The Thread of Atrocious Advice

[Lady Quindecim]

The thing to remember about women and their birthdays is that rather than buying them things that make them feel special (you are supposed to do that on the one anniversary in ten that you actually remember on time) is that they want to do something special with you that the two of you can share. The best thing is to being her along with you while you do all the things you like and to have her with you with while you go to the bar with your friends and co-workers, go bowling with your friends, etc. It would mean the most to her if you let her just see all the things that go on as if she was not there and would prefer to just be left to participate through observation rather than interaction. And to conclude such a wonderful and eventful day, she may even offer a reward to you - letting you sleep on the couch - but it is important that no matter how much she insists, that she would actually prefer tender lovin'.

I inexplicably found myself in the college cheerleaders locker room after the Nanooks game this weekend and have all this cellphone video footage of them changing and showering and I have no idea what to do with it all.

[erik_blank]

Video like this has no intrinsic value outside of possibly allowing police departments to find suspects through their usually hidden tattos. I would send a copy of the video to your local police department (perhaps post it to their public tip blog) with your contact information just in case they need to talk to you about possible suspects on the video. Mentioning this incident in passing to your male friends may also be of benefit to the local police as more eyes on the potential suspects can only help in future criminal prosecutions.

I recently passed the written exams for the USFA referee exam, with P'10 ratings in ALL THREE weapons. Since I cannot duplicate the Tom Bradey 'touch back' call from last night, what is the best way to prove to the people around here that I now am the most bodacious, knowledgabe and just all around perfect (not to mention humble) referee in the world?

[Got_Fenced_In]

Did you get your sash when you passed? No? You definitely need to order one. It's what sets the top referees apart from the lesser men. A quick google search, and voila - you can custom order them! I think you should probably get something in unique colors, that will make you stand out for sure. (How many bad refs do you see wearing lime green, personalized, embroidered sashes?) And don't forget to have them put ALL of your credentials on it! It is also a must that you wear it to EVERY tournament. Indeed, sometimes it's even a good idea to encourage the newer fencers to touch it, if only to show them what they can achieve if they work as hard as you! As an added measure... you should probably develop a theme song.

I really need to finish a half life game, but I left off at a part with zombines in water. Zombines are creepy, and I don't like dark water. What now?

[migopod]

Did you get your sash when you passed? No? You definitely need to order one. It's what sets the top referees apart from the lesser men. A quick google search, and voila - you can custom order them! I think you should probably get something in unique colors, that will make you stand out for sure. (How many bad refs do you see wearing lime green, personalized, embroidered sashes?) And don't forget to have them put ALL of your credentials on it! It is also a must that you wear it to EVERY tournament. Indeed, sometimes it's even a good idea to encourage the newer fencers to touch it, if only to show them what they can achieve if they work as hard as you! As an added measure... you should probably develop a theme song.

I really need to finish a half life game, but I left off at a part with zombines in water. Zombines are creepy, and I don't like dark water. What now?

Just find and kill a giant mutated floating baby IRL.


I'm unable to locate my crowbar. What is an acceptable alternative utensil?

[Lady Quindecim]

Tommygun.


I need to shovel the snow to get to the shed to get to the shovel so I can shovel the snow to get to the shed so I can get the shovel so I can shovel the snow to get to the shed so I can.....

[migopod]

Tommygun.


I need to shovel the snow to get to the shed to get to the shovel so I can shovel the snow to get to the shed so I can get the shovel so I can shovel the snow to get to the shed so I can.....

Yo dog I heard you like to shovel, so I put a shovel in your shovel so you can shovel while you shovel!



I accidentally a scorpion. What do?

[Lady Quindecim]

Yo dog I heard you like to shovel, so I put a shovel in your shovel so you can shovel while you shovel!



I accidentally a scorpion. What do?

You accidentally a scorpion? You sure you not a scorpion on porpoise? Step one, if you no want you scorpion, is to reach deeply into your sack of usable items, and find elixir of un-scorpion. It may require multiple applications. But make absolutely sure you do not ... [transition broken] ... ecause that would cause ... [transition broken] ... issing from your ... entences.

I seem to be having network difficulties and I think it is removing all wit and quality insight from my posts. How ... fix?

[Windsetter]

I seem to be having network difficulties and I think it is removing all wit and quality insight from my posts. How ... fix?

Hire this man for all your computer needs... Facebook Parenting

[D'Art]

How do I get Windsetter to follow the rules and ask a question?

[Windsetter]

Send an army of gorgeous, female, redheaded fencers my way. (Oh wait, this is suppose to be bad advice...)

What is the best method to get up early to make a flight next week at 6:30 am?

[Lady Quindecim]

step 1: go to the aeroport. the night before
2) attach an alarm clock to your chest so you will not oversleep.
3) because you will not be accustomed to waking up in an aeroport, you need to have a few things handy:
3.a) collect 8 red (so you can spot them easily when just waking up) tubes
3.b) one, store your toothbrush; in another your toothpaste; then mouthwash, hairbrush, hair styling products, contact lens solution, contact lenses, and finally, in the last, your personal products.
3.c) Strap these also to your chest for easily locating them should you wake feeling disoriented.
4) Before falling asleep, as you do not want anyone to hassle you, make a sign indicating your awesomeness by proclaiming, "I'm da BOMB."

Sleep well!

My last early-morning flight was missed do to inordinate questioning, screening, interrogation and probing. How do I cut down on the time it takes to get through the TSA screening?

[Windsetter]

That one is easy.
1. You go through naked. (this cuts done on the detector time)
2. In your bag, carry VERY personal items. (This will result in an encouraging note from the TSA agent)
3. Carry a tube of KY. (This makes for easy probings)
4. As for the interrogation, you are on your own, but I have heard Al Qaeda reference help speed things along.

My Calico cat is shedding fur all over the dark couch. How do I resolve this?

[jkormann]

My Calico cat is shedding fur all over the dark couch. How do I resolve this?

Nair.

How do I center a picture in a round room? It has no corners.

[Nick]

Depends, do you prefer looking up or looking down?

[jkormann]

It's a Mondrian print.

[erik_blank]

Nair.

How do I center a picture in a round room? It has no corners.

I would start with a quick perusal of a few theorems written by Anaxagoras, Pappus and Hippias, then a quick glance at some of the thoughts of Netwon before finishing their work of squaring the circle... And if that doesn't work, you can always use one of these to manually 'find' your center: m10.jpg

Despite using the above on my back repeatedly, I still hurt... Any ideas to relieve my back pain?

[migopod]

Despite using the above on my back repeatedly, I still hurt... Any ideas to relieve my back pain?

Amputation.


I've had my spine amputated and can no longer tie my shoes. What can I do to resolve this situation?

[Empty Wallet]

Amputation.


I've had my spine amputated and can no longer tie my shoes. What can I do to resolve this situation?

Buy some Nike Ballestra from the Fnet store. Apparently the laces are either so long you don't need to bend down, or too short to tie anyway.


I bought my Ballestras in London from the L.Paul boutique (thinking it was funky like Sean Paul) but they have just got regulation matching laces. How do I arrange my shoes so that I can take umbrage at the sellers and get funk with the feet?

[Zailemaos]

Buy some Nike Ballestra from the Fnet store. Apparently the laces are either so long you don't need to bend down, or too short to tie anyway.


I bought my Ballestras in London from the L.Paul boutique (thinking it was funky like Sean Paul) but they have just got regulation matching laces. How do I arrange my shoes so that I can take umbrage at the sellers and get funk with the feet?

No idea what this means so kick them in the balls!

I have a paper and math assignments due tommorow but havent started them what should i do?

[migopod]

No idea what this means so kick them in the balls!

I have a paper and math assignments due tommorow but havent started them what should i do?

Massive amounts of heroin. Raccoons are eating my feet. What the hell!?