The Thread of Atrocious Advice

[erik_blank]

Enter into a secret affair with the provost and president of the university. This should eventualy allow you to re-apply (and probably allow you to graduate with honors) to your university in what ever degree you choose.

I am tired of being bombarded by advertizements espousing the wonders of'all natural herbal products' that don't have side effects. (each time I hear these people spouting off I woder ust how much 'natral' hemlock, arsinic and belladonna they have added to their pills and powders...) How can I convince people to raise a mob against these hucksters?

[Lady Quindecim]

Court, then begin an affair with a your local mafia... all of them. Become their "special" kitten. Then withhold your "special" favours until they do your bidding.
I was trying out a new fencing drill, but I cannot find a jacket that will hold up to it. I keep loosing opponents. Suggestions?

[magic_moose]

Stop using a fencing DRILL and start using an epee instead.. No, wait.. bad advice....
Embed your fencing "tool" in a block of cement. This will both strengthen your hand and will prevent you from hurting your opponent.

I pulled a quad a bit last night. It is really sore today. How do I make it feel better?

[matt9476]

Originally Posted by magic_moose

I pulled a quad a bit last night. It is really sore today. How do I make it feel better?

Cut off your hand with a hacksaw. That should make you forget about your leg.

I need an intern to do my paperwork, but I don't have the authority to hire one. Suggestions?

[Lady Quindecim]

Don't tell the intern you do not have the authority. Just tell them their paycheck is hung up in HR and accuse them of having 'gray areas' in their background checks that are causing the delays when they ask. Then, when your paperwork is done, tell them the drug screening failed and they are in violation of the work agreement and thus forfeit their right to any wages.
.
I have a fresh new cut on my tummy that won't stop bleeding long enough to stay closed. Should I use staples or duct tape?

[matt9476]

Originally Posted by Lady Quindecim

I have a fresh new cut on my tummy that won't stop bleeding long enough to stay closed. Should I use staples or duct tape?

Definitely go with the duct tape. But be liberal with the application. Anything less than four rolls worth won't do the trick.

I need a high-paying job that requires little to no work. Ideas?

[erik_blank]

I will once again recommend the lucrative and high paying field of extortion. This home based business has been growing for centuries, and has recently been aded into the top 100 of the Multi-Level marketing businesses! If you live in or near a high population center, have little to no moral qualms about enrigching yourself at others expense and have a propensity for rooting out verifiable embarrasing rumors then this business may be just right for you!Contact me for important information about joining this newly revitalized home based business!The long weeked is comming up for Clumbus day in the US. what should I do with this extra day in my weekend?

[Windsetter]

As your location says PA, drive down to New York City and try verbal jests with all the young, angry looking kids you can find. The suggested places to look are Hell's Kitchen and the Bronx.

My wife will be having our third baby later this month, what can I do to calm her?

[erik_blank]

Congratulations on #3! To help calm the wife, I would suggest renting a number of movies:

• The 'Aliens' series
• Rosmary's Baby
• Children of the Corn
• Them
• Evil Spawn
• The Thing
• Village of the Damned
• any DVD from the series "A Baby Story"

I recently got a new computer for use at work and now my system at home seems incredibly outdated and slow. How can I make my home system perform as good as the one I use at work without haveing to spend any $$$?

[Windsetter]

Signal the aliens to come visit you again, and then steal it from their ship when they are not looking. They may even throw in a complete probing for your troubles.

It is supposed to snow this weekend. How do I go about getting an all-expenses paid trip to the Carribean until spring?

[ESLyon]

I would follow erik_blank's advice on this case and get involed in teh extortion business. Erik obviously has experience in this field and contacting him would probably be your best bet.

I wish to overthrow the current system of bueraucracy with a word that's easier to spell and a system that is more simple. Suggestions?

[Lady Quindecim]

First, take a scrabble set, and a current political/news publication. Rewrite the articles using random letter replacements from randomly selected tiles. Mail each one to your congressman.
From another publication of politic intent, remove alternating 3rd, 4th, and 7th nouns, verbs, adjectives and adverbs from the articles and then replace the madlib style by fishing for words from this forum. Mail each to your representative.
Write your state board of education insisting that ubonics be a compulsory subject from K-12.
Join your local school board and claim that the State Board was responsible for sending the articles to the congressman and representative.
Start drinking.
Go to rehab to quit drinking to get the backing of AA so you can get appointed the new chairman of the State Board of Education.
Replace all occurrences of the word bureaucracy in school and state texts with bueraucracy.
While at it, replace school with skule.
Wait until the graduating class of 2024 comes to social power and use the scrabble cypher method to write the congressman. The reply will be: .fer shizzel-be, in accordance with the prophecy. and you will know success.

My brain itches. How can I find relief?

[ESLyon]

I find q-tips work quite well on brain itches.

How many days/weeks/months/minutes should I wait after breaking up with a girlfriend before I go looking for another?

[Lady Quindecim]

You are thinking too big. Start small... minutes... maybe hours. Who is that on your left?

I am trying to thinking of something I need advice on, and while there are plenty of things I need help with, only some are suitable for this forum. How should I pick one?

[Empty Wallet]

There are several options here. One could be to write each of the different questions on pieces of paper which you then arrange in a circle. In the middle of the circle place an empty Bud bottle of spin. Write the one that the circle points to in the reply section.

Choice of questions relate to important issues, such as where you come from. So, you would seek advice on the best caliber of rifle for moose shooting, what shade of lipstick best suits which breed of pig, or can Joe have a two pack if the other 4 were used to seduce someone's daughter.

It is hot in some places, and cold in others. I grew up in a place where it was neither. How should I choose on where to vacation?

[Lady Quindecim]

Take the path less traveled: Gibson Desert South in good ol' WA, AU

I have a full bottle of Guinness and I need an empty Bud bottle for a particular process that I would hope to complete without much delay. What to I do?

[Black Jeebus]

First you hop on the unicorn. Second you burst forth from your empanada with your crown of rice. Once you've tamed the mighty pancake your unicorn will form with my floss into the ultimate form of DIXIE CUP!

I have to think of a way to liven up chemistry lab?

[Epee_Pox]

Have the class split into groups and perform experiments to detect and identify (using qualitative analysis) pheromone levels before, during and after various sexual acts, to determine whether pheromones affect human behavior.


My nose itches! What do I do?

[remistress]

Originally Posted by Epee_Pox

My nose itches! What do I do?

Obviously remove it, perhaps with a miniture nose guillotine or perhaps an axe.

I go to celebrate my boyfriend's birthday this weekend, what should we do, and more importantly what should I make him?

[Lady Quindecim]

Make him a doll, soft and squishy, with a frilly satin dress and a hat with lace trim. One that will make you romantically superfluous.
My shoe is tied and won't come off, keeping me from taking my pants off, which I will need to do later today when I change clothes. What should I do?