The Thread of Atrocious Advice

[Black Jeebus]

By switching to épée and joining the dark forces...you'll love it!

Just wanted to point out, ZZ handed that little tidbit of advice out in the atrocious advice thread. And I wanted to say, ZZ, I agree completely, that is atrocious advice!

EDIT: Resume game with preceeding post!

[Sciurus-Rex]

How would one get Inq to listen to him/her?

There are some problems that continue to vex even the most experienced advice-givers, and this is one of the biggies. (The other top nine, I'm sure, will show up in this thread sooner or later.)

Have you considered costuming? Ofttimes a slight change in clothing can give Mr. Tata pause and allow you the opportunity to sneak some random comment past his otherwise-hyperactive listening filter. I suggest something reminiscent of ancient Egypt or an Amish farming community -- reminding him of two of his favorite past-life experiences. It also helps to whisper the name, "Becky."

Alternately, a shovel upside the head can slow him down long enough to, as they say, "fit a word in edgewise." However, if you're not careful with amount of force behind your swing and the angle with which it is delivered, you may literally be able to fit a few words in edgewise in the open wound in Mr. Tata's head. So be careful; we don't want to kill the guy ... until the sixth or seventh page of advice.

* * *

How do I get this wine stain out of my favorite underwear?

[campb1pr]

I would suggest heavy bleaching, followed by some hydrochloric acid, all while wearing the underwear. Otherwise, the material bunches up and you can't get at all the wine stain.


How do you avoid a land war in Asia?

[gtmac]

Just use nukes!

I need to ask for a raise. How would you recommend I go about that?

[IHateMrPotatohead]

(Since I know your boss is female) Take her out to a bar and get her shnockered. Make sure she gets topless and dances on the bar. Take pictures. Blackmail her for the raise.

How do I get better sleep at night?

[gtmac]

Get rid of all your worldly posessions reducing your life to the bare essentials. Meditate on the meaning of existence and find true inner happiness and relaxation. Once that's accomplished, take several dozen Ambien.

How can I learn to speak Protuguese?

[parrythis]

Go to Portugul and just speak English but end every other word with "o".

My car is making a funny noise when I drive down the street. What should I do?

[Inquartata]

There's dirty fluid in your transmission. You need to drain it all out, then drive a few miles to make sure the dregs are all burned out before you add fresh fluid.

How do I get across the Gorge of Eternal Peril?

[sabreur]

How do I get across the Gorge of Eternal Peril?

Use a bathtowel as a cape and pretend to be Superman.

How do you teach a cat to swim?

[gtmac]

A cat's sharp claws improve it's bouyancy. First help your cat hone it's claws and then holding it directly in front of your face by it's midsection slowly lower yourself into the water speaking soothingly to relax the cat.

How do you fix a broken piano?

[campb1pr]

A heavy application of duct tape and super glue to all moving parts should make it all better.

How do I get the spaghetti sauce stains off of my ceiling?

[IHateMrPotatohead]

Make a solution of bleach and hot water. Then you put the solution into a pressure washer and spray the ceiling where the stains are. Make sure not to wear protective goggles, because the solution is known to improve your vision as well.


What's the best way to wake up in the morning?

[campb1pr]

My mother used to wire a stick of dynamite to my alarm clock, so that when it went off, it WENT OFF! I found that to be very refreshing and a great way to get up in the morning, without going all to pieces.

How do I stop procrastinating and get back to work?

[gtmac]

A lot of various opinions may help you with this problem. Solicit at least 50 opinions from f.netters by repeatedly posting the request. Make sure to wait until you have all 50 before compiling the results and then spend a few days analyzing them. This should provide you the information you need.

How can I find a cheap place to live in Northern NJ?

[Sciurus-Rex]

How can I find a cheap place to live in Northern NJ?

It's a small investment initially, but really pays off in the long run: Hire an arsonist (listed in most phone books) to reduce the property values surrounding your target residence. Consistency is important, however, so be sure to watch for redevelopment efforts and follow up with more fire and/or a well-placed assassin's bullet as needed. You'll be able to pick up cheap housing in no time!

What's the best way to stop two dogs from fighting?

[Zasha]

move out west and name your homestead 'northern nj'.

how should i ask my boss for time off?

[Fencergrl]

Best way to stop two dogs from fighting... put raw steaks in your pockets and get between them.

How should you ask for time off.... show up the work naked. Once you have his undivided attention tell him that you've been very stressed lately.

What is the best method for taking a bend out of your blade?

[Sciurus-Rex]

What is the best method for taking a bend out of your blade?

Ah! The "bended blade" issue!

First of all, you've got to realize that all blades are beautiful and loved in Gawd's eyes. He (or She) doesn't condemn blades for being "bent" or "straight" based on our limited human understanding. They're all welcome in His (or Her) kingdom of fencing heaven.

Attempts to unbend blades usually end badly anyway, with the blade pretending to be unbent for a while but ultimately going back to its true nature when you least expect it.

Don't try. Accept.

* * *

How can I convince my wife that it would be a good idea to paint our bedroom black?

[campb1pr]

Go ahead and paint it - she'll love it.

What is the best way to keep the sun out of my eyes while driving east to work in the morning, and west home at night?

[IHateMrPotatohead]

Most definitely you should put your car in reverse and hit the gas. No need to watch where you're going, the car has done this trip a thousand times. It knows the way......right?


What's the best way to sneak a nap while at work?