The Thread of Atrocious Advice

[erik_blank]

Create posters explaining how your serving of roast babies is a tasty tennant of your religion. Poste them near planned parenthood offices for best effect.

My kids used to really like my homemade pancakes and waffles that I would make for them every weekend with lots of good things in them like bannanas, fresh blueberries and oatmeal, but for the last four weeks they keep insisting on having Wallmart brand frozen waffles. How can I convince them that they want mine again?

[Parry and Sunder]

Purchase another bottle of Maple Syrup, preferably identical to the brand that you use already, open it, then stir in some powdered diarrhetic. Bring the 'special' bottle out everytime they eat frozen waffles, and bring out the normal syrup when they ask start asking for your homemade waffles again.


How can I make sure that I complete the goals I set for myself this summer?

[Neinteen]

Have them tattooed onto yourself, you'll never forget! And when you do accomplish them, you now have a life-time trophy to remind you of how good you are at accomplishing things!

How do I learn to sleep?

[Parry and Sunder]

Do what I did to obtain Sleep Enlightenment in college: force yourself to stay awake for two days straight - three if you're feeling ambitious - then you'll fall asleep straight away! Afterwards, your body's sleep schedule will be so screwed up, you'll learn to fall asleep anywhere, anytime!

How should I go about gathering advice for my fencing comic on this forum?

[remistress]

Start a thread entitled "For real-life fencers only." Only take advice from people who either claim to LARP or are members of a local SCA chapter. They have a more accurate view on what constitutes what we term *fencing* (and which is more properly termed "sword fighting") *Bonus for advice involving lightsabers.

How do I get a car for cheap?

[Black Jeebus]

I've just been practicing this. First tap "A" repeatedly when you see one you want. If the vehicle is stopped at a traffic light or for any other reason, it's useful to pull your weapon out and gesture at the driver, he/she will then usually get out and run off. If they don't run you have two options, get in the car (press "Y") and book it (press "R") or shoot the driver (hold "L" to target them, and then shoot them (press "R") until they fall down. If for some reason the vehicle is not stopped you may have to actually "jack" it. This is accomplished by pressing "Y" while standing next to the driver's side door. At this juncture you might have drive off as fast as possible or even possibly slamming it into reverse, and then driving forward over the previous owner if they try to get back into the car using method 2.

What's the best approach for getting a promotion?

[JackOfHearts]

Katanas at sunset. Hand one to the person currently holding the position you desire, and go up to the roof for the duel. Start by saying,"THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!" And have at it. Winner gets the position, the loser gets a little off the top.



What's the best way to mend a broken harp?

[erik_blank]

Since you did not specify if this is simply a matter of needing new strings, or if the harp has a flaw in the structure I will answer in two parts:
1. For missing/broken strings, I recommend the use of braided back hair. If yours has not started to grow in in sufficient amounts to produce a decent set of strings, attempt to enlist the aid of a person of suitably Mediterranean decent in obtaining enough for your purpose.
2. If it is actually the structure of the harp that needs to be repaired, then I would suggest the use of 'Tom Ridge' (previously known as 'Duct') tape and splints made from the thigh bones of small neighborhood mammals.

There is a strong thunderstorm outside. How can I best avoid being struck by lightening?

[remistress]

I see you are a foilist. How is your footwork? The correct answer is: deplorable. Now would be a great time to practice your footwork...on top of a metal-roofed bulding. You'll know you're lunge is fast enough when you can avoid that lightning. See, I answered your question *and* one you didn't even ask advice about. **Also, better don that lame' and make sure you're holding your weapon for a truly authentic footwork experience.

How do I manage to both buy a car and pay off my college loans to my parents?

[erik_blank]

Have you thought of the lucrative and highly profitable carreer of a semi-professional extortionist? This is a fun, exciting and often highly lucrative carrer path that has great growth potential! Look into franchise opportunities in your area, often found in areas that are frequented by local dignitaries and politicians. If this doesn't interest you, may I suggest another franchise opportuinity in the Dread Pirate Roberts group. This Franchise is well established and is always looking for new recruits.

I recently purchased a DPR franchise option, but cannot seem to get men to 'staff' my 'office' nor can I seem to figure out how to get the sails down. How can I sail the high seas from a landlocked US state without moving?

[sabreur]

Increase your carbon footprint dramatically and encourage everyone you know to do the same. Support the coal industry's lobbying effort. If you can't get to the high seas, the high seas will eventually come to you. Also, for HR, google "shanghai" as a verb and "press gang" as a noun.

How do I convince my boss that bringing my two Border Collies to work would increase office productivity?

[erik_blank]

Train your dogs to growl anytime they see someone attempt to stand up when sitting in a cubicle. Next, feed your dogs large handfulls of chocolate covered espresso beans, then bring them into work. Show your boss how they can be then used to keep your co-workers cloistered in their cubicles as they patrol the office.

I was really wanting to get some house and yard work done this weekend, but the weather reports is suggesting heavy rains... How can I force nature to do my bidding?

[Parry and Sunder]

Stand on your roof with a lightning rod, get bitten by a radioactive spider, attempt to summon an unmentionable dark god... I'm sure you know enough comic book lore to figure out that "accidents" which result in great power rarely happen on their own, so you need to take matters in your own hands! If the mutant/magic power that you receive has nothing to do with weather control, try, try again.


I want to convince my friend that there is absolutely nothing wrong with a little "premarital hanky-panky," despite what her parents tell her. How should I go about convincing her as such?

[erik_blank]

Originally Posted by Parry and Sunder

I want to convince my friend that there is absolutely nothing wrong with a little "premarital hanky-panky," despite what her parents tell her. How should I go about convincing her as such?

I would recommend getting ahold of some of the old '70s sex ed courses that deal with STD's. Invite her over for a movie night, pop the popcorn and have a really good time watching them.. If this kind of show doesn't get her in the mood, nothing will!

How can I find a better way to introduce fencing to college aged people with limited interest?

[magic_moose]

Construct a high voltage circuit that can only be interrupted by a relay which is tripped when a small switch is pressed with 750 grams of pressure. Hook them up and hand them epees. There will be a great deal more interest.

My candidate is no longer in the US presidential race. What is the best way to decide who of the remaining party animals to vote for?

[erik_blank]

Place both animals in an enclosed cage with a bengal tiger that hasn't been fed for the past week. Supply the group with drinks, chips and LOTS of tequila. Wait 2 days and then check on the results. Vote for the party animal that is still able to dodge giving a direct answer to any question from the press corps and still has most of it's limbs in place.

My bengal Tiger refuses to eat even after being given access to nice tasty game. Which local candidate should I try providing it this time?

[Epee_Pox]

Big cats are notoriously finicky. You can't go wrong, however, with your local District Attorney, or with your county's land assessor. The secret is to mash them into the cat's bowl, then fluff up their meat with a pitchfork. This releases appetizing aromas, while at the same time making the flesh easier to bite.


I need to make a shtload of money, fast. Whom should I kill, to maximize my cashflow?

[remistress]

Originally Posted by Epee_Pox

I need to make a shtload of money, fast. Whom should I kill, to maximize my cashflow?

Yourself. There is good money in selling organs.

I'm going to be at faire all weekend helping with the fencing booth. How do I ensure that I have enough energy for trampoline dodgeball afterwards?

[matt9476]

Originally Posted by remistress

I'm going to be at faire all weekend helping with the fencing booth. How do I ensure that I have enough energy for trampoline dodgeball afterwards?

Equal parts Red Bull and cocaine should keep up the energy level.

I've been stuck inside for the past week and a half. What should I do this weekend to break the monotony?

[erik_blank]

Have a friend strap yourself to a traffic light post taking care to make sure that you head is aimed so that all you can see is the opposing traffic light. This would be better if the opposing light is set to blink yellow or