The Thread of Atrocious Advice

[JackOfHearts]

Take plenty of pictures. Mainly of yourself mooning the camera. Send your teacher/professor/educator an e-mail entitled "My Homework" and add the pictures as an attachment.

Good news! My sister isn't an emo-vampire. My ex is. And I've staked her through her cold frigid heart. I now have a large pile of ash in the middle of the living room and my vacuum cleaner wasn't up to the task. What do I do now?

[Lady Quindecim]

Wait... I am confused. You were dating you sister, the emopire? In Alabama, sure, but California frowns on that. Or, you sister is now an ex-emopire because you staked her? In Alabama, sure, but...

Anywho, you do not want to use a vacuum to suck your sister....your ex's ashes up. You want to use an axe. Use the axe on the vacuum as well, just to make sure it is in top working order. Unless you are talking about a dust-buster... then you do not want to use an axe. it is too big. Use a hatchet.

What should I dress as for the Halloween party with Dad's co-workers?

[RkfdFencer]

Dress as George W Bush (or a monkey costume - pretty much the same thing) and declare war on everyone you talk to. Don't forget to make up words and misuse other, actual words. Be verbose. Perform acts of 'shock and awe' on the buffet table (may need to invite party crashers to help with this part).

The older fangs I brought to work today are no longer a good fit. I do not have any of the customizing material with me so I can re-fit them. How can I get these things to stay in all day and not have them fall out while talking to people?

[matt9476]

The older fangs I brought to work today are no longer a good fit. I do not have any of the customizing material with me so I can re-fit them. How can I get these things to stay in all day and not have them fall out while talking to people?

You have a stapler, don't you? A full row of staples should keep the fangs in place not only for today, but for at least a week. Trust me, they're sturdy.

What costume should I wear when I pass out candy to the neighborhood kids tomorrow night?

[Lady Quindecim]

Easter Bunny. Give out all those chocolate eggs you bought on clearence last spring.

What should I have for lunch?

[erik_blank]

Roasted easter bunny is always a good choice!

My small campfire in the cubicle died before my easter bunny was fully charred.. what should I do to finish my meal preperations?

[Meteoric Iron]

what should I do to finish my meal preperations?

After all your carcinogenic charred flesh, it is time to go raw...I mean worse than vegan---only what you can pick off the ground, or out of it. Acorns, nuts, maybe beached whale, if you are sure it is really dead--and no cheating: no heating!

I have run out of ways to talk to a certain person, and wonder if anyone knows of alternative ways to communicate to have my needs met?

[Sabre-Gator]

Oh Darling, there's an easy solution to your problem. Simply hang your partner upside by their toenails from atop, let's say, the St. Louis Arch during the winter. Then proceed to really express your anger and disappointment toward your partner thru various swear words and bodily harm.

I'm sure your needs WILL be met from that time onwards!

Q: There's this girl in my Astronomy class who I REALLY like, but I'm too shy to tell her. What should I do to let her know how I feel about her?

[Meteoric Iron]

Q: There's this girl in my Astronomy class who I REALLY like, but I'm too shy to tell her. What should I do to let her know how I feel about her?

You are right to be shy--don't do anything that might embarrass yourself, don't say anything that she might see as interest, since she would be sure to reject you and crush those tender feelings. So, be clever and make her wonder which message you are giving: " Would you like to go out and view Galaxy 39H8M with me tonight? Yes, it is cold here under the stars, I'll just put my arm around you to keep you warm. I was just thinking, how pretty you look by moonlight, I mean, how the reflection of the sun's rays by the moon lose brilliance at a rate of Emc2, and look, there is Orion, do you know the story of Artemis and Orion? Very romantic, I mean, in light of Greek mythology and the role of the empowered feminine archetype...." Heck, Sabre-Gator, you have nothing to lose...but fear itself...

How can I tell if a certain relationship is over and a different certain relationship is beginning, but not be fooled so that the beginning one will end the same way the ending one is?

[Lady Quindecim]

Use an axe. Bury the hatchet with the old, stale relationship... somewhere around the jugular. Make sure to make a clean severance.
Then, present this "token" of your devotion to the new special someone. Done properly, there will be no need to worry about the new relationship ending as the old one did.

Q: Mum will likely take me shopping for shoes tomorrow. What is the best kind to get?

[matt9476]

Q: Mum will likely take me shopping for shoes tomorrow. What is the best kind to get?

I would highly recommend red, 5-inch stiletto heels. I hear the dancers just love them. Combine them with an ultra-short schoolgirl skirt, a tight, white blouse and a black bra, and you are ready for some fun.

How shall I deal with my office neighbor who insists on coming to work sick and passing his germs to the rest of us?

[TBean]

How shall I deal with my office neighbor who insists on coming to work sick and passing his germs to the rest of us?

You keep asking these office questions and my answers are still the same - duck tape - it solves all problems.

You will need a few other supplies this time though, lysol and hand sanitizer. First arm yourself with the lysol and invade his cubicle spraying away - this will not only kill germs on surfaces but also blind him for stage two. Then use the duct tape to strap him to his chair as well as covering his nose and mouth so he cannot spread anymore germs. If you feel you have him contained leave him where he is, if not wheel him outside. Use the hand-sanitizer when you are through to be sure you do not contaminate yourself.

I have three more meetings today. How do I get out of them so I can actually get some work done this afternoon?

[SpiralGalaxy]

As you say, duct tape is your answer. Specifically, create a duct tape barricade in front of your office door or cubicle opening. If you're in a cube farm, you'll also need a duct tape roof to repel all meeting-going invaders. You can also tape over the speaker on your phone, or just tape over your ears so you can't hear it ringing. Voila! Plenty of time for work!

Back from my vacation, I now need to catch up on the homework. What is the fastest way to model signal transmission down an old ethernet cable?

[Lady Quindecim]

Well.... you are going to need an axe.
and
Modeling clay
Nautical flags
1973 Dodge Van (does not need to run, or have an engine, or suspension, or chassis.... just the (drum roll) transmission)
A funnel
2 yards of yarn (each for these colours: Green, white-green, orange, white-orange, blue, white-blue, brown, white-brown)
PCI Bus token
Ringer from an analogue telephone
Atari 2600 joysticks and paddles.

The rest should be self explanatory.
(That was self _explanatory_, not self _exploratory_... do that on your own time)

It looks like I will be out of the house all day again today. I found a wifi hot spot yesterday afternoon, but there are no guarantees. What is the best way to get out of leaving the house today?

[RkfdFencer]

Sounds like you are leaving home just to take advantage of the WiFi. To stay indoors, have a T-3 line installed direct to your home. That should take care of all your internet needs.

I still have a lot of candy left over from Halloween, and it's all stuff I really enjoy eating. How do I maximize my sugary enjoyment without adding a lot of target area to myself?

[erik_blank]

Invest in hydraulic girdles. Place all the candy that you enjoy into daid girdle before putting it on and then apply hydraulic pressure until all of the sugery goodness has been forced into you thorugh Osmosis. If you cannot find Osmosis perhaps you can attempt Ozbornmosis instead by playing Ozzy at 160 dBA for 3-5 hours.

It is nice outside today, but the sun will set soon. How can I get the kids outside without letting them shirk their homework assignments?

[ThatReallyHurt]

Move all of their bedroom furniture outside and tell them that's where they'll be sleeping and doing their homework. Better keep some blankets on hand in case it gets cold.

I spilled chainsaw oil all over the garage floor, what's the best way to clean it up?

[Meteoric Iron]

I spilled chainsaw oil all over the garage floor, what's the best way to clean it up?

Lick it.


I can't seem to follow a normal person's train of thought without derailing into my memories and dreams of fencing. Then, when I speak, it is a total non sequitur to the conversation, and nobody wants to listen ANY MORE TO YOUR ONE TRACK MIND. Tell me, what hope is there for returning to normalcy?

[Lady Quindecim]

First, one must consider what is "normal."
Second, what is so worthwhile of anything non-fencing related that is merits attention from anyone.
Third, use an axe.

I seem to find that anyone not eager to discuss fencing with me comes to an abrupt and with a sharpened axe. How do I maintain a pristine edge on my conversation tools?

[larkascending]

Ummm... Let's talk about fencing instead of conversational skills! I think that sounds a little safer for me.

The Nike Ballestras are available in a size 9! I wear Asics in size 9.5. The Nike Ballestras are men's sizes, though, so about a 10 women's, and are rumored to run almost half a size large. How can I get my narrow 9.5 feet to fit in a wide 10.5 shoe?