The Thread of Atrocious Advice

[remistress]

I need a great toast for our NYE party but I'm drawing a blank. Any ideas?

How about Tyco Brahe and geocentricity?

How do I accept reality?

[lefty_monster]

Make up your own reality. Made-up realities are so much easier to accept than real-reality.

How do I get rid of all the Xmas candy that everyone gave me even though they know I don't eat the stuff?

[akaiyuki]

Save all those candy canes and hand them out during halloween next year.

What's the best way to stay awake for a 7 hour drive?

[lefty_monster]

Coffee on IV should work nicely.

How do I jury-rig a fencing machine to deliver electric shocks to the person who gets hit? Also, once I have done so, how do I sneak them into the next local tournament?

[Meteoric Iron]

How about Tyco Brahe and geocentricity?

How do I accept reality?

Aren't you the chickie who wanted to stop being a dumb girrl? DID YOU SEE THOSE MOVIES I SUGGESTED? Hmmm...sounds like you've been hypnotized. In that case, you need to break a spell...admit you made a mistake. Everybody does. Tell the truth about how dumb you were. That automatically makes you more powerful. Then you will thank your lucky, lucky stars that you can see through the illusion everyone calls "reality", and then Lefty Monster answers from there.

And Lefty:
Xmas candy can be saved for Valentine's Day if you melt it all down and put it in a heart mold fashioned from old sabre blades. Pierce it through with a dagger, and -voila!- cupid for a lucky someone at your club.

How can I make my coach teach me his secret moves?

[remistress]

How do I jury-rig a fencing machine to deliver electric shocks to the person who gets hit? Also, once I have done so, how do I sneak them into the next local tournament?

Actually you don't need to jerry rig the machine you just have to have very good persuasive powers with competitors. Hand out "Wireless fencing" battery packs....claim this is due to obscure rulings from the FIE in the Madrid meeting.

How can I make my coach teach me his secret moves?

Well, fencing drinking games work really well for this...oh wait, you wanted bad advice right?

Challenge coach by saying, "Bet I can kick you a** in a bout" and then hire a begginer to take down secret moves, name them, and then teach you the nuances of each.

How do I figure out if I'm supposed to work tomorrow without waking up early?

[erik_blank]

How do I figure out if I'm supposed to work tomorrow without waking up early?

Sleep in late. If they really wanted you a work, they will call and inquire about your current wherabouts. When they call make sure that you answer while chugging last nights beer.

What is the best way to train my 7, 4, and 4 year old daughters to clean the dishes so I will have more time to read F-Net posts?

[remistress]

What is the best way to train my 7, 4, and 4 year old daughters to clean the dishes so I will have more time to read F-Net posts?

Have them watch The Sword in the Stone several times through and then try to replicate the dish washing scene.

How do I act like an efficiency expert when I'm not one?

[erik_blank]

Carry an electronic organizer inside of a Franklin planner. Wear 3-5 different watches and time pieces in promenent locations and constantly referr to them. Finally make copious notes anytime someone talks to you in the franklin planner, explaining that you need to keep track of what others say since anything could later be needed in court.

Where can I get a new set of kitchen cabninets for less than $100.00 to fill a 16'X11' room?

[Timo]

your neighbors house


how do I convince my parents that I'm only negative when around them when their stupid (which is all the time)?

[lefty_monster]

Where can I get a new set of kitchen cabninets for less than $100.00 to fill a 16'X11' room?

Your neighbors house, duh. Just invite yourself to all of your different neighbors' houses and pick the cabinets you want. Hire a cat burgler for $99 to get the cabinets.

How do I improve my French vocabulary?

[lefty_monster]

how do I convince my parents that I'm only negative when around them when their stupid (which is all the time)?

Tell them so, with the f-word inserted between every word.

Refer to previous question.

[Timo]

go to IHOP and ask for the chef that makes the french toast


how do I get a girl?

[remistress]

http://www.globaladies.com/indexppc....le&mtype=exact

How do I get our stupid LAN to recognize my computer?

[Windsetter]

Don't worry about it. I have an old 4400 baud modem I will send you for connecting to the internet. You will be able to post to f.net with efficiency.

I had to send in my laptop for repair. How do we make sure that Gateway does a good job?

[lefty_monster]

had to send in my laptop for repair. How do we make sure that Gateway does a good job?

Send an armed midget hitman in the box with the computer.

Where does one go to hire midget hitmen?

[Jengar]

Where does one go to hire midget hitmen?

Go to Kansas. Wait for a tornado. Get in the middle. Travel to Oz. Look for and find midget hitman at castle of Wicked Witch. Hire midget hitman. (He likes midget strippers.) Steal Dorothy's emerald slippers. Return to Kansas with midget hitman. Use as needed. Alternatively, go to strip club with midget strippers. Midget hitmen often hang out there.

We have a midget fencer who wants to fence epee. What advice should I give him?

[erik_blank]

Inform him that since he is at a height advantage to all other fencers except other midget épée fencers, he is allowed to use orthopedics when fencing. Specifically the use of stilts and automated parrying devices (Available from www.werenotcheatersnoreally.orgcom ) Then inform him that the best épée fencers are actually midgets employing these devices.

Alternatively, you can inform him that while he cannot be a decent epee FENCER, he can be used by Olaf the Mighty as an orthopedic WEAPON

I have a problem coming up with appropriate questions for this thread. How can I have a more problematic life that would more closely apply to this forum?

[lefty_monster]

Watch Dr. Phil and realize that you do have problems and they all stem from your childhood and the fact that you were not hugged enough (or hugged too much). You have problems, you just don't realize it.

How should Erik deal with his newfound problems?

[Jengar]

Erik should regularly post his problems on Fencing.Net's thread entitled "The Thread of Atrocious Advice" and regularly follow the advice he is given by the most insightful, compassionate and knowledgeable people on the planet.

I need a new bookie who will take bets on how long it takes Erik to go insane but I can't find a good one. How can I find a bookie who will handle my business?