The Thread of Atrocious Advice

[Palisadeur]

What is the ultimate path to achieving enlightenment?

Start from a point directly above the centre of the earth, head that-a-way by pogo stick for about 3 days, pretend to be a guru to anyone who queries. Indulge every vice within your ways and means. Fart lots, it really helps.



My pogo stick has developed a distinct sproing to the left - how do i keep from returning constantly to my starting point?

[erik_blank]

Install a Cellphone enabled netbook computer on the top of the pogo stick and start streaming live radio shows of Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter. USE CAUTION here as this may cause a lean to the right instead.

My three daughters are constantly bickering about who is and is not being bossy. How can I create harmony in my house?

[Palisadeur]

Assert your own position as the bossiest member of the household - like all good dictatorships, the common masses will always unite against a common tyrant - i suggest revoking all priveledges such as free room and board, enforcing a drab uniform, and maybe even concocting a bombastic and parochial 'home anthem' which they must recite whenever you walk past.


My last three mini-dictatorships have been overthrown in fairly quick succession - how do i save my neck from the block?

[Dread Pirate]

It seems that you have left out one of the keys rules to a true dictatorship and have failed to imprison anyone who attempts voise an action or an opinion contrary to the dictators. I would suggest that prior to starting your next mini-dictatorship, that you build a detention area in your basement so that you have an area for the aforementioned dissidents to be secures during your long and, now peaceful reign, over your loyal subjects. Remember that you need to enforce these rules strictly for anyone who crosses over your borders or you will be seen as a possible "puppet" of some distant government.


I had a very large party last night in my private country and someone ate the last of the onion dip prior to my having even tasted it. Now my basement prison is overflowing with dissidents and they are keeping me awake, what with all the banging on cells and demands for freedom. How in the world am I to get the eight to nine hours of sleep recommended for a healthy dictator?

[erik_blank]

I would have thought that as a dictator you would alread have been deaf to your subjects voices. The best way then to ensure that you are no longer troubled by the constant bangings and cries for mercy is to create a better dunge.. err.. basement. Hire a contractor to dig three or four stories down and then install modern 'dissedent apartments' for your subjects. Ensure that each apartment is equipped withthe most modern of facitlities including electric appliances: barbie.jpg
comfortable Bedding:7263181_4d0583fa48.jpg
and of course a tasty variety of foods:
spam.jpg

If this is too much work, you can always use one of these to modify your hearing to such an extent that you are no longer bothered by their annoying cries:
23430.jpg

It's the first day of summer vacation for the kids, and my 6 year old woke me up 1/2 an hour earlier than my alarm was set for wanting to know if I was going to work. Thinking tha tI had slept through my alarm, I got up and helped her get her breakfast. Only AFTER I got her milk on her cereal did I notice that I was up too early. How can i manage to reclaim that extra 1/2 hour of sleep that I so desperately need without getting fired?

[vinceat852]

It's the first day of summer vacation for the kids, and my 6 year old woke me up 1/2 an hour earlier than my alarm was set for wanting to know if I was going to work. Thinking tha tI had slept through my alarm, I got up and helped her get her breakfast. Only AFTER I got her milk on her cereal did I notice that I was up too early. How can i manage to reclaim that extra 1/2 hour of sleep that I so desperately need without getting fired?

You are obviously spoiling your children. I suggest sending them off to Iraq. Hopefully, their toddler and pre-adolescent minds will be traumatized and emotionally unstable enough upon return to be manipulated into killing your boss. That way, you would not be fired and would probably get a day off from work to attend your boss' funeral, from which you could be excused with the pretext of sending your children to a mental institution. You would be able to sleep from then on.

I've just moved into a new apartment, but I'm too lazy to unpack the final 2 or 3 boxes of stuff. How will I manage to unpack everything by the end of this week?

[migopod]

I've just moved into a new apartment, but I'm too lazy to unpack the final 2 or 3 boxes of stuff. How will I manage to unpack everything by the end of this week?

A liberal application of high explosives greatly expedites the unpacking of boxes.



I suspect my 17 year old goldfish plans to kill me in my sleep. How should I proceed?

[erik_blank]

I can see from your post that you are a true pet lover and are attempting to assist your pet in it's ultimate goal of self-actualization. I applaude your efforts and can offer you some of the following to assist your ikhthus in it's quest for your untimely demise.
Since most Carassius auratus auratus are not capable of surviving outside of their tanks/bowls for more than a few minutes, I would think that the first step would be to ensure that the habitat of your pet be moved much closer to your bed to facilitate the fish's quest. Maintaing a height at or above your head level will also help out.
As you and your pet live in different mediums, it is probably better to suggest the use of a ranged weapon. Have you been providing it with the proper training in their use?
Outside of a ranged weapon, another practical method of ikhthusatic murder could involve the use of the native habitiat of the fish itself. You could create a shelf that would reside directly above your head while sleeping with a triping switch that would allow the tank/bowl to fall when the goldfish presses against the release mechanisim. This wouold of course put your pet in danger of marterdom, so unless it is actively persuing a jihad against you, you shoudl provide for a drain system into another fish bowl/tank so that the goldfish can swim to safety after ensuring that you have passed on.
Finally, on a slightly more expensive side, you could take the term "tank" and use it in a more modern sense, purchasing for your fish an actual M1A1 main battle tank fully equipped with HE and Incendary rounds. training here is key especially since there will need to be some extra water gates for the main gun loading area to prevent the fish from being sucked into the firing chamber prior to firing.

Good luck in your help with the quest of your pet! I again applaud your efforts!

My cat has so far been unable to fulfill her wish for world domination, despite being part of Blofeld's cadre of feline companions. How can I help her get revenge agains the British government?

[redheaded_sabreuse]

My cat has so far been unable to fulfill her wish for world domination, despite being part of Blofeld's cadre of feline companions. How can I help her get revenge agains the British government?

Just have her abducted and taken to a seedy Left Bank hotel, tie her to the bedframe in a sordid garrett, and keep dosing her with catnip until she doesn’t care about ANYTHING anymore.

My sister just gave birth to a healthy, adorable little girl last night. (YAY!)

Unfortunately now our parents are all caught up in their ooey gooey Aren’t-Babies-Precious new-grandparent suga-high, and have already started in pressuring their only other married child (me) to have a kid too. This is highly inconvenient as I have the maternal instinct of a cinderblock and would far rather spend my evenings hitting folks with a sabre than changing dirty diapers.

So how do I get my parents to shut up, short of deafening myself with a carpenter’s awl?

[matt9476]

My sister just gave birth to a healthy, adorable little girl last night. (YAY!)

Unfortunately now our parents are all caught up in their ooey gooey Aren’t-Babies-Precious new-grandparent suga-high, and have already started in pressuring their only other married child (me) to have a kid too. This is highly inconvenient as I have the maternal instinct of a cinderblock and would far rather spend my evenings hitting folks with a sabre than changing dirty diapers.

So how do I get my parents to shut up, short of deafening myself with a carpenter’s awl?

Change your name to Rosemary. Then nobody will want you to have a baby.

How do I manage bringing all of the clothing I need on my vacation without paying for a checked bag on the airplane?

[redheaded_sabreuse]

How do I manage bringing all of the clothing I need on my vacation without paying for a checked bag on the airplane?

First, go to Little Whinging, Surrey, in England in early summer. Bring a pair of binoculars, a tranquilizer dart gun, and a large butterfly net.

Then, keep your eyes constantly trained on the skies for the appearance of owls bearing letters. When you spot one, quickly knock it out with the trank gun and catch it with the butterfly net, and pilfer the critter's letter.

The letter will be addressed to some kid who, as it turns out, has manifested witch or wizard powers, inviting him or her to enroll at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, but that kid will just have to go into second form like everybody else, because now YOU'LL be off to Hogwarts in his/her place. Your large size and obvious maturity can be blamed on a hyperactive pituitary tumor.

Then in about second or third year, your Charms professor will teach you a spell called Reducio, which will allow you to miniaturize things to approximate dollhouse scale, only to blow them back up to normal size later when you need them. Once you have mastered Reducio, you will be able to fit your entire wardrobe into a bag the size of this season's Kate Spade basket with no trouble whatsoever.

Now, every year in summer I pick up a whole lot of luscious fresh raspberries or blackberries at the farmer's market, fill an iced-tea jar with them (iced tea jars have the little spigot at the bottom) and then fill it up with Absolut vodka, to which I add a bit of cane sugar and lemon juice. Then I let the whole thing steep for a few weeks, until I have the most sinfully yummy infused berry cordial imaginable, which tastes exactly like fresh berries.

My problem is -- this stuff tastes so good I forget it's straight vodka, and always end up giving myself a wicked hangover from drinking it.

So, how do I cure these inevitable summer hangovers once and for all?

[Lady Quindecim]

Move to Chile from June to October. Avoid Summer altogether. Thus, problem solved.

So my question is: Which shoes go better withe this top: these ones. or those ones?

[erik_blank]

It is obvious from your question that neither pair of shoes will go with THAT. In fact, I can't imagine that ANYONE would even be caught DEA in THAT top. The only possible solution is to immediately remove the top and find another one. NOW. What's more, Neither these shoes nor those shoes should ever see the light of day again. I'm not sure that either should even be allowed into a moshpit without first being placed into a paperbag and ...
...oh, wait... This is supposed to be Advice, not Abuse... Sorry...

Ok, well then... Let's see what we can do from here (again, sorry fo rthe above..) Since neither the top nor the shoes should be seen again (burn them all in a good incinerator) you will need to go out to the local shopping district and purchase 3-50 new otuifits including matching shoes. Start with these as a base, then work from there.....

thigh-high-boots.jpg

People keep complaining that their backs hurt after taking my wardrobe advice. Should I re-think what I'm suggesting?

[Lady Quindecim]

No.


How do I make my answers more brief and concise?

[erik_blank]

Take speaking/writing lessons from Mr. B. O'bama, with references to letters and speaches by a Mr. H. Humphry. After taking these lessons, install a electroshock thereapy application that requires a minimum of 1500 words per post to avoid a 40kV shock.

My 8 yr old neice is visiting for the rest of the month, and has once again well bonded with my three daughters ( 9, 6 and 6 years old respectivly). Unfortunately this bonding seems to consist mostly of upper frequency screams in the 120 dBA range. How can I protect my hearing and still allow them to have tehir fun?

[Lady Quindecim]

The nerve fibers in the cochlea that are vibrated be sound waves transfered by way of the Lateral semicircular, Posterior, and Superior canals from the ear drum. These nerve fibers are damaged over time by loud noises. The shape of the cochlea and the length of the fibers mean that they are specialized for certain frequency ranges. In other words, exposure to these upper frequency noises (similar to those issued by sabre fencers) will lead to tinnitus, followed by degradation of hearing in those frequencies.

Piecing the eardrum with a 1/8th in masonry bit on a power drill will break the chain of events leading to hearing loss.
A pleasant side effect is that you will no longer suffer the listening to of Justin Beeber. The same tool will work for protecting your cornea from suffering the effects of light waves emanating from visual reproductions of same.

I was hoping to get to use "use an ax" for advice, but I have not gotten to do so. How do I satiate this longing?

[matt9476]

I was hoping to get to use "use an ax" for advice, but I have not gotten to do so. How do I satiate this longing?

That's simple, use an ax.

My wife is on a diet, which means, essentially, I'm on a diet. I NEED real food without her knowing about it. Suggestions?

[erik_blank]

Best way that I can think of is to start a nightly neighborhood block party barbecue. Pig out as much as you want, and then at the end of each night remember to pop a few "Meat'os" breath fresheners, available in a variety of flavors, including: T-Bone, Ham-hock, Cheesey Meatlovers pizza and new Bacon and sour cream potato.

My Ax needs sharpening, but I cannot finda decent grind stone around here. What can I use for those pesky Zombies from the planet Xur now?

[Lady Quindecim]

A trusty Star Fighter is never without his/her/its pocket whetstone. But, lacking that, this may be a good test for the Death Blossom's capabilities.

I live in a mobile cave that never goes anywhere and have a talking iguana for a navigator. How do I take my significant other away with me when there are only two seats?

[matt9476]

I live in a mobile cave that never goes anywhere and have a talking iguana for a navigator. How do I take my significant other away with me when there are only two seats?

Well, you and your significant other can always "become one" with each other. That way, you only need one seat. If positioned correctly, the takeoff should provide extra "thrust" for you.

I have seriously slacked off in my posting on fencing.net. But my new job has really cut into my free time. How can I spend more time in the forums and still perform my job properly?