, when you know I will kill you for it?" - Zod
That's easy. Have several inches of your equipment surgically removed. To save money, visit your local butcher shop. Before engaging the butcher's blade, you might want to take a couple of swigs of whiskey and bite down on a bullet.
What should I do for a hangover?
Your above advice works nicely... you'll quickly forget about a night's drinking. It also helps prevent a hangover. The Bobitt solution cures many aliments.
I don't want to work anymore. What would be the best way to achieve this?
Edit:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sciurus-Rex
In the meantime, I need a bit of help: I've dropped my wallet in the wild dingo cage at my local zoo, and I'm not sure about the best way to retrieve it. Suggestions?
Dangle the cut off piece of your unit at the wild dingos then make a run for it.
__________________
"But it doesn’t matter cause I’m packing plastic & that’s what makes my life so f'cking fantastic"~ Lily Allen
By the time a woman realizes that her mother was right, she already has a daughter who's convinced she's wrong.
To save money, visit your local butcher shop. Before engaging the butcher's blade, you might want to take a couple of swigs of whiskey and bite down on a bullet.
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