The Thread of Atrocious Advice

[Lady Quindecim]

Y.o.u. A.r.e. A.l.l. E.f.f.i.n.g. C.r.a.z.y.

effable [ˈɛfəbəl]
adj
Archaic capable of being expressed in words
[from Old French, from Late Latin effābilis, from Latin effārī, from ex- out + fārī to speak]

I think he is describing our loquaciousness. (i.e. "That is crazy talk.") Which is, of course, the very purpose of our advice; to provide sane and rational solutions to the more difficult issues that arise in our day-to-day lives such a weight to swing ratios to get the best limb-removal results from various axes applied to those who start new threads requesting advice on fencing footwear.

(Chewy received his medal separately because the Princess needed a ladder to reach over his head.)

[Palisadeur]

...such as weight to swing ratios to get the best limb-removal results from various axes...

M'Lady, this may be of service to you and your footwear thread Nemesi:
http://leaderboard.com/SWINGWT.HTM


Question:
Why can no-one see that Chewbacca's placement in the final awards ceremony was next to the 'droids - the cheap seats, the 2nd class citizens! There was no special awards after the credits rolled, yet he did most of the flying of the Falcon - he even strode boldly as a prisoner into the very bowels of the lion's den...

[Lady Quindecim]

I will interpolate the question in to a seek of advice as this:
How can I resolve the internal turmoil I feel from unresolved plot elements in old film productions that everyone talks about and offer resolutions I find unrequitening because I am sure that they are, in truth, errors in continuity and fear I my very spirit will know no rest until the party responsible for letting the travesty make it through all the edits, revisions, proofs and (finally) onto the "big screen" get themselves publicly sacked?

And now for my advice:
Start as many new threads on fnet talking about what fencing shoe is the best. Make sure this is posted in the armoury section, include video, and type in all lower case and without punctuation. Make sure to save time by typing in "lol-txt speech" and end every post praising the glories of foil. This may seem unrelated, but it will, I promise, end our suffering. ....I mean, put your mind at ease.

=^_^=

I am nearing the end of the 4th day of my 4 day play list. What should I listen to now?

[erik_blank]

I am nearing the end of the 4th day of my 4 day play list. What should I listen to now?

While I have often made reference to the fine music in the video Barny meets the Teletubbies in Smurf Land, the quest for the 'special feeling.' I find that this may provide too much variation for a four day play list. May I then suggest a compilation of Simon Cowells compliments of American Idol competitors set to techno music.

Our club is hosting a C and under competition on Sunday, but the weather is threatening to not cooporate. Who do I go to to express my complaints and have the issue taken care of in a timely manner?

[Mr Flunge]

I would think the answer is obvious: email Christine Simmons. She should be able to put you in touch with the right people. If not, well, I would recommend having your tournament in a different country, and fly out all the strip setups, as well as refs. Fencers are on their own of course. I hear Australia's nice this time of year.

I would like to own my own equipment, but I lack the funds to do so. How should I acquire some equipment, or get the funds to do so?

[Dread Pirate]

I would like to own my own equipment, but I lack the funds to do so. How should I acquire some equipment, or get the funds to do so?

Buying your own equipment is highly overated and will never garner you the respect of your numerous skills and abilities by any of the fencers on f-net. You would be better suited to secretly fence with a sharpened blade and merely abscond with you oppoent's equipment after vanquishing them. This will not only gain you the respect and admiration of other fencers, but will allow you to quickly amass a large stockpile of equipment for future use. That is as long as you follow two simple rules--1) Ensure that you fence only those people that are approximately the same size as you in order to end up with a properly sized jacket & 2) Remove the uniform and equipment from the bodies as soon as possible in order to prevent large bloodstains from ruining you new equipment.


I am a horrible judge of clothing sizes and have a huge stockpile of slightly bloody uniforms and equipment that I need to unload quickly. What is the best way to hide the evid---I mean--place this equipment into a large customer based market and still make a tidy profit?

[erik_blank]

For cases like this, I would recommend enlisting the aid of your local police commission. These people are more than willing and able to help a concerned and distressed merchant like yourself with vending these materials to the appropriate market.

To get the best result, load all of the uniforms into a clear plastic trash bag with one to three bricks, and then wait for a police car to pass by. As it passes, throw the bag into the windshield of the vehicle. This should get the best results for a fast easy market palce. As for your tidy profit, a narative of your experience should help you out with this. Make sure that you are recording all of your thoughts about the situation starting from when you collected your first uniform and ending with the verd... err.. sale of your supplies.

Our VPN Client software no longer likes working with out WiFi enabled printer and Aircard combination. How can I use this as a weapon of Math destruction?

[Lady Quindecim]

The best method of disrupting derivatives is as this:
30 oz 1800® Tequila
10 oz premium triple sec (preferably Cointreau)
20 oz lime juice

Rum the rim of a WiFi enabled glass with lime juice, and dip in Aircard. Shake all ingredients with ice, strain into the glass, and serve.

That works for most clients, VPN, RPC, NFS, SSH... makes them all do the SAMBA. -- or the bassa nova. I always mix those up.

I frequently mistake the samba, pasa doble, bassa nova and tango. How can I improve my dancing repertw... repirtu... repertor... skilz

[erik_blank]

There is an entire company that creates tools to help people gain Skilz. May I suggest using their line of saws? The recriprocating saws should help with the Samba and Bassa Nova, while the circular saw may be of use in the Tango. Both devices can be used in a number of ways to not only improve your own skilz, but in the event that you just cannot improve for one reason or another, they can be used to get rid of others that are just simply making you look bad. (for these applications, the use of the circular and recriprocating says are usefull, but their cordless models [especially this set] would be best for ensuring that they can reach your rivals without having to worry about those pesky cords...)

It's my birthday and the kids are all down with the stomach flu. How can I enjoy my birthday without feeling like a cad for ignoring their pain and suffering?

[Kalika]

Have them play a game called projectile puke! Their puke comes out so they feel better, and you get to watch the fun for your Bday! And maybe even make a cake out of the puke!
How can I win an argument that a sword is better than a gun?

[Palisadeur]

How can I win an argument that a sword is better than a gun?

If it's a Claymore:
Chop their hands off.
If it's a Sabre:
Trample them with your horse.
Sabre is still a cavalry weapon, right?
If it's a Rapier:
Poke the sword into the barrel of the gun. Insult the gunner's mother until the gun is (back)fired. Then remove the sword from the wall and stab them, saying; "HA! See?"


I can't get the pizza box closed properly with one hand.
Opening is fine; I have both hands at my disposal, but when it's time to close the darned thing one of my hands is occupied with the slice of pizza and i just can't tuck those pesky flaps in.
Quick response required, it's getting cold.

[Lady Quindecim]

The issue is not about closing the box, it is with the pizza cooling to below optimal temreature for consumption. Thus, focus the solution on the root cause: you are taking too long to eat the pizza.
1) Eat it all
- just take the whole box as your plate.
2) Invite more people to enjoy/consume the pizza
- Simply remove the lid entirely
3) Cold pizza is not just for breakfast anymore.
- as soon at it is delivered, put it in the fridge. Then, take it out and eat it leasurely in all it's morning-after goodness without having to wait until the morning after.

After a weekend of housecleaning, I have bags of trash to take out, but it is cold and I am not dressed for going outside. How can I get the trash out without catching a cold?

[Palisadeur]

Clad yourself with the trash, then take it out only so far as is safe to make a raging bonfire of it, and thus be warmed for your return journey to the door.


My left eyeball has a persistent tic, which is making local shopgirls think i am a letch. What can i do to transform the negative rumours that are forming about me into Heroic Ballads?

[erik_blank]

A truly good heroic ballad would need to be composed by a well qualified bard. Unfortunately most Master Bards died out in the early 12th century, and finding one these days often requires a trip to your local SCA shire or perhaps an AD&D convention.
Since these people are rather unreliable, I believe that you will need to stalk... err... research your potential targets... err... volunteers. Once you have gotten a good idea of who in these groups would make a good bard, recruit them with something similar to this :

Remember to recruit a number of them since the recruitment tool may cause damage to their abilities for a short time. Once they have recove... settled in, you can describe to these bards your great abilities and then give them free reign to create their heroic epic poems.

My bards are slacking off in their duties of creating a more heroic image of myself, claiming hunger and lack of sunlight in their sub-sub-sub basement dwelling. How can I get them back to work?

[Lady Quindecim]

With plenty of sunshine, lolly-pops, gum-drops and rainbows. Then, very softly, subliminally at first, introduce the gentle, relaxing music of Milley Sirus and the ilk. Slowly raise the volume as to not shock them until the sound becomes audible and they willingly return to their duties - so long as the music stops. Should take about 3 bars.

I have successfully re-motivated my, uh, employees, but now the work they produce is only suitable for Disney Radio. How do I create the right /mood/ conducive to production of bardly tales that do not induce the blowing of mighty chunks?

[erik_blank]

With plenty of sunshine, lolly-pops, gum-drops and rainbows. Then, very softly, subliminally at first, introduce the gentle, relaxing music of Milley Sirus and the ilk. Slowly raise the volume as to not shock them until the sound becomes audible and they willingly return to their duties - so long as the music stops. Should take about 3 bars.

I have successfully re-motivated my, uh, employees, but now the work they produce is only suitable for Disney Radio. How do I create the right /mood/ conducive to production of bardly tales that do not induce the blowing of mighty chunks?

Dear LQ: In something of a first, I must register a complaint to the advice that you have given me. After following your advice I too found that my prisone... errr.. Employees were not only producing mega-chunk blowing 'muzak,' but I have just now been approached by a squad of Michael Eisner's lawyers and forced into an eight year contract to appear as Miley Cyrus' stage double, singing the works produced by my 'employees'.
In a strange turn of events, my employees have retained the three Lemurs in suits that I won in post 1692 and they are now suing me for poor working conditions, specifically lack of 50 Gal barrels of Mt. Dew, extra pepperoni on the pizzas, poor dice qualities, insufficient access to rattan, and not enough chain mail in their helmets.

My only advice to you in an attempt to control your problem before Michale Eisner finds you too is to immediately apply to American Idol as a contestant. Since this season has already gotten pretty well under way you may be forced to 'replace' a current contestant. Don't worry, this is America, and most viewers of the show will either not notice the substitution, or assume that it is a strange plot twist and you are the evil twin of the person you are replacing. To ensure getting into the next round, prepare by smoking 3-4 pack of cigarettes and drinking about a fifth of everclear just before going on stage.

The Miley Cyrus outfit that I am being forced to wear as part of the Eisner contract is making my butt look big... How can I appear more manly while on stage?

[Lady Quindecim]

What needs to change is not your outfit, or stage presence, but your attitude. You must embrace your inner Miley. Nurture your diva-child. Or else, you will metamorphosize into this
{No - do NOT put that link in there!}
[What? just tell them is it a Rick-roll.]
{Are you nuts?}
[Me? Funny question coming from you.]

--It is a rickroll... no need to click the link. Really. It is a trick.--

Back to topic; Then start the process of extracting yourself from your contract. You need 50 gallon barrels of Mt Dew, extra-pepperoni pizzas, 20s dice (about 100pc), rattan furniture and chain-mail. I can supply you with everything you need for a mere ....
One Million Dollars
. (I accept paypal)

But I could use some advice as well:
What is the best fencing shoe?

[d'marion]

What is the best fencing shoe?

Fencing shoes cost too much money; just wrap your feet up in bandages so you have some basic padding/protection.

Not sure if this was asked but, I find the directors at tournaments very annoying, how do i take care of them?

[Lady Quindecim]

Step one) Spike your mask every time you get a point.
action B: Squeel like a little girl everytime someone else gets a touch
Then; Poke your opponent in the back every time they turn to walk back to the engard line.
After that, as soon as you get black carded, use this

How does one remove those pesky blood stains from ones fencing whites?

[EldRick]

Soaking the whites in bleach for several days will remove the blood stains, as well as the fabric to which they are stubbornly attached. As a more ecologically sustainable, albeit slower, alternative, stake them out on an anthill, and the ants and soil bacteria will remove the stains over a period of some months.

I have noticed that the beep of scoring equipment seems to simulate (and stimulate) the screams of my opponents. How can I make the equipment scream in a lower pitch to better distinguish between the two?