The Thread of Atrocious Advice

[RkfdFencer]

Well, Lady Q will suggest using an axe. Whether she suggests using it to modify the foot or the shoe, or both, I have no idea.

My suggestion, buy the size 9 Ballestras and give them to me. I will treasure this gift forever (or until Lady Q takes an axe to my feet).

I need to do some yard work, which includes cutting down a tree. I wanted to go 'old school' with it, but the local hardware stores are all out of axes. Seems some young lady from the northwest has been buying them all up.

I have seen some tragic accidents when using chainsaws for self defense against zombies (sure, this was all on film - haven't seen it in real life yet). Anyways, I want to forego use of a chainsaw.

How do I remove that tree from my yard?

[Dread Pirate]

You mean to stay away form the unnatural tree removal methods entirely, which is indeed commendable and shows a great regard for the environment. I also believe it is the only way to go seeing that we are still in the middle of the great axe famine. So I believe I have come up with the perfect tree removal procedure for you.
1) Walk out to the tree in question and drill a one inch hole in the trunk approximately 6 inches deep and at a height of 32 inches from the ground.
2) Carefully insert four pairs of mating termites into the previously drilled hole and encourage them to be "fruitful and multiply" Not only will this create the correct atmosphere for termite copulation, it will give you a slight "god complex" which is cool.
3) Carefully place a wheelbarrow under the hole drilled in the tree. Do this softly so as not to ruin the prviously created mood in the termites. This catch the sawdust as it flows out of the one inch hole and will enable you to tote the copius amount of sawdust generated by the termites to your flowerbeds as mulch without any unnecesary shoveling or yard mess.
4) Stand back and watch the glory of nature as your tree is reduced to enviromentally freindly, multipurpose sawdust before your very eyes--in 15 to 25 years based on size of tree. And look at all the money you saved on power tools and mulch.
Not ot mention that you have no need to ask Lady Q to borrow an axe!

Tom, Linda, Frank, and Edith (the four termites who have been copulating and devouring a tree in my backyard for the past 15 years) have decided to move to someone else's tree during the summer. In protest of their long imprisonment, they have clogged the one inch hole in the tree and I now have a pile of sawdust in the backyard that did not flow into the whellbarrow. How do I get rid of it?

[RkfdFencer]

Gasoline and matches. Spread liberally around the yard to catch all the saw dust that has likely blown about. You can finish off the original tree this way (my sincere apologies for abandoning a more natural approach). May as well grab the neighbor's tree and visit your vengeance upon Edith and the kids for abandoning you. Yes, revenge is a dish best served over a simple wood fire.

It's getting a bit warm and smoky in my back yard. The warmth feels like a prolonged Indian summer, so that's okay, but I am losing the lovely view of my neighbor's garage. Avoiding axes, fire and termites due to past experience, how do I reclaim a nice view of my surroundings?

[Dread Pirate]

Run down to the nearest convenience store buy as many jiffy-pops as you can possible carry. Take them into you back yard and throw them into the hottest area of the yard. As they open up popcorn will fill you yard which should attract several different species of birds that are currently migrating south for the winter. They will see the popcorn and alight in your yard in droves. Their arrival should clear the smoke and hot air from your yard until it reaches a tolerable level.



I have all these dead roasted birds lying in my yard and they are so gorged on jiffypop popcorn that I can barely lift them--how do you suggest I get them to their winter nesting grounds in the south?

[Windsetter]

Buy several of these machines. Be sure to aim it in the direction of LQs house or stick with the traditional migration and point south.

How do I teach my cat to not claw at the microfiber couch?

[Lady Quindecim]

Buy several of these machines. Be sure to aim it in the direction of LQs house or stick with the traditional migration and point south.

How do I teach my cat to not claw at the microfiber couch?

There is actually an old, Inuit folk remedy for training cat to not claw microfibre furniture.
What you will need are these few, everyday things you will fins around any house, home, casa, abode or human dwelling:
A blender
A pressure cooker
News paper. about 10 kilos.
2 one leter soda bottle
1 two leter ginger ale bottle
6 grams soda crackers
6 sodas gram crackers
a 1 joule motor
a 1 jewel monocle
a pun that goes with Mr Peanut.
a garage door opener remote (need not be working)
a garage door opener, name Manuel, tanned, shirtless, in tight shorts. Poolboys work well for this.
teaspoon salt
2.25 kg sugar
half-stone of molasses
jigger of imitation artificial green food colour
1/3 of an egg. chopped, raw, no yolk.
And a peacock feather if you are feeling frisky, otherwise a goose feather will suffice.

Step one:
Cook the bicycle pump over low heat for 3 weeks, rotating anti-clockwise 33.33 time every metric minute. Baste with vinegar once a month.
Quickly add alphabet soup and cricket broth and bring to simmer. allow to simmer for a time no longer than your cat's age minus the length of it's tail in milligrams. Add 4 light bulbs and a sneaker and cool for twice as long as it almost simmered before adding to stand-mixer. Mix on high with dough hooks for a fortnight.
During this time, take the garage remote to an electronic shop for repair.
Remove, fold and kneed on flowered surface to give flakiness (as if there was not enough of that already in this post.
Bake at 350F in greased muffin cups for 45 minutes. or was that at bake at 45C for 3.5 metric hours.

Then remove the couch with an axe.


Okay, I could use a little advice. All my baked goods come out tasting like ... well not like food. And my pool is no longer getting cleaned. And I cannot seem to put more air in my bike tyres. Help!

[erik_blank]

Okay, I could use a little advice. All my baked goods come out tasting like ... well not like food. And my pool is no longer getting cleaned. And I cannot seem to put more air in my bike tyres. Help!

It is obvious from your post that you really do not need advice about food, pool cleaning or bicycle tires. No, I can see right through your transparent cry for help and I am prepared to help you with your unnatural attraction to your pet tortoise. I want to remind you that this kind of Spring/Fall relationship is always doomed to failure. Additionally, if you are hoping to inherit the fortune of said tortoise, that chances are it shall outlive you.

In cases like this I find it necessary to preform a full intervention involving your friends, family and that slightly creepy old guy down the street named Adolph. STAY WHERE YOU ARE. We will find you and preform the necessary rites to drive out this illicit longing of the armored Testudinidae that you have hidden in your pool side garden. Please have prepared for our arrival a twin sized mattress, 50' of 1/2" braided polyester rope, a package of tongue depressors (200 count minimum) 1/2 gallon of EEVO (preferably from the Palermo region, but Naples will do), A night shirt appropriately sized for the tortoise, 3 virgins (male or female, but each MUST be over 40 years old) and a 500g container of Nutella. All of this must be readily at hand and stored in a 500 L stock pot for easy storage.

Thanksgiving with the in-laws is finally over and the cleanup has been completed, but no one took any leftovers. How should I capitalize on this plethora of food stuffs to enable my ultimate conquering of the neighboring communities?

[redheaded_sabreuse]

Thanksgiving with the in-laws is finally over and the cleanup has been completed, but no one took any leftovers. How should I capitalize on this plethora of food stuffs to enable my ultimate conquering of the neighboring communities?

First, take the leftover turkey breast and make turkey salad with fresh dill, sweet onion, and homemade mayonnaise. Throw the remaining turkey carcass into a stock pot and boil it until you have a few gallons of luscious consumme, and make turkey-barley-vegetable soup.

Take the leftover steamed vegetables and mashed potatoes, and make vegetarian shepherd's pie. Slice leftover pumpkin and/or apple pie, put on plates, warm it up in the microwave, and serve a la mode with dulce de leche ice cream.

Then, dust all of the above dishes with a fine powdering of crack cocaine, and arrange to have said tasty and highly addictive feast served by nubile 18-year-old virgins of both genders, clad in nothing but artistically draped white silk chiffon after the manner of figures out of Greek mythology. Crack open a few cases of excellent wine just to keep the jollity flowing.

The neighboring communities will hail you as their king, lord, savior, and a really clever fellow in no time flat.

That said, when one is a sabreuse who loves to wear black velvet and Victorian boots, and listen to Peter Murphy and Sisters of Mercy, how does one manage to lend a little theatrical gothic flair to her eternally, unrelentingly, oppressively WHITE fencing uniform?

[JackOfHearts]

That said, when one is a sabreuse who loves to wear black velvet and Victorian boots, and listen to Peter Murphy and Sisters of Mercy, how does one manage to lend a little theatrical gothic flair to her eternally, unrelentingly, oppressively WHITE fencing uniform?

First of all, Rwar. Getting to the question, you can always offset the whites with socks, or slipping a decorative insert under the mesh of your mask. And since fencing whites are, well, white, they'll come with the same properties as any other white clothes. So invest in some thin, form fitting knickers, and put on some sufficiently patterned ones underneath.

The holidays are here and I need gift ideas for a Pagan, a Wiccan, a Druid, a militant libertarian Christian, a non-practicing but apparently still serious about it Catholic, an Atheist who might convert to Judaism for his fiance, and a freshly converted Pastafarian. Any takers?

[dgrabski]

The holidays are here and I need gift ideas for a Pagan, a Wiccan, a Druid, a militant libertarian Christian, a non-practicing but apparently still serious about it Catholic, an Atheist who might convert to Judaism for his fiance, and a freshly converted Pastafarian. Any takers?

Celtic crosses. (They're crosses with lots of Celtic knotwork all over them.) Pagans and Wiccans will treat them as a symbol of the old ways triumphing over the new, after all why else would they put all the Celtic knotwork on them. Druids will get a chuckle out of them and the symbolism from "them new-fangled cults, all of them." The Christian will wear it around his neck to proudly show his affiliation. The non-practicing but still serious about it Catholic will set it on his bookcase for when his very-serious-Catholic grandmother comes for the holidays. The Atheist thinking of converting will go "ooh, shiny, this religion has pretty jewelry," and forget about the fiance, even though he doesn't know what religion he's getting into. The Pastafarian will shove it up his nose, pour marinara sauce on his head, and break into a stunning rendition of "I Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe" by Barry White.

I have an '87 Camaro with 150,000 miles on it with the original tires that I bought last week, but it has various red stains on the back seat of unknown provenance. What can I do to clean those up?

[DavidX]

Celtic crosses. (They're crosses with lots of Celtic knotwork all over them.) Pagans and Wiccans will treat them as a symbol of the old ways triumphing over the new, after all why else would they put all the Celtic knotwork on them. Druids will get a chuckle out of them and the symbolism from "them new-fangled cults, all of them." The Christian will wear it around his neck to proudly show his affiliation. The non-practicing but still serious about it Catholic will set it on his bookcase for when his very-serious-Catholic grandmother comes for the holidays. The Atheist thinking of converting will go "ooh, shiny, this religion has pretty jewelry," and forget about the fiance, even though he doesn't know what religion he's getting into. The Pastafarian will shove it up his nose, pour marinara sauce on his head, and break into a stunning rendition of "I Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe" by Barry White.

I have an '87 Camaro with 150,000 miles on it with the original tires that I bought last week, but it has various red stains on the back seat of unknown provenance. What can I do to clean those up?

Did you join this board just to post that?

(Aunt Flo is in the back and the only way youre going to get her out is to use your tongue.)

[dgrabski]

Did you join this board just to post that?

(Aunt Flo is in the back and the only way youre going to get her out is to use your tongue.)

No. Been lurking on the rest of the board and I haven't learned enough to contribute useful fencing knowledge yet.

[erik_blank]

I have an '87 Camaro with 150,000 miles on it with the original tires that I bought last week, but it has various red stains on the back seat of unknown provenance. What can I do to clean those up?

May I suggest the use of "TROLL" the new cleaning solution from the InterTubes! Troll has been proven effective in the removal of all sorts of unwanted items like:

• brains
• intelligent conversation
• blood stains (when used in conjunction with the Troll tongue adapter)
• friends

Get Troll NOW!

I keep wanting to see the posts of annoying and disinteresting people on these message boards, but they seem to be part of my "Ignore" list... how can I increase my level of bile and brain numbing when these great contributers to general discussions are no longer visible on the web pages that I frequent?

[RkfdFencer]

Frequently and repeatedly request other posters, from your friends list, or just at random, to quote posts by everyone on your ignore list, every day, in all threads active for that day.

I'm having back problems. It is extremely uncomfortable to sit, stand, or walk. I already checked to make sure there was not an axe or other weapon sticking out of my back. I am at a loss as to how to heal myself.

Help, Fnet! You're my only hope.

[erik_blank]

I'm having back problems. It is extremely uncomfortable to sit, stand, or walk. I already checked to make sure there was not an axe or other weapon sticking out of my back. I am at a loss as to how to heal myself.

Help, Fnet! You're my only hope.

Since there has been no indication of edged weapons in your back, I can only assume that you have become the victim of a spinal curse, causing pain through misalignment and if not treated immediately it will eventually cause a complete spinal circle. To prevent this horrible occurrence you must immediately find four stout friends and procure one of these:

Employ the friends in ensuring that the ropes provide no less than 5000 N force. on each of the ropes.

My back is now much better, but most of my clothes seem to have shrunk in the arms and legs. What should I do?

[Windsetter]

Use the Dr. Bunsen Honeydew & Beaker proven method, "The Window Shade Cure" as shown in "Muppet Treasure Island". If you are unfamiliar with Dr. Honeydew's methods, please start by procuring all the Muppet Show, Muppet's Tonight, and Muppet Babies episode and watching them back-to-back.

How do I stop giving good advice (i.e. the preceding advice) and more atrocious advice?

[RkfdFencer]

Suggesting illegal activity in your advice to others may bring the advice to the level of atrociousness you desire.

I bought copies of Palin's book for everyone on my X-mas list, but am having second thoughts about giving such a gift. I have lost my receipt and cannot return the books. What should I do with them all?

[larkascending]

There's no reason to have second thoughts about giving copies of Going Rogue to everybody you know! I can't think of a single person who doesn't want to read the story of Sarah Palin, All-American small-town hero, and her rapid ascent to the pinnacle of American politics. Buy more copies, and give them to people who aren't on your Christmas list- strangers on the street- soon you'll build so much goodwill with the community that you might be elected mayor of your own small town.

I want to fence at least five days a week over winter break, but my brother and I are going to have some conflicts over the car. How can I make sure I have a means of getting to practice sometimes seventy-five miles away on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays, when he will want to take the car to school, the gym, his martial arts center, and his girlfriend's house on all of those same days?

[RkfdFencer]

Buy him a horse. He sounds like tough guy, so should be able to deal with the weather. Plus, his girlfriend will likely find it romantic that he arrives on his white stalion to sweep her off her feet. You also get to work the phrase 'you and the horse you rode in on' to some of the heartfelt, emotional exchanges you are likely to have with a sibling.

My avatar was not showing up on Fnet, so I went to upload another. I did not see the button for uploading a new one. I am now using one of the ones offered by the site, but would prefer to use my seasonal avatar - the fencing snowman. How do I get it uploaded for use?

[Zhais]

First, print out the desired avatar and place it in a small, sealed and unmarked envelope. Simply address it to Fencing.net, no other address. All the mailmen know exactly where Craig lives, so they'll ensure that the avatar arrives in a timely fashion.

I have a presentation for class due tomorrow, complete with citations, and yet I really don't want to do it. What should I envision to help motivate me?